Sure, it has been awhile, but I have been doing some life-learn'n in my absence from the blogging world, and a plan to return to this space has been expanding more and more over the last few months. So I am back, and I have some explaining to do.
When last we left this blog I was wrapping up some of my story, my explanation for who I am today despite a number of personal trials. I was literally just about to start digging into my greatest and most raw feelings. Feelings about being single at the age of 30 and how I was ridiculously mad at God for that unplanned reality in my life. I was overflowing with anger, frustration, confusion and even desperation about this situation that I cannot really control. I was ready to start unpacking those feelings and willing to let my friends see all those unpleasant details.
And then something unexpected happened.
I met someone. A friend at work had heard me complain about my singleness and offered a possible introduction to some single men she knew. Make no mistake, my frustration with being "left behind" when it came to my deepest desire; to find a companion and partner for life, came out in regular discussion. These feelings were so pervasive, they were practically unavoidable to those around me. Which admittedly probably made me sucktastic company at times. In an effort to help me out, my coworker arranged to have me go to a game night with herself, her partner and his many single friends. My expectations were moderate. While I had been told that there would be several single men at game night, everything about my past experience told me not to get my hopes up. But I brought my "A" game. I worked the outfit, the hair, the makeup, whatever external control I could enact. And then, I prayed. Unfortunately, it may have been more of an afterthought than it should have been. But on the drive, to Northern Virginia, all dressed up, I prayed that God would direct my interactions, give me hope, and guidance.
Years ago, when I was moaning about being single, my mother recommended I make a list of what I want in a man; in a life partner, so that when I am out in the world looking for him I would know what I am looking for and how to recognize it. The highlights of the list included finding a "Mighty Man of God" (more on that in a minute),someone tall, educated, and able to "keep up". I had a series of 3 men I dated who simply could not keep up with the language I use, the way I use language, and my never-ending infantry of sarcasm. These three short but educational relationships taught me that no matter what, I had to find a partner who could give and good as he gets, who knows what "indigenous" means and that the Harbor Tunnel does actually go underwater, not over it. The tall thing is easy to understand because I am 5"11 and a little on the curvy side, so I wanted a man who was "bigger" than me. And the need for a "Mighty Man of God" was conceptualized when I was 16 years old, when I deduced that men who are mighty in the Lord are relationship leaders, prayer warriors, and strength bearers.
Great Expectations.
You know what? Sometimes God does not give you what you want. He gives you what you need. And then, remarkably sometimes those are actually the same thing. The man I met at that game night is not what I was looking for. He is shorter and thinner than me, and, brace yourselves; Jewish. The night I met him I was pretty certain he would not be interested in me anyway. But it turns out, he has been exactly what I needed. I'm not in the mood for predicting the outcome of our relationship, but what I am completely certain of is that this person is absolutely, without question, in my life for a reason. I am happy, hopeful, and feel completely safe.
This does not mean I have not had a chat or two with God about why in the world he has laid this path before me, or what he is going for here, but who am I to let my expectations get in the way?
I met with a patient today, who donated a kidney to a stranger. She had planned to donate to someone she knew, but that person passed away unexpectedly before she could receive the kidney. My patient said once she spoke with God about donating her kidney, she felt a peace about the experience and started to feel that her kidney was not really hers anymore. So when the planned recipient passed away, doctors were worried my patient would decide not to donate anymore. My patient donated anyway. She told me that while she had expected one outcome, she was certain that God's plan for her kidney was sovereign, and she never questioned that God knew what he was doing, and that he would use her kidney for His plan.
I expect great things from God - but I have to be willing to adjust those expectations, because sometimes, His plan is beyond our understanding.
Ephesians 1:11-12
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.
So I put my hope in Christ. I revel in what joy he has brought into my life after many years of sadness and desperation. I look to Him to help me with the details, and I keep my expectations GREAT, because my Father always has a plan.
L
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Refining
When I was depressed, I didn't write.
The reason I did not write is because writing about how I was feeling made it worse. Any good therapist out there will make a recommendation to a depressed young woman to start journaling. (This is both useful for the patient and the therapist.) I like writing. I have always liked it. When I was in fourth grade, our teacher gave out some Halloween paper, and asked us to write a one page Halloween story. I went ahead and wrote 10 pages - so many that she told me I could not have any more special Halloween stationary. When I was 13, I wrote the most depressing, emo "book" that one has ever laid eyes on. After about 120 pages worth of writing I realized it was completely awful, and in a fit of teenage angst, decided to throw it out (which I truly do not regret - it was NOT good.) And then, when I renewed my committment to my faith, I started writing every single day, without fail, documenting my life, as well as my journey of faith.
Writing has always been something I loved, but when depression moved into my life, I couldn't stand to document it. As a teenager I never worried about others reading my diary - in fact I kind of enjoyed sharing it with captive sleepover friends. As a college student, I was mostly writing about my faith and my adoration for men who were "just not that into me." I never wrote things that were much of a secret; my writing had never been about secrets. But when depression set in, and then self injury, writing about it was overwhelmingly embarassing, and shameful. And since I could not write honestly anymore, without being overcome with frustration, anger, and guilt, I pretty much stopped. Writing made me feel worse.
Not being able to write forced me to look outside myself for an outlet. And as much as I love God, he was not my favorite person during that time, and I felt completely distant from my faith. I have incredible parents, but the distress I was experiencing exceeded their skill-set, and I was not able to share all my secrets with them. So I started seeing a therapist. In all, I have had four therapists since that first one in my sophomore year of college. Having someone who was prepared to listen to me talk about every awful feeling I was experiencing, and then holding me accountable to working towards change, was my lifeline.
Even now, I can't help but wish my faith had been strong enough to sustain me, but depression blocked the connection I had always felt to my faith. I still believed everything I had been raised with, but in some ways, that made my struggle much harder. I was once one of those people who believed you can pray depression out of someone's life. But when it was happening to me, I realized it just was not gonna be that simple.
I started taking an antidepressant in the summer before my junior year. I was ashamed, and felt silly, as though maybe this depression stuff wasn't really bad enough to warrant such a drastic measure. I kept it a secret for about 3 months, which, for anyone who knows me, is completely amazing since my life is pretty much an open book. Even once I told people, I still struggled with whether or not I really needed medication at all. I kept thinking I was "faking" and making a bigger deal about my mood than it really was.
When I was about 5 years old, I was playing with my friends on the swings in their backyard. The swingset had a slide, and when I went down it, I landed kind of funny. I was not hurt at all, but all my friends were so worried! My friend Matthew even offered me his Smarties so I would feel better. So I just went with it. I pretended I had hurt myself, because the attention felt pretty darn good.
As a young adult, I was truly afraid that I was repeating that scenario. I had already started studying mental health, and I knew enough to know, that there are people who do that - manipulate others, or fake illness to get attention. I was so afraid that I was becoming one of those people. Ironically it was my inability to write that signaled to me that my problems were real. The frustration I felt in not being able to connect to that part of myself highlighted how real my issue was.
I guess my point with all of this, is that if you are someone who is struggling, don't underestimate the impact it can have on your life, and the damage it can do. I was worried about what my parents would think, or what getting help would mean, or how people would see me and it took far too long for me to start the work that needed to be done to get back to a mood equilibrium. I kept a lot of secrets back then, and secrets have a way of tearing at your insides, and distancing you from the love and support of others.
When I started writing this blog, several people reached out to me, and wanted to know if they could have done more to help me. The truth is, I had no idea how to ask or truly receieve help. I was all mixed up, and even with numerous friends and supports in place, I felt alone.
If you are hurting, if you are questioning what the heck God is doing, or why He is taking you through such a desert, ask for help. Ask for help over and over, as though you were drowing and in need of a lifeguard, and when someone reached out their hand to you, grab hold.
Our Savior does not want us to drown, but He will allow us to be tested by fire. God allowed Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego to be thrown into the fire, and then he delivered them from it. (Dan 3:19-28)
1 Peter 1:3-7 (The Message)
What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all—life healed and whole.
I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.
Depression, anxiety, self injury, hopelessness, none of these things are from God, but faith put through suffering comes out proved genuine. That's who I am now, I am someone who has been refined by fire, and my faith is proved genuine! Those trials were terrifying, and painful, but even when I was in the fire, I would try to connect to God. Maybe only for a moment, maybe without knowing if I would be really heard, but I kept praying. I never stopped believing. How blessed I am that this faith I grew up with was tested by fire, and God will have it on display as evidence of HIS victory! And now, I can write again. HIS victory indeed!
L
Rack, Shack & Benny
The reason I did not write is because writing about how I was feeling made it worse. Any good therapist out there will make a recommendation to a depressed young woman to start journaling. (This is both useful for the patient and the therapist.) I like writing. I have always liked it. When I was in fourth grade, our teacher gave out some Halloween paper, and asked us to write a one page Halloween story. I went ahead and wrote 10 pages - so many that she told me I could not have any more special Halloween stationary. When I was 13, I wrote the most depressing, emo "book" that one has ever laid eyes on. After about 120 pages worth of writing I realized it was completely awful, and in a fit of teenage angst, decided to throw it out (which I truly do not regret - it was NOT good.) And then, when I renewed my committment to my faith, I started writing every single day, without fail, documenting my life, as well as my journey of faith.
Writing has always been something I loved, but when depression moved into my life, I couldn't stand to document it. As a teenager I never worried about others reading my diary - in fact I kind of enjoyed sharing it with captive sleepover friends. As a college student, I was mostly writing about my faith and my adoration for men who were "just not that into me." I never wrote things that were much of a secret; my writing had never been about secrets. But when depression set in, and then self injury, writing about it was overwhelmingly embarassing, and shameful. And since I could not write honestly anymore, without being overcome with frustration, anger, and guilt, I pretty much stopped. Writing made me feel worse.
Not being able to write forced me to look outside myself for an outlet. And as much as I love God, he was not my favorite person during that time, and I felt completely distant from my faith. I have incredible parents, but the distress I was experiencing exceeded their skill-set, and I was not able to share all my secrets with them. So I started seeing a therapist. In all, I have had four therapists since that first one in my sophomore year of college. Having someone who was prepared to listen to me talk about every awful feeling I was experiencing, and then holding me accountable to working towards change, was my lifeline.
Even now, I can't help but wish my faith had been strong enough to sustain me, but depression blocked the connection I had always felt to my faith. I still believed everything I had been raised with, but in some ways, that made my struggle much harder. I was once one of those people who believed you can pray depression out of someone's life. But when it was happening to me, I realized it just was not gonna be that simple.
I started taking an antidepressant in the summer before my junior year. I was ashamed, and felt silly, as though maybe this depression stuff wasn't really bad enough to warrant such a drastic measure. I kept it a secret for about 3 months, which, for anyone who knows me, is completely amazing since my life is pretty much an open book. Even once I told people, I still struggled with whether or not I really needed medication at all. I kept thinking I was "faking" and making a bigger deal about my mood than it really was.
When I was about 5 years old, I was playing with my friends on the swings in their backyard. The swingset had a slide, and when I went down it, I landed kind of funny. I was not hurt at all, but all my friends were so worried! My friend Matthew even offered me his Smarties so I would feel better. So I just went with it. I pretended I had hurt myself, because the attention felt pretty darn good.
As a young adult, I was truly afraid that I was repeating that scenario. I had already started studying mental health, and I knew enough to know, that there are people who do that - manipulate others, or fake illness to get attention. I was so afraid that I was becoming one of those people. Ironically it was my inability to write that signaled to me that my problems were real. The frustration I felt in not being able to connect to that part of myself highlighted how real my issue was.
I guess my point with all of this, is that if you are someone who is struggling, don't underestimate the impact it can have on your life, and the damage it can do. I was worried about what my parents would think, or what getting help would mean, or how people would see me and it took far too long for me to start the work that needed to be done to get back to a mood equilibrium. I kept a lot of secrets back then, and secrets have a way of tearing at your insides, and distancing you from the love and support of others.
When I started writing this blog, several people reached out to me, and wanted to know if they could have done more to help me. The truth is, I had no idea how to ask or truly receieve help. I was all mixed up, and even with numerous friends and supports in place, I felt alone.
If you are hurting, if you are questioning what the heck God is doing, or why He is taking you through such a desert, ask for help. Ask for help over and over, as though you were drowing and in need of a lifeguard, and when someone reached out their hand to you, grab hold.
Our Savior does not want us to drown, but He will allow us to be tested by fire. God allowed Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego to be thrown into the fire, and then he delivered them from it. (Dan 3:19-28)
1 Peter 1:3-7 (The Message)
What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all—life healed and whole.
I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.
Depression, anxiety, self injury, hopelessness, none of these things are from God, but faith put through suffering comes out proved genuine. That's who I am now, I am someone who has been refined by fire, and my faith is proved genuine! Those trials were terrifying, and painful, but even when I was in the fire, I would try to connect to God. Maybe only for a moment, maybe without knowing if I would be really heard, but I kept praying. I never stopped believing. How blessed I am that this faith I grew up with was tested by fire, and God will have it on display as evidence of HIS victory! And now, I can write again. HIS victory indeed!
L
Rack, Shack & Benny
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Valentine
I have only had one Valentine's Day in my life which included a boyfriend, which is kinda sad, but that does not make it any less true. That Valentine's with a boyfriend pretty much rocked. I am a big fan of having a boyfriend for Valentine's Day. While my boyfriend would later reveal himself to be a man of poor character, that year I could not have been more delighted to be in a relationship. There were roses, teddy bears, cards and letters. It was completely marvelous.
As far as Valentine's Day goes, I have always been at pretty much at peace with the holiday. While there have been far too many of them spent as a single girl, my friends and family have always kept the day pretty sweet. My mom always sends a card and a couple dollars, or a little gift, my grandparents like to send a little money too (being one of only 2 grandchildren has its perks!), and then at work I bring in some candy, wear pink, and try not to think about how I'll be spending the evening alone. I don't bother being depressed, because it is just ONE day, and the all the love will be over by tomorrow, so I can muddle through.
1 Corinthians 7:17, The Message.
And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.
And with a promise like that one, how could I be sad? And despite my penchant for unreasonable sadness, I tend to be an optomist when it comes to this day. I always think ahead to the future and hope that "next year I will have a Valentine." And quite frankly I would rather have a quality Valentine over a boyfriend that will later cheat on me...
I only remember one other Valentine's Day in my life. I was in fourth grade and completely in love with a boy whom I will call Tyler Griffin (for complete and total privacy purposes). Tyler had started at our school at the tail end of third grade, and I prided myself on not falling in love with him right away, since on his first day, he demonstrated questionable judgement by jumping in mud puddles on the baseball field at recess. I mean what girl wants a muddy boyfriend? No, it took time for my love of Tyler to grow. By the time Valentine's Day rolled around, I was ready to passive aggressively share my feelings by sending him a "Secret Admirer" Valentine. Now those were the days when we all exchanged Valentines with every kid in the class, even the ones who were smelly or ate paste. So I gave a Valentine to every kid in the class, just like everyone else, but for Tyler, I gave the prettiest, most feelings-revealing card. But when you are in fourth grade, you don't always think things through. When Tyler received his secret admirer card, he promptly went through his stack of Valentines and used process of elimination (along with a group of eager, laughing, secret-busting peers) to reveal that the only person who had not given him a Valentine was me, and thus, the secret admirer card was clearly from me. When Tyler and his cohorts asked me if the admirer was me, I of course denied knowing anything about such ridiculousness. They were not fooled by my stellar acting skills, and thus, the secret was out, followed by too many giggles at my expense. It was a very disappointing Valentine's Day.
I figure Valentine's Day is pretty simple as an adult, and I'm pretty thankful I do not have to experience such stressful and embarassing situations anymore. For the record, the following year I was still in love with Tyler, and was clever enough to remember to give him a "regular" Valentine in addition to the secret admirer one -- nailed it.
Ultimately even the people who are a part of a couple on this day get that this one day is not that big a deal. That helps make it a little easier too. Mostly I just want to be clear that I am not nearly as bitter about this particular holiday as most single people are... In fact this day is an anniversary for me. I became a Christian on this day, in 1986 and then 10 years and one day later, I was water baptized. So today I will remember to celebrate what an incredible gift I have been given - one that will outlast any roses or teddy bears, the gift of eternity in Heaven with the lover of my soul.
1 John 4:13-16 The Message
This is how we know we're living steadily and deeply in him, and he in us: He's given us life from his life, from his very own Spirit. Also, we've seen for ourselves and continue to state openly that the Father sent his Son as Savior of the world. Everyone who confesses that Jesus is God's Son participates continuously in an intimate relationship with God. We know it so well, we've embraced it heart and soul, this love that comes from God.
My God is Love. I will continue to hope, seek and pray for God's will to be done in revealing my Earthly Valentine to me. And while I wait, I will hold on to his promise, his salvation, and his incredible Love.
L
As far as Valentine's Day goes, I have always been at pretty much at peace with the holiday. While there have been far too many of them spent as a single girl, my friends and family have always kept the day pretty sweet. My mom always sends a card and a couple dollars, or a little gift, my grandparents like to send a little money too (being one of only 2 grandchildren has its perks!), and then at work I bring in some candy, wear pink, and try not to think about how I'll be spending the evening alone. I don't bother being depressed, because it is just ONE day, and the all the love will be over by tomorrow, so I can muddle through.
1 Corinthians 7:17, The Message.
And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.
And with a promise like that one, how could I be sad? And despite my penchant for unreasonable sadness, I tend to be an optomist when it comes to this day. I always think ahead to the future and hope that "next year I will have a Valentine." And quite frankly I would rather have a quality Valentine over a boyfriend that will later cheat on me...
I only remember one other Valentine's Day in my life. I was in fourth grade and completely in love with a boy whom I will call Tyler Griffin (for complete and total privacy purposes). Tyler had started at our school at the tail end of third grade, and I prided myself on not falling in love with him right away, since on his first day, he demonstrated questionable judgement by jumping in mud puddles on the baseball field at recess. I mean what girl wants a muddy boyfriend? No, it took time for my love of Tyler to grow. By the time Valentine's Day rolled around, I was ready to passive aggressively share my feelings by sending him a "Secret Admirer" Valentine. Now those were the days when we all exchanged Valentines with every kid in the class, even the ones who were smelly or ate paste. So I gave a Valentine to every kid in the class, just like everyone else, but for Tyler, I gave the prettiest, most feelings-revealing card. But when you are in fourth grade, you don't always think things through. When Tyler received his secret admirer card, he promptly went through his stack of Valentines and used process of elimination (along with a group of eager, laughing, secret-busting peers) to reveal that the only person who had not given him a Valentine was me, and thus, the secret admirer card was clearly from me. When Tyler and his cohorts asked me if the admirer was me, I of course denied knowing anything about such ridiculousness. They were not fooled by my stellar acting skills, and thus, the secret was out, followed by too many giggles at my expense. It was a very disappointing Valentine's Day.
I figure Valentine's Day is pretty simple as an adult, and I'm pretty thankful I do not have to experience such stressful and embarassing situations anymore. For the record, the following year I was still in love with Tyler, and was clever enough to remember to give him a "regular" Valentine in addition to the secret admirer one -- nailed it.
Ultimately even the people who are a part of a couple on this day get that this one day is not that big a deal. That helps make it a little easier too. Mostly I just want to be clear that I am not nearly as bitter about this particular holiday as most single people are... In fact this day is an anniversary for me. I became a Christian on this day, in 1986 and then 10 years and one day later, I was water baptized. So today I will remember to celebrate what an incredible gift I have been given - one that will outlast any roses or teddy bears, the gift of eternity in Heaven with the lover of my soul.
1 John 4:13-16 The Message
This is how we know we're living steadily and deeply in him, and he in us: He's given us life from his life, from his very own Spirit. Also, we've seen for ourselves and continue to state openly that the Father sent his Son as Savior of the world. Everyone who confesses that Jesus is God's Son participates continuously in an intimate relationship with God. We know it so well, we've embraced it heart and soul, this love that comes from God.
My God is Love. I will continue to hope, seek and pray for God's will to be done in revealing my Earthly Valentine to me. And while I wait, I will hold on to his promise, his salvation, and his incredible Love.
L
Thursday, February 9, 2012
While I'm Waiting
So we know how 16 year old Lindsay would react to still being single, but the big question is how does 30 year old Lindsay feel about it. Well, I have my good days (which have been a little more frequent lately) and my bad days, which have pretty much ruled my time in the last 5 years.
It is very hard being single! I have had a couple instances where I returned to being with a man that I already know is not "the one" simply because it is nice to not be alone. Some people are perplexed why I would "waste" my time on a relationship that I know is not right. Those people don't know what it is like to be alone. I'm not trying for a pity party here - "Oh Lindsay, she's so sad and all alone." I am just trying to tell it like it is. When I struggle with stuff, I am on my own. When I have a craptastic day, I don't have anyone to talk to (except my patient mother). When I have to make tough decisions there is no one to weigh them with. I know marriage is hard, I am certain of it. I know that being part of a duo is not always great. But I also know being alone is harder.
1 Corinthians 7:8 The Message
I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.
Dude! Paul speaks the truth on this one! I have given singleness a shot, I have spent years perfecting it, and you know what? It is NOT for me. Of course, if you keep reading the chapter, Paul expands on his views of marriage:
1 Corinthians 7:32-35 The Message
I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.
Drat! So all this time, when I was all kinds of fixated on how much it sucks to be single, I was supposed to use that time to concentrate on God? Yeah, I have not exactly done that. Apparently all this time I have been "free" but I have let my displeasure with God's timing wrap me up in chains. I let that displeasure (let's just call it anger) be a major distraction for me.
So now what?
The thing is, for all the time I have spent being angry at God, and crying about being single, I truly believe I have been growing. In my humanness, I still wish God would bring someone into my life on my timetable, but in my spirit, I know that God has his reasons for what I perceive to be Him holding out on me. I once said to my dad, that even if God brought someone into my life in this moment, and I could live "happily ever after" I would still be mad at Him for making me wait so long. I really wish that wasn't true, but it is. So that is what I am working on - having peace about God's plans for me. It's probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, is to let go of that anger about my perceived injustice in God's timing. Am I alone here? Have you ever thought that God was being unfair, or holding out on you? What is the thing that you got mad at God for?
I also have these moments when I feel like such a dummy for being so mad at God about something that is obviously not the only important thing in life.
"Can you worship a God who isn't obligated to explain His actions to you? Could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation?" ~ Francis Chan
For too many years I have been thinking that God owes me an explanation. In fact I became so mad at Him, I knew I would demand an explanation even if I got what I wanted. It has taken far too long to move beyond that arrogance and start to channel my energy towards being obedient, and accepting that God doesn't answer to me. I am to answer to Him.
I'm not good at letting other people have control. No, really, I suck at it. So when it comes to letting an abstract force have control, I generally let God have the reigns for all of 2 seconds before I decide He is not doing it right, or He must need my help. I am one of those people who takes it to the altar, and then after I have prayed, I go ahead and pick it back up again. God's busy, I can manage this myself. But can I really?
Psalm 37:4-8 New Living Translation
Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit everything you do to the LORD.
Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
Be still in the presence of the LORD,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.
Stop being angry!
Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper—
it only leads to harm.
The Word is pretty clear. Delight in who God is, have some peace and listen to Him, and above all, stop being mad, get over your issue because it's just going to destroy you, and the promise is that God will meet your need.
It is hard to believe, and it is even harder to practice. But I am trying. I am looking to Him, and trying. I may have wasted time not seeking Him first in my singleness, but that only made my sadness and restlessness worse. It's time to change my game plan. It's absolutely time to commit to serving him while I wait.
While I'm Waiting - John Waller
L
It is very hard being single! I have had a couple instances where I returned to being with a man that I already know is not "the one" simply because it is nice to not be alone. Some people are perplexed why I would "waste" my time on a relationship that I know is not right. Those people don't know what it is like to be alone. I'm not trying for a pity party here - "Oh Lindsay, she's so sad and all alone." I am just trying to tell it like it is. When I struggle with stuff, I am on my own. When I have a craptastic day, I don't have anyone to talk to (except my patient mother). When I have to make tough decisions there is no one to weigh them with. I know marriage is hard, I am certain of it. I know that being part of a duo is not always great. But I also know being alone is harder.
1 Corinthians 7:8 The Message
I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.
Dude! Paul speaks the truth on this one! I have given singleness a shot, I have spent years perfecting it, and you know what? It is NOT for me. Of course, if you keep reading the chapter, Paul expands on his views of marriage:
1 Corinthians 7:32-35 The Message
I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.
Drat! So all this time, when I was all kinds of fixated on how much it sucks to be single, I was supposed to use that time to concentrate on God? Yeah, I have not exactly done that. Apparently all this time I have been "free" but I have let my displeasure with God's timing wrap me up in chains. I let that displeasure (let's just call it anger) be a major distraction for me.
So now what?
The thing is, for all the time I have spent being angry at God, and crying about being single, I truly believe I have been growing. In my humanness, I still wish God would bring someone into my life on my timetable, but in my spirit, I know that God has his reasons for what I perceive to be Him holding out on me. I once said to my dad, that even if God brought someone into my life in this moment, and I could live "happily ever after" I would still be mad at Him for making me wait so long. I really wish that wasn't true, but it is. So that is what I am working on - having peace about God's plans for me. It's probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, is to let go of that anger about my perceived injustice in God's timing. Am I alone here? Have you ever thought that God was being unfair, or holding out on you? What is the thing that you got mad at God for?
I also have these moments when I feel like such a dummy for being so mad at God about something that is obviously not the only important thing in life.
"Can you worship a God who isn't obligated to explain His actions to you? Could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation?" ~ Francis Chan
For too many years I have been thinking that God owes me an explanation. In fact I became so mad at Him, I knew I would demand an explanation even if I got what I wanted. It has taken far too long to move beyond that arrogance and start to channel my energy towards being obedient, and accepting that God doesn't answer to me. I am to answer to Him.
I'm not good at letting other people have control. No, really, I suck at it. So when it comes to letting an abstract force have control, I generally let God have the reigns for all of 2 seconds before I decide He is not doing it right, or He must need my help. I am one of those people who takes it to the altar, and then after I have prayed, I go ahead and pick it back up again. God's busy, I can manage this myself. But can I really?
Psalm 37:4-8 New Living Translation
Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit everything you do to the LORD.
Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
Be still in the presence of the LORD,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.
Stop being angry!
Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper—
it only leads to harm.
The Word is pretty clear. Delight in who God is, have some peace and listen to Him, and above all, stop being mad, get over your issue because it's just going to destroy you, and the promise is that God will meet your need.
It is hard to believe, and it is even harder to practice. But I am trying. I am looking to Him, and trying. I may have wasted time not seeking Him first in my singleness, but that only made my sadness and restlessness worse. It's time to change my game plan. It's absolutely time to commit to serving him while I wait.
While I'm Waiting - John Waller
L
Monday, February 6, 2012
Dreams
If you were a little girl once; do you remember when you were little, and you dreamt about getting married and having babies? In my girlie childhood, I spent quite a bit of time planning this future for myself. I decided I would marry an architect when I was about 22, and I would have two children, because everything in the world is designed for a family of four. I would want girls (mostly because when you are a girl yourself, you can't imagine having to spend too much time with a little boy) and we would build a lovely house (that me and my architect husband designed) and live happily ever after.
Of course, these are childhood dreams, but even at a young age when you are busy making lofty plans for yourself, you have the sensibility that not everything will turn out as you plan - you may, for instance have to settle for a doctor instead of an architect. But we can hardly imagine how our futures will really unfold.
The dream is actually quite simple, and one that has been repeated over and over through history. Grow up, get an education, find a partner, get married, have children. Such a simple formula! I was perfectly right to spend hours dreaming of this outcome for my life because how could it possibly unfold any differently?
By the time I started college, I felt like I was well on my way to having all my childhood dreams fulfilled. I was still at a stage in my history where I had "Kissed Dating Goodbye" but I knew there were opportunities to build friendships with men all over the place. I was on track with my relationship with God; fervently sticking to my convictions, praying for purity of heart and mind, and avoiding temptation. My journal entries from this time in my life are packed with prayers for God to help me resist sin, in action and mind. I even admonished others to follow my example. (Which was no doubt incredibly annoying to my friends..) I met a few men my freshman year of college who I was instantly convinced would all make suitable "happily ever after" candidates. Mighty men of God, who were smart, kind, funny and attractive. I was endlessly optimistic about my prospects.
But then my world started to shift. I can't quite pinpoint when, but things started to change for me, and by sophomore year I was still delighted by the men in my world, but there was one in particular who I was convinced was my "happily ever after guy". So convinced, in fact that I stopped looking for anyone else. It is worth mentioning that this person was not exactly on board with my happily ever after plans. In fact, we often spent time talking about other women he was interested in.
Here is where things kind of went into a tailspin for me. I was like a kid who only wants to use the color red over and over again, when in fact there are lots of other amazing colors available. As much as my friends, and my parents tried to convince me to try another color, I was convinced the only one worth spending my time on was the color red. I had tunnel vision, and could not see beyond what was right in front of me.
You know what happens when you spend too much time on something that is leading down a dead end? You get discouraged. You get hurt. You get angry. I started to spend a lot of time with those emotions. In fact they flooded my heart and mind. I was mad at this man, I was mad at God, I was mad at myself. But I just couldn't stop. And then, depression started to creep in. But even then, I could not walk away, I held on for dear life and prayed it would work out.
It wasn't going to work out, but I would not know that for another year and a half. Yep, that's right. I spent three years just coloring with red, stubbornly refusing to consider any other color, even when sticking with the red one was hurting me. Three years. Even now when I think about it, I am overwhelmed by how much time that is, and how little I have to show for it. I believe God has a plan, and I am sure that part of his plan was for me to spend time with the color red, but I don't think he was planning for me to commit three years to it.
Allow me to be clear. I am not blaming this man at all. He tried a dozen ways to communicate that he was not interested in me the way I was in him. I just chose to ignore it. And I believe we both got something from our friendship. I am absolutely certain it was his words that helped me stay out of the hospital when I was at my emotional rock bottom. Our time together was not a waste, but it did not produce much fruit either.
Luke 13:6-7
Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’
I find it quite fitting that the man had been waiting for three years. After three years of little to no fruit, I cut the tree down. I ended my connection with the color red, and started to work on moving on. By this time I was almost done college, but also just trying to stay alive. Healing would not come for some time.
There are a few chapters to understanding how I got to where I am today, as a 30 year old single girl. There have been more tears cried, more personal pain, more anger with God than most people know. I had a pretty simple plan for a happy ending when I was a child. And when I was 16 I started to spiritually commit to that plan, with a feeling of assurance that my obedience would be rewarded. I started to guide my thoughts and actions toward allowing myself to be open to God's plan - my dreams come true.
I have been known to say that if you told 16 year old Lindsay that at age 30 I will still be single, 16 year old Lindsay would not even know how to move forward. Perhaps there is some wisdom to God's plan after all... If I had known then that I would have to wait for so long without my happy ending, my story would most certainly be different. Perhaps much darker. God took a chance with this particular plan though, since being single through my 20's was incredibly lonely, and a much more difficult path than I was counting on.
1 Corinthians 10:13 The Message
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.
God's word is true. I was pushed to my limit, but not past it. I have been on the edge many times, but He has continued to help me come through it. His plan for me was certainly outside what I had been dreaming of. And I am guilty of thinking God let me down, but it has been in my human weakness that I have felt that way; my God has never left me, and He HAS NOT let me down.
So what I am working on now is reflecting on the past, but not being overcome by it. My history is important, it has become a part of me, but the future is HIS alone. When I wrote about God's will, I spent no less than 2 hours researching how to know God's will. It's not so easy to figure it out. The only thing I am clear on is that we need to look to HIM. So that I what I am trying to do. I have spent years wrapped up in my own stuff, and since God has been so merciful as to bring me restoration, I refuse to squander it on old habits. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will look to Him.
Ephesians 3:21-22a
God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
L
Blessings by Laura Story
Of course, these are childhood dreams, but even at a young age when you are busy making lofty plans for yourself, you have the sensibility that not everything will turn out as you plan - you may, for instance have to settle for a doctor instead of an architect. But we can hardly imagine how our futures will really unfold.
The dream is actually quite simple, and one that has been repeated over and over through history. Grow up, get an education, find a partner, get married, have children. Such a simple formula! I was perfectly right to spend hours dreaming of this outcome for my life because how could it possibly unfold any differently?
By the time I started college, I felt like I was well on my way to having all my childhood dreams fulfilled. I was still at a stage in my history where I had "Kissed Dating Goodbye" but I knew there were opportunities to build friendships with men all over the place. I was on track with my relationship with God; fervently sticking to my convictions, praying for purity of heart and mind, and avoiding temptation. My journal entries from this time in my life are packed with prayers for God to help me resist sin, in action and mind. I even admonished others to follow my example. (Which was no doubt incredibly annoying to my friends..) I met a few men my freshman year of college who I was instantly convinced would all make suitable "happily ever after" candidates. Mighty men of God, who were smart, kind, funny and attractive. I was endlessly optimistic about my prospects.
But then my world started to shift. I can't quite pinpoint when, but things started to change for me, and by sophomore year I was still delighted by the men in my world, but there was one in particular who I was convinced was my "happily ever after guy". So convinced, in fact that I stopped looking for anyone else. It is worth mentioning that this person was not exactly on board with my happily ever after plans. In fact, we often spent time talking about other women he was interested in.
Here is where things kind of went into a tailspin for me. I was like a kid who only wants to use the color red over and over again, when in fact there are lots of other amazing colors available. As much as my friends, and my parents tried to convince me to try another color, I was convinced the only one worth spending my time on was the color red. I had tunnel vision, and could not see beyond what was right in front of me.
You know what happens when you spend too much time on something that is leading down a dead end? You get discouraged. You get hurt. You get angry. I started to spend a lot of time with those emotions. In fact they flooded my heart and mind. I was mad at this man, I was mad at God, I was mad at myself. But I just couldn't stop. And then, depression started to creep in. But even then, I could not walk away, I held on for dear life and prayed it would work out.
It wasn't going to work out, but I would not know that for another year and a half. Yep, that's right. I spent three years just coloring with red, stubbornly refusing to consider any other color, even when sticking with the red one was hurting me. Three years. Even now when I think about it, I am overwhelmed by how much time that is, and how little I have to show for it. I believe God has a plan, and I am sure that part of his plan was for me to spend time with the color red, but I don't think he was planning for me to commit three years to it.
Allow me to be clear. I am not blaming this man at all. He tried a dozen ways to communicate that he was not interested in me the way I was in him. I just chose to ignore it. And I believe we both got something from our friendship. I am absolutely certain it was his words that helped me stay out of the hospital when I was at my emotional rock bottom. Our time together was not a waste, but it did not produce much fruit either.
Luke 13:6-7
Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’
I find it quite fitting that the man had been waiting for three years. After three years of little to no fruit, I cut the tree down. I ended my connection with the color red, and started to work on moving on. By this time I was almost done college, but also just trying to stay alive. Healing would not come for some time.
There are a few chapters to understanding how I got to where I am today, as a 30 year old single girl. There have been more tears cried, more personal pain, more anger with God than most people know. I had a pretty simple plan for a happy ending when I was a child. And when I was 16 I started to spiritually commit to that plan, with a feeling of assurance that my obedience would be rewarded. I started to guide my thoughts and actions toward allowing myself to be open to God's plan - my dreams come true.
I have been known to say that if you told 16 year old Lindsay that at age 30 I will still be single, 16 year old Lindsay would not even know how to move forward. Perhaps there is some wisdom to God's plan after all... If I had known then that I would have to wait for so long without my happy ending, my story would most certainly be different. Perhaps much darker. God took a chance with this particular plan though, since being single through my 20's was incredibly lonely, and a much more difficult path than I was counting on.
1 Corinthians 10:13 The Message
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.
God's word is true. I was pushed to my limit, but not past it. I have been on the edge many times, but He has continued to help me come through it. His plan for me was certainly outside what I had been dreaming of. And I am guilty of thinking God let me down, but it has been in my human weakness that I have felt that way; my God has never left me, and He HAS NOT let me down.
So what I am working on now is reflecting on the past, but not being overcome by it. My history is important, it has become a part of me, but the future is HIS alone. When I wrote about God's will, I spent no less than 2 hours researching how to know God's will. It's not so easy to figure it out. The only thing I am clear on is that we need to look to HIM. So that I what I am trying to do. I have spent years wrapped up in my own stuff, and since God has been so merciful as to bring me restoration, I refuse to squander it on old habits. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will look to Him.
Ephesians 3:21-22a
God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
L
Blessings by Laura Story
Sunday, January 29, 2012
My Plan, His Will
Today I have a less revealing secret to share, which only requires that my audience not to talk to my boss. I am hoping to move back to Canada, and have been searching for a job in the Toronto area for about 9 months. For those who don't know, my family moved to Maryland from Ontario about 14 years ago. In 2006 we became American citizens. But the thing is, that despite how blessed I have been living and working here, I want to go back to the homeland.
The process to be eligible to work in Canada as a social worker has not been too difficult, though it has been expensive. I have spent over $600 in less than a year to maintain registration with the Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers (OCSWSSW - catchy huh?) so that I can obtain employment in Ontario. I have been registered since April 2011, and I have been applying for jobs fairly regularly since then. I easily applied to 50 jobs. I have not heard back from one single job in that time, which is ridiculously discouraging.
So here is where things get tricky; is the lack of response from the good people of Canada God's way of saying he does not want me to move back to Canada, or is this simply another one of those really cool tests of faith being placed in my path? God's will is annoyingly tough to figure out.
My reasons for moving back are pretty extensive. First of all, if I am going to do it, I should be single when it happens, since in my experience, most American guys are not so keen on moving to Canada. They do like to quote the "Blame Canada" episode of South Park though. So, currently I am STILL single (there is a whole bunch of blogs on that topic in my future) and now is a good time to make such a life-altering move. In addition, I miss the culture there, the people and the pace of life. When I was in Barrie, Ont for a wedding a few years ago, I was overwhelmed by how happy I was surrounded by other Canadians, it felt perfect. As I drove home to MD from that trip, I kept feeling like I was leaving my home.
The overwhelming reason to try and return to Canada has a lot to do with my work, and what I do for a living. I like to help people. I'm trained to help people, and I am pretty good at it too. But in the US we have this broken health care system which is a significant barrier to me being able to help people the way I want to. In addition, the health care system here makes things worse for people who are already struggling, and I have no way to fix that. I'm a "fixer." It's in my nature to solve the problems of other people, and I can't fix this. I work with patients every day who have to make choices between a roof over their head or health care and I am tired of it. Let me be clear, Canada does not have a perfect system either, but it is a stronger, more cohesive system where everyone is in and no one is left out. Basic health care is a guarantee in Canada, which means as a social worker, I will get to spend more time doing what I love - helping people, and less time trying to figure out how to pay for it.
I think that the thing that is abundantly clear when you are trying to make a change in your life, is that we generally do not have as much control over that change as we want to. Not only that, but once we decide we want to do something, it is exceptionally easy to get all wrapped up in our own plans, and assume that because our plans are so big and wonderful, it must be what God wants for us.
Matthew 10:39 The Message
If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.
I'm already on to the idea that if I try and make this change in my own wisdom, I am likely to fail. But obedience is a difficult behavior to master, and even when I am trying to look to Him for the right path, I sometimes get caught up in myself, and lose my focus.
James 1:5-7 The Message
If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought.
When it comes to moving back to Canada, I am asking God for help, and I believe I have counted the cost. It will mean leaving my incredible family, and being a significant distance away from their loving shelter. It will involve leaving some incredible friends behind. There will be new and challenging things to learn since I have never worked in Canada before. It will certainly mean a time of isolation while I settle in; before I have made new connections. And possibly most distressing of all; it will mean giving up soft shell crab, because believe me, Ontario has no idea how to made a decent crab cake...
In many ways it is kind of crazy to take such an unnecessary step. Why change everything when I don't have to? The truth is, I have been feeling like I "have to" for a while now. I think everything needs to change. I am restless and feel this burden to step outside my comfort zone. So I have my big beautiful plan, but I am wise to the fact that God sometimes uses "MY" plan to unfold HIS plan. So, I am also on the lookout for a reason to stay; just in case.
I still think God's will pretty tough to figure out, but I know I will not see it unfold in my life unless I am looking to Him. There are times when we think we have figured out what God wants, and then everything changes and we are left wondering why we went down that path. When I was depressed, trying to figure out God's will was particularly irritating - why would God want me to be so sad? What could he have been going for there?
1 Peter 4:12-13 The Message
Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner.
There is a plan. We are a part of that plan. To understand that plan always be looking to Him. You are not alone, he didn't start working and then just get bored in the middle. He is carrying the plan to completion (Philippians 1:6) whether we can see it or not. And GLORY is just around the corner.
Thank God for that!
L
The process to be eligible to work in Canada as a social worker has not been too difficult, though it has been expensive. I have spent over $600 in less than a year to maintain registration with the Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers (OCSWSSW - catchy huh?) so that I can obtain employment in Ontario. I have been registered since April 2011, and I have been applying for jobs fairly regularly since then. I easily applied to 50 jobs. I have not heard back from one single job in that time, which is ridiculously discouraging.
So here is where things get tricky; is the lack of response from the good people of Canada God's way of saying he does not want me to move back to Canada, or is this simply another one of those really cool tests of faith being placed in my path? God's will is annoyingly tough to figure out.
My reasons for moving back are pretty extensive. First of all, if I am going to do it, I should be single when it happens, since in my experience, most American guys are not so keen on moving to Canada. They do like to quote the "Blame Canada" episode of South Park though. So, currently I am STILL single (there is a whole bunch of blogs on that topic in my future) and now is a good time to make such a life-altering move. In addition, I miss the culture there, the people and the pace of life. When I was in Barrie, Ont for a wedding a few years ago, I was overwhelmed by how happy I was surrounded by other Canadians, it felt perfect. As I drove home to MD from that trip, I kept feeling like I was leaving my home.
The overwhelming reason to try and return to Canada has a lot to do with my work, and what I do for a living. I like to help people. I'm trained to help people, and I am pretty good at it too. But in the US we have this broken health care system which is a significant barrier to me being able to help people the way I want to. In addition, the health care system here makes things worse for people who are already struggling, and I have no way to fix that. I'm a "fixer." It's in my nature to solve the problems of other people, and I can't fix this. I work with patients every day who have to make choices between a roof over their head or health care and I am tired of it. Let me be clear, Canada does not have a perfect system either, but it is a stronger, more cohesive system where everyone is in and no one is left out. Basic health care is a guarantee in Canada, which means as a social worker, I will get to spend more time doing what I love - helping people, and less time trying to figure out how to pay for it.
I think that the thing that is abundantly clear when you are trying to make a change in your life, is that we generally do not have as much control over that change as we want to. Not only that, but once we decide we want to do something, it is exceptionally easy to get all wrapped up in our own plans, and assume that because our plans are so big and wonderful, it must be what God wants for us.
Matthew 10:39 The Message
If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.
I'm already on to the idea that if I try and make this change in my own wisdom, I am likely to fail. But obedience is a difficult behavior to master, and even when I am trying to look to Him for the right path, I sometimes get caught up in myself, and lose my focus.
James 1:5-7 The Message
If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought.
When it comes to moving back to Canada, I am asking God for help, and I believe I have counted the cost. It will mean leaving my incredible family, and being a significant distance away from their loving shelter. It will involve leaving some incredible friends behind. There will be new and challenging things to learn since I have never worked in Canada before. It will certainly mean a time of isolation while I settle in; before I have made new connections. And possibly most distressing of all; it will mean giving up soft shell crab, because believe me, Ontario has no idea how to made a decent crab cake...
In many ways it is kind of crazy to take such an unnecessary step. Why change everything when I don't have to? The truth is, I have been feeling like I "have to" for a while now. I think everything needs to change. I am restless and feel this burden to step outside my comfort zone. So I have my big beautiful plan, but I am wise to the fact that God sometimes uses "MY" plan to unfold HIS plan. So, I am also on the lookout for a reason to stay; just in case.
I still think God's will pretty tough to figure out, but I know I will not see it unfold in my life unless I am looking to Him. There are times when we think we have figured out what God wants, and then everything changes and we are left wondering why we went down that path. When I was depressed, trying to figure out God's will was particularly irritating - why would God want me to be so sad? What could he have been going for there?
1 Peter 4:12-13 The Message
Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner.
There is a plan. We are a part of that plan. To understand that plan always be looking to Him. You are not alone, he didn't start working and then just get bored in the middle. He is carrying the plan to completion (Philippians 1:6) whether we can see it or not. And GLORY is just around the corner.
Thank God for that!
L
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Going Naked
Talking about my big bad secrets has been both terrifying and liberating. I really don't think God means for us to keep secrets like those, I suspect he would prefer we shine a light on all our struggles so that others can help us through it. Hiding things is clearly a human condition.
Genesis 2:25 The Message
The two of them, the Man and his Wife, were naked, but they felt no shame.
Genesis 3:7-10 The Message
Immediately the two of them did "see what's really going on"—saw themselves naked! They sewed fig leaves together as makeshift clothes for themselves.
When they heard the sound of God strolling in the garden in the evening breeze, the Man and his Wife hid in the trees of the garden, hid from God.
God called to the Man: "Where are you?"
He said, "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked. And I hid."
That's really not what God was going for. He was planning on having his people live in freedom, without shame. But we pretty much messed that up, and now we keep secrets all the time. During my struggles, I wrote the following poem. (For the record, I am of the mindset that poetry is only interesting to the person who writes it, but give it a chance here, I promise to read your melancholy poem sometime if you like.)
Illusions of Me
Face not reveling former defeat
When wistful image and heart meet
I smile so hidden thoughts won’t speak
Through this secret frown I keep
And hope this mask of mine not transparent
Displays the light heart that I just can’t
I let the outside become who I am
To friends whose blindness won’t understand
Completely accepting of what they see
Their illusions perceive a different me
I become the illusion they demand
Conform to this myth but unable to stand
A weak spirit, cancerous to my hope
Lames my joys and I cannot cope
I lose focus of the hand before my eye
Disbelief simple faith will fill the hole
That this remedy of grace will soothe the soul
I clasp my hands in fingered knot
Driving away depression demons I’ve fought
Letting each failure fall with each damp tear
Puddles of sin defeat and pain lie here
I open up an imprisoned heart to be free
Receive a flood of grace so heavenly
Forgiveness covering once permanent dismay
Finding renewal in a brand new day
When you have a secret like depression, alcoholism, pornography addiction, self injury, drug abuse, sexual assault, disordered eating, gambling, or any one of hundreds of other issues, you are not about to tell droves of people about how you are experiencing something totally outside God's plan; that you are actually naked under all those clothes (read: lies.)
And here's the kicker, of all the people that we hide from, the church tends to be number one. Christians are good people, they are just trying to do the right thing, but they have a habit of being a little high and mighty about some things. I always think about the Casting Crowns song, "Does Anybody Hear Her?"
"If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her"
I have totally been one of those lofty people. That's another human condition. Thinking that our sin is not as bad as another sin. God has been pretty clear about that one; sin is sin. There are no "degrees of sin." And yet, among Christians, sometimes we assign those degrees in our heads, and judge accordingly. This is not a great move on our part since if there is one theme in the Bible it's that ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23). We all need grace.
What would our churches be like if we revealed our secrets? What would they be like if we confessed our sin to each other as well as God? Well it would probably be a hot mess there for a while since knowing all those secrets would probably overwhelm us, but ultimately the idea of the church being the safest place to tell your secret is I'm pretty sure what God has been hoping for all along.
When I was struggling I did not have any interest in seeing a Christian counselor. I was afraid, and ashamed of what I was going through, and I was pretty sure a Christian therapist would tell me to confess and just pray it out. (Which is of course, not how they practice, but I didn't know that at the time). Since I had already tried the confessing and praying thing, I knew I was gonna need more help than that. I also avoided talking to people in the church about what I was going through for the same reason.
I fully believe we would blow the roof off our churches if we trusted the power of living in truth. Sure, I'm being idealistic, but if you can't be idealistic about radical revival in the church, there's really very little point in being a Christian at all. Because here's the thing - God wants radical change in his people. He does not want us to hide from him or each other. I wish I had a better grasp on that when I was busy keeping secrets.
Anyway, my big point here, is that no one is exempt from having secrets, because we all do. The question is, can we learn to trust each other more, and help each other attain the freedom that comes from living in the Light. I say, lose the fig leaves, just go naked.
L
Genesis 2:25 The Message
The two of them, the Man and his Wife, were naked, but they felt no shame.
Genesis 3:7-10 The Message
Immediately the two of them did "see what's really going on"—saw themselves naked! They sewed fig leaves together as makeshift clothes for themselves.
When they heard the sound of God strolling in the garden in the evening breeze, the Man and his Wife hid in the trees of the garden, hid from God.
God called to the Man: "Where are you?"
He said, "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked. And I hid."
That's really not what God was going for. He was planning on having his people live in freedom, without shame. But we pretty much messed that up, and now we keep secrets all the time. During my struggles, I wrote the following poem. (For the record, I am of the mindset that poetry is only interesting to the person who writes it, but give it a chance here, I promise to read your melancholy poem sometime if you like.)
Illusions of Me
My eyes look up to the glass
Paned
reflections of my pastFace not reveling former defeat
When wistful image and heart meet
I smile so hidden thoughts won’t speak
Through this secret frown I keep
And hope this mask of mine not transparent
Displays the light heart that I just can’t
I let the outside become who I am
To friends whose blindness won’t understand
Completely accepting of what they see
Their illusions perceive a different me
I become the illusion they demand
Conform to this myth but unable to stand
A weak spirit, cancerous to my hope
Lames my joys and I cannot cope
I lose focus of the hand before my eye
Disbelief simple faith will fill the hole
That this remedy of grace will soothe the soul
I clasp my hands in fingered knot
Driving away depression demons I’ve fought
Letting each failure fall with each damp tear
Puddles of sin defeat and pain lie here
I open up an imprisoned heart to be free
Receive a flood of grace so heavenly
Forgiveness covering once permanent dismay
Finding renewal in a brand new day
When you have a secret like depression, alcoholism, pornography addiction, self injury, drug abuse, sexual assault, disordered eating, gambling, or any one of hundreds of other issues, you are not about to tell droves of people about how you are experiencing something totally outside God's plan; that you are actually naked under all those clothes (read: lies.)
And here's the kicker, of all the people that we hide from, the church tends to be number one. Christians are good people, they are just trying to do the right thing, but they have a habit of being a little high and mighty about some things. I always think about the Casting Crowns song, "Does Anybody Hear Her?"
"If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her"
I have totally been one of those lofty people. That's another human condition. Thinking that our sin is not as bad as another sin. God has been pretty clear about that one; sin is sin. There are no "degrees of sin." And yet, among Christians, sometimes we assign those degrees in our heads, and judge accordingly. This is not a great move on our part since if there is one theme in the Bible it's that ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23). We all need grace.
What would our churches be like if we revealed our secrets? What would they be like if we confessed our sin to each other as well as God? Well it would probably be a hot mess there for a while since knowing all those secrets would probably overwhelm us, but ultimately the idea of the church being the safest place to tell your secret is I'm pretty sure what God has been hoping for all along.
When I was struggling I did not have any interest in seeing a Christian counselor. I was afraid, and ashamed of what I was going through, and I was pretty sure a Christian therapist would tell me to confess and just pray it out. (Which is of course, not how they practice, but I didn't know that at the time). Since I had already tried the confessing and praying thing, I knew I was gonna need more help than that. I also avoided talking to people in the church about what I was going through for the same reason.
I fully believe we would blow the roof off our churches if we trusted the power of living in truth. Sure, I'm being idealistic, but if you can't be idealistic about radical revival in the church, there's really very little point in being a Christian at all. Because here's the thing - God wants radical change in his people. He does not want us to hide from him or each other. I wish I had a better grasp on that when I was busy keeping secrets.
Anyway, my big point here, is that no one is exempt from having secrets, because we all do. The question is, can we learn to trust each other more, and help each other attain the freedom that comes from living in the Light. I say, lose the fig leaves, just go naked.
L
Restoration
I had a glorious childhood.
My formative years were pretty much awesome 24/7. I was energetic, curious, loud, imaginative and playful. My world consisted of two super fun parents, who read to me every night, put on puppet shows for me, encouraged me and when needed, disciplined me in a fair and loving way. I also had this really fun little sister, who was four years younger than me, and almost completely accepting of everything I told her. I think we lived a pretty simple life the four of us. Sure, we moved more often than the average family, and Lord knows my parents have spent more money on new carpet than most, but in general, we were just like everyone else. I met all those developmental milestones psychiatrists are always concerned about. I was a little impulsive, which led to several emergency room visits, and I was far too bossy, but otherwise, I was a normal kid.
When I looked at my life years later, seated in my therapist's office, it was pretty hard to think of anything that could have triggered the incredible mental pain I was now in. In particular, there was no identifiable reason for my problems with self injury. Many people who struggle with self harm have themselves been harmed in some way. They tend to be people who experienced mental and/or physical abuse, sexual assault, or trauma. There are many who present with an eating disorder, or a personality disorder. But not me. I had a pretty limited scope of what I could blame my problems on. As you can imagine, this pretty much made it worse.
As a licensed social worker myself, with the same license now, that my therapist had then, I can vouch for the fact that when a patient has an issue like depression or self injury, most times there is a catalyst for those problems. My poor therapist was stuck trying to help a young woman who had no explaination for why things suddenly started to suck and why they stayed that way. Without a point of origin to work with, coping with depression was a much harder task. Therapy visits could not center around having been abused and focusing on working through that experience. No such trauma had occured, I had a glorious childhood! Many times, in that office, I felt kind of stupid for being sad. What was there to be sad about?
So even within the mental health community I did not fit. I have already written about how once I started to stuggle, I didn't feel like my faith fit anymore either. I think this may be why my depression was resistant to treatment and lasted as long as it did. I didn't know anyone like me, and I felt incredibly isolated. And when the depression became a fully-formed all consuming, day to day reality, I also lost the ability and desire to write. Back in high school I had started fervently and diligently writing at least two pages every day. Prayers, stories, poems, I have a dozen journals packed with the moments of my life. Depression took my favorite way to sort out my feelings about friends, family, God and life, and held it as a prisoner of war.
Journal Entry, November 1, 2001
I feel so tremendously guilty for being depressed. I feel like I have let people down. I hate this so much and I can't free myself from it. I've tried, I really have!
So I get thinking, well maybe I'm not really depressed. I mean I just can't be. It's someone else's life, not mine. I don't believe this is real, it can't be! I'm a Christian, this is not supposed to happen to people like me.
The thing that scares me the most is: am I letting God down? I mean, I'm so sad, how can that be of God? If I am so sad, so broken, so messed up, does that mean God is not with me anymore? What did I do to end up here? Why am I so far from Him?
It was desperate entries like this one, which eventually led to me not wanting to write at all. I kept asking all these questions that I had no answers to, and it just made my frustration with depression worse. I stopped consistently journaling shortly after that entry.
Writing was pretty much reserved for school after that, and while I still wrote occasionally, I never really felt the same passion for it. That is, up until about a week ago, when the passion for writing and desire to get back to it, overwhelmed me and sparked the idea for this blog.
I had a glorious childhood. For a reason that is still not clear to me, I suffered with some inexplicable, overwhelming pain, and when that pain disappeared, my desire to write came back. And here I am, on the other side of something I was pretty convinced was going to last forever. I am being restored, and this little spot on the internet is a part of that restoration.
I Need You - The Swift
L
My formative years were pretty much awesome 24/7. I was energetic, curious, loud, imaginative and playful. My world consisted of two super fun parents, who read to me every night, put on puppet shows for me, encouraged me and when needed, disciplined me in a fair and loving way. I also had this really fun little sister, who was four years younger than me, and almost completely accepting of everything I told her. I think we lived a pretty simple life the four of us. Sure, we moved more often than the average family, and Lord knows my parents have spent more money on new carpet than most, but in general, we were just like everyone else. I met all those developmental milestones psychiatrists are always concerned about. I was a little impulsive, which led to several emergency room visits, and I was far too bossy, but otherwise, I was a normal kid.
When I looked at my life years later, seated in my therapist's office, it was pretty hard to think of anything that could have triggered the incredible mental pain I was now in. In particular, there was no identifiable reason for my problems with self injury. Many people who struggle with self harm have themselves been harmed in some way. They tend to be people who experienced mental and/or physical abuse, sexual assault, or trauma. There are many who present with an eating disorder, or a personality disorder. But not me. I had a pretty limited scope of what I could blame my problems on. As you can imagine, this pretty much made it worse.
As a licensed social worker myself, with the same license now, that my therapist had then, I can vouch for the fact that when a patient has an issue like depression or self injury, most times there is a catalyst for those problems. My poor therapist was stuck trying to help a young woman who had no explaination for why things suddenly started to suck and why they stayed that way. Without a point of origin to work with, coping with depression was a much harder task. Therapy visits could not center around having been abused and focusing on working through that experience. No such trauma had occured, I had a glorious childhood! Many times, in that office, I felt kind of stupid for being sad. What was there to be sad about?
So even within the mental health community I did not fit. I have already written about how once I started to stuggle, I didn't feel like my faith fit anymore either. I think this may be why my depression was resistant to treatment and lasted as long as it did. I didn't know anyone like me, and I felt incredibly isolated. And when the depression became a fully-formed all consuming, day to day reality, I also lost the ability and desire to write. Back in high school I had started fervently and diligently writing at least two pages every day. Prayers, stories, poems, I have a dozen journals packed with the moments of my life. Depression took my favorite way to sort out my feelings about friends, family, God and life, and held it as a prisoner of war.
Journal Entry, November 1, 2001
I feel so tremendously guilty for being depressed. I feel like I have let people down. I hate this so much and I can't free myself from it. I've tried, I really have!
So I get thinking, well maybe I'm not really depressed. I mean I just can't be. It's someone else's life, not mine. I don't believe this is real, it can't be! I'm a Christian, this is not supposed to happen to people like me.
The thing that scares me the most is: am I letting God down? I mean, I'm so sad, how can that be of God? If I am so sad, so broken, so messed up, does that mean God is not with me anymore? What did I do to end up here? Why am I so far from Him?
It was desperate entries like this one, which eventually led to me not wanting to write at all. I kept asking all these questions that I had no answers to, and it just made my frustration with depression worse. I stopped consistently journaling shortly after that entry.
Writing was pretty much reserved for school after that, and while I still wrote occasionally, I never really felt the same passion for it. That is, up until about a week ago, when the passion for writing and desire to get back to it, overwhelmed me and sparked the idea for this blog.
I had a glorious childhood. For a reason that is still not clear to me, I suffered with some inexplicable, overwhelming pain, and when that pain disappeared, my desire to write came back. And here I am, on the other side of something I was pretty convinced was going to last forever. I am being restored, and this little spot on the internet is a part of that restoration.
I Need You - The Swift
L
Monday, January 23, 2012
Beauty From Pain
So yesterday I took a big risk, and documented something highly personal. When I woke up this morning, I kept wondering if I had made a mistake by telling my secret and started to second guess putting my true story out there. But those who are reading this blog have been incredibly supportive, and compassionate, which I am so thankful for! So the journey continues.
I think something that is worth conveying is that during the dark moments in my history, as much as I needed support, I had absolutely no ability to really accept it. Not only that, I am a really good liar. So if you asked me how I was, I would tell you I was feeling fine. Even when people who knew about my depression asked me how I was, I always downplayed it. When you are keeping a secret this big, you learn to lie straight to a person's face without a second thought. Particularly when good things were happening:
(Journal Entry)
December 2004
Got into graduate school - Dec 12
Went to Canada - Dec 16
Celebrated Christmas - Dec 24
Cut - Dec 27
But despite my ability to lie, and fake it for certain circumstances, even in the midst of darkness, there was one constant. It was that as many times as I felt alone, God stayed with me, even when I tried to shoo him away. I was making so many mistakes, it seemed ridiculous that God would want anything to do with me. Over and over in my old journal entries there is this pattern of my self-destructive thoughts and actions, and my desperate cry for help from God. One night, I wrote out this passage from Romans:
Romans 7:17-24 The Message
I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
I think what may have been the hardest part for me was that in the two years before I went to college, I was having an absolute blast being a powerhouse for God. I was going to church, and I was leading a school Bible study that met 5 days a week! I was sharing the gospel in class, and inviting people to come check out my youth group. I was singing in church, and worshipping at the altar, seeking more. And it was all real! That intensity, that passion, it was 100 percent legitimate. I felt the Holy Spirit inside and out. I wept over the lost, I prayed for hours alone in my room, I fervently ready the Word, and I wrote about the incredible things God was doing in my life. My heart was overflowing with love for the Lord.
When you have that kind of intense, real and personal relationship with God, it is better than any drug, and just as addictive. I started college, determined to continue the high. But college is completely different from high school, and while I stayed true to my values and beliefs, it started to feel like college had knocked the wind out of my sails. Most people find themselves in college, I sort of lost myself.
I have to say, that I have no idea why God took me down the path that he did. I do not know why he allowed me to be afflicted by depression, and why he allowed it to have a hold on me for so long. I do KNOW that he has a plan, even when I think he is totally making a mistake.
Jeremiah 29:11 The Message
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
There is a reason Christians cling to this verse for dear life. Because just about everything in life is unpredictable, and it is pretty hard to believe there is a plan sometimes. Not only that, we tend to figure that God has other things to think about besides whether or not we are sad, or hurt, or lost. The fact that our God would make a promise like this, brings incredible comfort, even when we don't fully trust that promise. I was sure I would never be free from depression. I never thought I would get to the other side of it, and to be completely honest, I am not quite sure what the catalyst for recovery actually was. I just know that without a doubt, He has made Beauty From Ashes.
Beauty From Pain
L
I think something that is worth conveying is that during the dark moments in my history, as much as I needed support, I had absolutely no ability to really accept it. Not only that, I am a really good liar. So if you asked me how I was, I would tell you I was feeling fine. Even when people who knew about my depression asked me how I was, I always downplayed it. When you are keeping a secret this big, you learn to lie straight to a person's face without a second thought. Particularly when good things were happening:
(Journal Entry)
December 2004
Got into graduate school - Dec 12
Went to Canada - Dec 16
Celebrated Christmas - Dec 24
Cut - Dec 27
But despite my ability to lie, and fake it for certain circumstances, even in the midst of darkness, there was one constant. It was that as many times as I felt alone, God stayed with me, even when I tried to shoo him away. I was making so many mistakes, it seemed ridiculous that God would want anything to do with me. Over and over in my old journal entries there is this pattern of my self-destructive thoughts and actions, and my desperate cry for help from God. One night, I wrote out this passage from Romans:
Romans 7:17-24 The Message
I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
I think what may have been the hardest part for me was that in the two years before I went to college, I was having an absolute blast being a powerhouse for God. I was going to church, and I was leading a school Bible study that met 5 days a week! I was sharing the gospel in class, and inviting people to come check out my youth group. I was singing in church, and worshipping at the altar, seeking more. And it was all real! That intensity, that passion, it was 100 percent legitimate. I felt the Holy Spirit inside and out. I wept over the lost, I prayed for hours alone in my room, I fervently ready the Word, and I wrote about the incredible things God was doing in my life. My heart was overflowing with love for the Lord.
When you have that kind of intense, real and personal relationship with God, it is better than any drug, and just as addictive. I started college, determined to continue the high. But college is completely different from high school, and while I stayed true to my values and beliefs, it started to feel like college had knocked the wind out of my sails. Most people find themselves in college, I sort of lost myself.
I have to say, that I have no idea why God took me down the path that he did. I do not know why he allowed me to be afflicted by depression, and why he allowed it to have a hold on me for so long. I do KNOW that he has a plan, even when I think he is totally making a mistake.
Jeremiah 29:11 The Message
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
There is a reason Christians cling to this verse for dear life. Because just about everything in life is unpredictable, and it is pretty hard to believe there is a plan sometimes. Not only that, we tend to figure that God has other things to think about besides whether or not we are sad, or hurt, or lost. The fact that our God would make a promise like this, brings incredible comfort, even when we don't fully trust that promise. I was sure I would never be free from depression. I never thought I would get to the other side of it, and to be completely honest, I am not quite sure what the catalyst for recovery actually was. I just know that without a doubt, He has made Beauty From Ashes.
Beauty From Pain
L
Sunday, January 22, 2012
My Secret
So I have alluded to, and mentioned, my struggle with depression. I would like to elaborate on that in this entry, and try to start telling my story about living with depression.
I went to see a therapist for the first time when I was 20 years old, in the spring of my sophomore year at Towson. I still remember walking to that first appointment. My school had a free counselling center, and since my mood and life had been off, I thought a therapist might help me figure out what I should do with my life, and help me manage my low moods a little better. Plus, as mentioned, it was free.
That spring, through no fault of my therapist (whom I did not like), my mood, anxiety and depression increased. By the time I reached the weeks before summer break, my therapist told me he thought I should meet with a psychiatrist for medication management, and potentially get a new therapist, off campus who could work with me.
That summer, I went to my primary care practitioner in Frederick, and started my first medication; Celexa.
I didn't tell my parents about the addition of an SSRI to my life because I was pretty sure they would not be pleased, or have a bunch of questions I could not answer.. It was the first time in my life that I kept a real secret from them.
As I started my junior year of school, the depression and anxiety just got worse. I had moved into a one bedroom apartment with one of my best friends, but inside, something was still not right for me. I tried several medications that fall of 2000, but not much seemed to help.
Depression started to take it's suffocating hold on my life, and drag me down into the depths of despair. When I say I was depressed, and that this was a serious, painful, overwhelming force in my life, I am not exaggerating. I am not trying to make my story more interesting. I am telling the truth, and while I hesitate to tell the whole story, it does no one any good to keep it a secret. That year, probably in the late fall, I started down a path of personal destruction that would take hold for a number of years. In a moment of desperation, isolation, loneliness, and disregard for my personal preservation, I injured myself, intentionally, alone in my bathroom, while my roommate watched TV.
I was probably more suicidal than anything else, but my relationship with God prevented me from actually making any kind of plan to make an attempt at my own life. So I cut myself. I know, this is a little gruesome, and ridiculously personal, but what good has it done keeping it a secret? I was sad, I was sick, and for all its merits, the church was absolutely no help in this area. I was desperate to feel something, and having seen an episode on self injury on the show, ER, it seemed like the path of least resistance, which would validate how awful I was feeling on the inside.
I tell this part of my story not to get sympathy, but because if someone like me, who was raised in the church, and truly believed in the POWER of God, can experience this kind of desperation, anyone can. I knew the Lord, I knew, during those moments that he was broken over my actions, but I could not stop. More than that, I did not want to. And when I turned to my faith for help, I was told to pray. I am telling you right now, by the time you are cutting on yourself, prayer is not gonna be the cure-all. I needed a band of believers huddled around me, keeping me accountable. All I had was; "Pray about your depression and God will heal it." You know what? Sometimes people get diagnosed with cancer and God does not heal it.
Having been a Christian my whole life, all I knew about depression was that God, could heal it. That was not going to be enough for me. When I told other Christians about my sadness, they prayed for me, and told me to pray. You know what? Depression is sometimes bigger and uglier than any cancer. Sometimes it has a tighter grip than any tumor. If there is one thing I hope to convey in this blog, it is that the church needs to stop treating depression as a sin - and start treating it like the aggressive, violent and deadly illness it is.
I knew a young man in college. He loved the Lord. He was such a pillar of faith that he was chosen to be a symbol in our campus ministry for who Christ is. He attended church regularly, he did all the things a good Christian man is supposed to do. And then, one day, he threw himself in front of a train, and killed himself. When I heard that he had died, I was overwhelmed by the thought of how lonely and isolated he must have felt in those dark moments of his life. How desperate he must have been to have his faith help him and then feel like his prayers went unanswered. I was also overwhelmed by the fact that I knew exactly how he felt.
There is more to my story, and it will unfold in good time. I am pretty sure that is what this journey is all about.
L
Help For Self Injury
I went to see a therapist for the first time when I was 20 years old, in the spring of my sophomore year at Towson. I still remember walking to that first appointment. My school had a free counselling center, and since my mood and life had been off, I thought a therapist might help me figure out what I should do with my life, and help me manage my low moods a little better. Plus, as mentioned, it was free.
That spring, through no fault of my therapist (whom I did not like), my mood, anxiety and depression increased. By the time I reached the weeks before summer break, my therapist told me he thought I should meet with a psychiatrist for medication management, and potentially get a new therapist, off campus who could work with me.
That summer, I went to my primary care practitioner in Frederick, and started my first medication; Celexa.
I didn't tell my parents about the addition of an SSRI to my life because I was pretty sure they would not be pleased, or have a bunch of questions I could not answer.. It was the first time in my life that I kept a real secret from them.
As I started my junior year of school, the depression and anxiety just got worse. I had moved into a one bedroom apartment with one of my best friends, but inside, something was still not right for me. I tried several medications that fall of 2000, but not much seemed to help.
Depression started to take it's suffocating hold on my life, and drag me down into the depths of despair. When I say I was depressed, and that this was a serious, painful, overwhelming force in my life, I am not exaggerating. I am not trying to make my story more interesting. I am telling the truth, and while I hesitate to tell the whole story, it does no one any good to keep it a secret. That year, probably in the late fall, I started down a path of personal destruction that would take hold for a number of years. In a moment of desperation, isolation, loneliness, and disregard for my personal preservation, I injured myself, intentionally, alone in my bathroom, while my roommate watched TV.
I was probably more suicidal than anything else, but my relationship with God prevented me from actually making any kind of plan to make an attempt at my own life. So I cut myself. I know, this is a little gruesome, and ridiculously personal, but what good has it done keeping it a secret? I was sad, I was sick, and for all its merits, the church was absolutely no help in this area. I was desperate to feel something, and having seen an episode on self injury on the show, ER, it seemed like the path of least resistance, which would validate how awful I was feeling on the inside.
I tell this part of my story not to get sympathy, but because if someone like me, who was raised in the church, and truly believed in the POWER of God, can experience this kind of desperation, anyone can. I knew the Lord, I knew, during those moments that he was broken over my actions, but I could not stop. More than that, I did not want to. And when I turned to my faith for help, I was told to pray. I am telling you right now, by the time you are cutting on yourself, prayer is not gonna be the cure-all. I needed a band of believers huddled around me, keeping me accountable. All I had was; "Pray about your depression and God will heal it." You know what? Sometimes people get diagnosed with cancer and God does not heal it.
Having been a Christian my whole life, all I knew about depression was that God, could heal it. That was not going to be enough for me. When I told other Christians about my sadness, they prayed for me, and told me to pray. You know what? Depression is sometimes bigger and uglier than any cancer. Sometimes it has a tighter grip than any tumor. If there is one thing I hope to convey in this blog, it is that the church needs to stop treating depression as a sin - and start treating it like the aggressive, violent and deadly illness it is.
I knew a young man in college. He loved the Lord. He was such a pillar of faith that he was chosen to be a symbol in our campus ministry for who Christ is. He attended church regularly, he did all the things a good Christian man is supposed to do. And then, one day, he threw himself in front of a train, and killed himself. When I heard that he had died, I was overwhelmed by the thought of how lonely and isolated he must have felt in those dark moments of his life. How desperate he must have been to have his faith help him and then feel like his prayers went unanswered. I was also overwhelmed by the fact that I knew exactly how he felt.
There is more to my story, and it will unfold in good time. I am pretty sure that is what this journey is all about.
L
Help For Self Injury
Friday, January 20, 2012
Testimony
God gives us a story.
He gives us experiences, moments, trials, triumphs, failures and successes so that we have a story to tell. We need to have a story, particularly as believers because people who like Jesus are interesting to people who don't know Jesus. No matter who you are or what you are doing in your life, I guarantee there is someone you know, who thinks that the fact that you believe in God, and salvation is kinda fascinating. Don't get me wrong, there are totally people in your life who could care less about your personal convictions and beliefs, but as Christians there are absolutely people who you know, who are watching what you do very carefully.Trust me on this. They can even smell it!
Through us, he brings knowledge of Christ. Everywhere we go, people breathe in the exquisite fragrance. Because of Christ, we give off a sweet scent rising to God, which is recognized by those on the way of salvation—an aroma redolent with life. 2 Corinthians 2:14-16 The Message
Since we have a Jesus musk, which draws people to us, God knows better than to leave us without something to say - hence, our story.
Like everyone, my story is complicated, long and not always perfect. My favorite part of my story, actually involves my whole family. When my dad received a job offer to work in Maryland, the timing was pretty perfect. He had been out of work, and my mom had recently decided to quit her job. So, I had two parents who were unemployed. It was a scary time, but what was awesome is that God started to draw my family closer to him. I mean we didn't have much else! So, we started to pray more, serve more, seek more. And then came the job in Maryland. My dad scoped out Frederick ahead of us, and did some reconnaissance on which schools were the best, and what church would meet our family's needs. He found us a new house in a great neighborhood, minutes away from a great church and a good school, and we made plans to move.
Upon getting to Frederick, we were staying in a hotel for a couple days while my parents finished the paperwork on the new home. And then the worst happened. There were problems with the real estate deal, and it was not going to work out for us to buy that home. It was a pretty intense moment for us, since we were not citizens, we didn't know anyone, and now we had no place to live. We spent 3 weeks in a hotel, trying to decide what to do. Pick a different house, or find a rental? We went out one evening and drove around Frederick looking for another place to live. The thing was, we didn't want to live anywhere else! We wanted our house, and we felt like that was the RIGHT house. So we drove to the home that my dad had first picked. It was brand new, and no one was living there, so, my dad pulled in the driveway, and we all got out. And then something extraordinary happened. We prayed together, in the driveway of that house, and asked God to do his will for our family. All four of us, holding hands in a little circle, in the shadow of that big, empty house, called out for an answer.
The next day, the realtor called, and told my parents that the deal was going to work out after all, and if we still wanted it, the house was ours.
That moment in my family's history was completely sublime. Following moving into that home (where they still live) God orchestrated a healing in our family that was long overdue. That moment brought restoration.
The reason our story is important is because there are people who think the Bible is crap. There are people - lots of 'em - who could care less about what some old guys wrote in a book a thousand years ago. They are often not particularly interested in churches, or pastors messages. You know what they are interested in? Our personal stories. The moments in our lives that don't have an Earthly explanation. They would much rather hear about what we have been through, over what Paul went through.
The story is not always a happy one.
My personal testimony as an adult, has a lot to do with my experience with depression, and trying to stay connected to my faith, when all I wanted to do was check out. After years of living with something as sucktastic as depression, I started to think I would never be free from it. I was wrong! God has brought restoration to my mind, but it took a REALLY long time!
I guess my point is, that you have a story, even if you are not quite sure how to tell it yet. You might even be in the middle of your story. Me? I feel like there will be more to tell. I think depression was really only the first part of my testimony, you have no idea how excited I am for this next part!
L
He gives us experiences, moments, trials, triumphs, failures and successes so that we have a story to tell. We need to have a story, particularly as believers because people who like Jesus are interesting to people who don't know Jesus. No matter who you are or what you are doing in your life, I guarantee there is someone you know, who thinks that the fact that you believe in God, and salvation is kinda fascinating. Don't get me wrong, there are totally people in your life who could care less about your personal convictions and beliefs, but as Christians there are absolutely people who you know, who are watching what you do very carefully.Trust me on this. They can even smell it!
Through us, he brings knowledge of Christ. Everywhere we go, people breathe in the exquisite fragrance. Because of Christ, we give off a sweet scent rising to God, which is recognized by those on the way of salvation—an aroma redolent with life. 2 Corinthians 2:14-16 The Message
Since we have a Jesus musk, which draws people to us, God knows better than to leave us without something to say - hence, our story.
Like everyone, my story is complicated, long and not always perfect. My favorite part of my story, actually involves my whole family. When my dad received a job offer to work in Maryland, the timing was pretty perfect. He had been out of work, and my mom had recently decided to quit her job. So, I had two parents who were unemployed. It was a scary time, but what was awesome is that God started to draw my family closer to him. I mean we didn't have much else! So, we started to pray more, serve more, seek more. And then came the job in Maryland. My dad scoped out Frederick ahead of us, and did some reconnaissance on which schools were the best, and what church would meet our family's needs. He found us a new house in a great neighborhood, minutes away from a great church and a good school, and we made plans to move.
Upon getting to Frederick, we were staying in a hotel for a couple days while my parents finished the paperwork on the new home. And then the worst happened. There were problems with the real estate deal, and it was not going to work out for us to buy that home. It was a pretty intense moment for us, since we were not citizens, we didn't know anyone, and now we had no place to live. We spent 3 weeks in a hotel, trying to decide what to do. Pick a different house, or find a rental? We went out one evening and drove around Frederick looking for another place to live. The thing was, we didn't want to live anywhere else! We wanted our house, and we felt like that was the RIGHT house. So we drove to the home that my dad had first picked. It was brand new, and no one was living there, so, my dad pulled in the driveway, and we all got out. And then something extraordinary happened. We prayed together, in the driveway of that house, and asked God to do his will for our family. All four of us, holding hands in a little circle, in the shadow of that big, empty house, called out for an answer.
The next day, the realtor called, and told my parents that the deal was going to work out after all, and if we still wanted it, the house was ours.
That moment in my family's history was completely sublime. Following moving into that home (where they still live) God orchestrated a healing in our family that was long overdue. That moment brought restoration.
The reason our story is important is because there are people who think the Bible is crap. There are people - lots of 'em - who could care less about what some old guys wrote in a book a thousand years ago. They are often not particularly interested in churches, or pastors messages. You know what they are interested in? Our personal stories. The moments in our lives that don't have an Earthly explanation. They would much rather hear about what we have been through, over what Paul went through.
The story is not always a happy one.
My personal testimony as an adult, has a lot to do with my experience with depression, and trying to stay connected to my faith, when all I wanted to do was check out. After years of living with something as sucktastic as depression, I started to think I would never be free from it. I was wrong! God has brought restoration to my mind, but it took a REALLY long time!
I guess my point is, that you have a story, even if you are not quite sure how to tell it yet. You might even be in the middle of your story. Me? I feel like there will be more to tell. I think depression was really only the first part of my testimony, you have no idea how excited I am for this next part!
L
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
My Christianity 101
For those of you who may read this and are not familiar with this whole Christianity thing, I will provide a brief review;
There are some basic principles which all Christians get in their official member guide when they decide Christianity seems pretty good and they want to be a part of it. One thing is that you have to ask Christ into your heart and accept Him as your Savior, (Romans 10:9) and then try really hard not to disappoint him, even though you are totally going to. I asked Christ to be my savior when I was at the tender age of 5, during Sunday school. The teacher described heaven, and then she described hell, and highlighted the fact that if you don't become a Christian it is brimstone for you. So, since I was 5, and hell did not seem like a good life outcome, I went ahead, raised my hand and prayed "The Sinner's Prayer." This moment in my history has led to an incredible journey, in which I have received ridiculous blessings, and some intense disappointments. (But more on that later).
So the thing about "getting saved" when you are 5, is that you have a pretty limited idea of what you are signing on for, and so, when you get a little older, and you have a better grasp on how super it is to have a relationship with God, a recommitment to the faith is generally a good idea. My recommitment came when I was 15 years old, in the midst of some of the toughest moments my family has ever experienced. God was carrying us through that incredibly tough time, and the whole notion of FAITH became a daily reality, and I knew I wanted to make a statement that for better or worse, this Christianity thing had become part of my identity. I was water-baptized that year, which opened the door for God to do some of his best work. (Again, more on that later).
Ok, so that's the "becoming" a Christian part. But of course there is so much more. There's the going to church thing, where you will be around other people who are as completely flawed as you are, but like group therapy, if you talk about it together, you grow, and maybe improve. So I have done the church thing most of my life. There were times when I was literally there whenever the doors were unlocked, and there have been times where church was just about punching my Sunday morning time card. In struggling with some massive depression, there were a bunch of years where I did not go to church at all. But even when I felt like I could not be around other Christians, and was really mad at God, the FAITH part of me stayed constant. I have never stopped believing, even though there were times when I thought it might be better to walk away. So yeah, church has not always been easy for me, but I have no doubt that God wants me to be a part of a fellowship of believers, no matter how irritated I am with not getting what I want.
Beyond church, there is lots of other stuff such as Bible study, worship, evangelism, prayer, and serving. Christianity kind of comes with a big "To Do List." But the thing that is remarkable, is that even when I am failing at all the items on that "To Do List" in a completely epic way, I don't ever feel completely alone.
"You're not alone. For I am here. Let me wipe away your every fear. My love, I've never left your side. I have seen you through the darkest night. And I'm the one who's loved you all your life." ~ Meredith Andrews, You're Not Alone
So, I became a Christian, then when I was a little older, I became a Christian again in front of a lot of people. I went to church, I read the Bible, I prayed, I sang, I served, I shared my faith with others. I was going to say that then it all stopped when I was depressed, but I realize now, that it never stopped. My journal entries from that time in my life reflect a young woman who was struggling with some ugly problems, and instead of ignoring God, kept the lines of communication open by yelling at him instead. I kept doing Christian things, even when my heart was totally not in it because Christianity is not a religion, it's a relationship, and I decided many years ago that I am in this for the long haul.
L
There are some basic principles which all Christians get in their official member guide when they decide Christianity seems pretty good and they want to be a part of it. One thing is that you have to ask Christ into your heart and accept Him as your Savior, (Romans 10:9) and then try really hard not to disappoint him, even though you are totally going to. I asked Christ to be my savior when I was at the tender age of 5, during Sunday school. The teacher described heaven, and then she described hell, and highlighted the fact that if you don't become a Christian it is brimstone for you. So, since I was 5, and hell did not seem like a good life outcome, I went ahead, raised my hand and prayed "The Sinner's Prayer." This moment in my history has led to an incredible journey, in which I have received ridiculous blessings, and some intense disappointments. (But more on that later).
So the thing about "getting saved" when you are 5, is that you have a pretty limited idea of what you are signing on for, and so, when you get a little older, and you have a better grasp on how super it is to have a relationship with God, a recommitment to the faith is generally a good idea. My recommitment came when I was 15 years old, in the midst of some of the toughest moments my family has ever experienced. God was carrying us through that incredibly tough time, and the whole notion of FAITH became a daily reality, and I knew I wanted to make a statement that for better or worse, this Christianity thing had become part of my identity. I was water-baptized that year, which opened the door for God to do some of his best work. (Again, more on that later).
Ok, so that's the "becoming" a Christian part. But of course there is so much more. There's the going to church thing, where you will be around other people who are as completely flawed as you are, but like group therapy, if you talk about it together, you grow, and maybe improve. So I have done the church thing most of my life. There were times when I was literally there whenever the doors were unlocked, and there have been times where church was just about punching my Sunday morning time card. In struggling with some massive depression, there were a bunch of years where I did not go to church at all. But even when I felt like I could not be around other Christians, and was really mad at God, the FAITH part of me stayed constant. I have never stopped believing, even though there were times when I thought it might be better to walk away. So yeah, church has not always been easy for me, but I have no doubt that God wants me to be a part of a fellowship of believers, no matter how irritated I am with not getting what I want.
Beyond church, there is lots of other stuff such as Bible study, worship, evangelism, prayer, and serving. Christianity kind of comes with a big "To Do List." But the thing that is remarkable, is that even when I am failing at all the items on that "To Do List" in a completely epic way, I don't ever feel completely alone.
"You're not alone. For I am here. Let me wipe away your every fear. My love, I've never left your side. I have seen you through the darkest night. And I'm the one who's loved you all your life." ~ Meredith Andrews, You're Not Alone
So, I became a Christian, then when I was a little older, I became a Christian again in front of a lot of people. I went to church, I read the Bible, I prayed, I sang, I served, I shared my faith with others. I was going to say that then it all stopped when I was depressed, but I realize now, that it never stopped. My journal entries from that time in my life reflect a young woman who was struggling with some ugly problems, and instead of ignoring God, kept the lines of communication open by yelling at him instead. I kept doing Christian things, even when my heart was totally not in it because Christianity is not a religion, it's a relationship, and I decided many years ago that I am in this for the long haul.
L
Monday, January 16, 2012
Revisiting the Past
Father,
You see where I am right now, literally and figuratively. Your hand is so strong in my life, this moment is beautiful. But I am scared about what lies ahead. I will be obedient to your direction, but I need you to first give it! I have spent too much time distracted by other things so I am not even worthy. But have mercy on me and restore my fellowship with you. Help me to hear your voice over the roar of the world. Place your blessing upon me and give the presence of mind to run with it. Let my prayers be marked by humbleness and driven by praise. Restore me Lord. Give me the strength to continue to move forward. Order my steps and my thoughts. May my obedience be rewarded by the revelation of your plan for my life, minute by minute. I'll need patience too, Lord. Help me every day to accept that your timing is not my timing and that my agenda is a moot point in light of your plans. I struggle Lord. I may struggle more as time goes on. Make me strong in the face of adversity. Renew me daily. Prepare me now for what lies ahead. I don't want to waiver anymore. Make me steadfast as you are steadfast. Open yourself to me, so I can see you more in everyday things. Expand my borders - challenge me so I will grow. Thank you for your sacrifice. Bring me back to you. Let your love wash over me. Begin to work now. ~ Amen
Journal Entry by me, November 3, 2003.
Following this journal entry, I quoted a lyric from my friend's band;
"Sometimes it really bothers me, how arrogant we can be. Talking about how we found God, as if He's been hiding." ~ Even Issac
I am starting a new blog. I am not sure what will come of it - which is of course what everyone says when they start writing a blog. I was bustling around my home tonight, cleaning things and desperately trying to downsize my stuff, because I just have too much! I have a drawer with old journals in it, and while my general policy is not to re-read journal entries since it tends to be painfully embarrassing. The one I opened tonight turns out to be perhaps the last journal about my faith that I ever wrote.
I was desperately trying to figure out who I was after graduating from Towson. I was significantly depressed, a depression that would last for the next seven years. My friendships were changing. I was trying to decide if I should go to grad school, and I felt ready to fall in love. It was literally a crossroads.
I think I am there again. There is a stirring within my heart, and I don't want to miss its meaning by not taking the time to explore it. God is not hiding, he has been here all along, and I have been missing it. So now, almost 10 years later, I am going to write again. I am going to put it all out there. I am going to review who I was, and what I have learned. I am going to open my heart again, and reach out to my Father for guidance.
So this is the beginning.
L
You see where I am right now, literally and figuratively. Your hand is so strong in my life, this moment is beautiful. But I am scared about what lies ahead. I will be obedient to your direction, but I need you to first give it! I have spent too much time distracted by other things so I am not even worthy. But have mercy on me and restore my fellowship with you. Help me to hear your voice over the roar of the world. Place your blessing upon me and give the presence of mind to run with it. Let my prayers be marked by humbleness and driven by praise. Restore me Lord. Give me the strength to continue to move forward. Order my steps and my thoughts. May my obedience be rewarded by the revelation of your plan for my life, minute by minute. I'll need patience too, Lord. Help me every day to accept that your timing is not my timing and that my agenda is a moot point in light of your plans. I struggle Lord. I may struggle more as time goes on. Make me strong in the face of adversity. Renew me daily. Prepare me now for what lies ahead. I don't want to waiver anymore. Make me steadfast as you are steadfast. Open yourself to me, so I can see you more in everyday things. Expand my borders - challenge me so I will grow. Thank you for your sacrifice. Bring me back to you. Let your love wash over me. Begin to work now. ~ Amen
Journal Entry by me, November 3, 2003.
Following this journal entry, I quoted a lyric from my friend's band;
"Sometimes it really bothers me, how arrogant we can be. Talking about how we found God, as if He's been hiding." ~ Even Issac
I am starting a new blog. I am not sure what will come of it - which is of course what everyone says when they start writing a blog. I was bustling around my home tonight, cleaning things and desperately trying to downsize my stuff, because I just have too much! I have a drawer with old journals in it, and while my general policy is not to re-read journal entries since it tends to be painfully embarrassing. The one I opened tonight turns out to be perhaps the last journal about my faith that I ever wrote.
I was desperately trying to figure out who I was after graduating from Towson. I was significantly depressed, a depression that would last for the next seven years. My friendships were changing. I was trying to decide if I should go to grad school, and I felt ready to fall in love. It was literally a crossroads.
I think I am there again. There is a stirring within my heart, and I don't want to miss its meaning by not taking the time to explore it. God is not hiding, he has been here all along, and I have been missing it. So now, almost 10 years later, I am going to write again. I am going to put it all out there. I am going to review who I was, and what I have learned. I am going to open my heart again, and reach out to my Father for guidance.
So this is the beginning.
L
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