Dreams

If you were a little girl once; do you remember when you were little, and you dreamt about getting married and having babies? In my girlie childhood, I spent quite a bit of time planning this future for myself. I decided I would marry an architect when I was about 22, and I would have two children, because everything in the world is designed for a family of four. I would want girls (mostly because when you are a girl yourself, you can't imagine having to spend too much time with a little boy) and we would build a lovely house (that me and my architect husband designed) and live happily ever after.
Of course, these are childhood dreams, but even at a young age when you are busy making lofty plans for yourself, you have the sensibility that not everything will turn out as you plan - you may, for instance have to settle for a doctor instead of an architect. But we can hardly imagine how our futures will really unfold.

The dream is actually quite simple, and one that has been repeated over and over through history. Grow up, get an education, find a partner, get married, have children. Such a simple formula! I was perfectly right to spend hours dreaming of this outcome for my life because how could it possibly unfold any differently?

By the time I started college, I felt like I was well on my way to having all my childhood dreams fulfilled. I was still at a stage in my history where I had "Kissed Dating Goodbye" but I knew there were opportunities to build friendships with men all over the place. I was on track with my relationship with God; fervently sticking to my convictions, praying for purity of heart and mind, and avoiding temptation. My journal entries from this time in my life are packed with prayers for God to help me resist sin, in action and mind. I even admonished others to follow my example. (Which was no doubt incredibly annoying to my friends..) I met a few men my freshman year of college who I was instantly convinced would all make suitable "happily ever after" candidates. Mighty men of God, who were smart, kind, funny and attractive. I was endlessly optimistic about my prospects.

But then my world started to shift. I can't quite pinpoint when, but things started to change for me, and by sophomore year I was still delighted by the men in my world, but there was one in particular who I was convinced was my "happily ever after guy". So convinced, in fact that I stopped looking for anyone else. It is worth mentioning that this person was not exactly on board with my happily ever after plans. In fact, we often spent time talking about other women he was interested in.

Here is where things kind of went into a tailspin for me. I was like a kid who only wants to use the color red over and over again, when in fact there are lots of other amazing colors available. As much as my friends, and my parents tried to convince me to try another color, I was convinced the only one worth spending my time on was the color red. I had tunnel vision, and could not see beyond what was right in front of me.

You know what happens when you spend too much time on something that is leading down a dead end? You get discouraged. You get hurt. You get angry. I started to spend a lot of time with those emotions. In fact they flooded my heart and mind. I was mad at this man, I was mad at God, I was mad at myself. But I just couldn't stop. And then, depression started to creep in. But even then, I could not walk away, I held on for dear life and prayed it would work out.

It wasn't going to work out, but I would not know that for another year and a half. Yep, that's right. I spent three years just coloring with red, stubbornly refusing to consider any other color, even when sticking with the red one was hurting me. Three years. Even now when I think about it, I am overwhelmed by how much time that is, and how little I have to show for it. I believe God has a plan, and I am sure that part of his plan was for me to spend time with the color red, but I don't think he was planning for me to commit three years to it.

Allow me to be clear. I am not blaming this man at all. He tried a dozen ways to communicate that he was not interested in me the way I was in him. I just chose to ignore it. And I believe we both got something from our friendship. I am absolutely certain it was his words that helped me stay out of the hospital when I was at my emotional rock bottom. Our time together was not a waste, but it did not produce much fruit either.

Luke 13:6-7
Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’

I find it quite fitting that the man had been waiting for three years. After three years of little to no fruit, I cut the tree down. I ended my connection with the color red, and started to work on moving on. By this time I was almost done college, but also just trying to stay alive. Healing would not come for some time.

There are a few chapters to understanding how I got to where I am today, as a 30 year old single girl. There have been more tears cried, more personal pain, more anger with God than most people know. I had a pretty simple plan for a happy ending when I was a child. And when I was 16 I started to spiritually commit to that plan, with a feeling of assurance that my obedience would be rewarded. I started to guide my thoughts and actions toward allowing myself to be open to God's plan - my dreams come true.

I have been known to say that if you told 16 year old Lindsay that at age 30 I will still be single, 16 year old Lindsay would not even know how to move forward. Perhaps there is some wisdom to God's plan after all... If I had known then that I would have to wait for so long without my happy ending, my story would most certainly be different. Perhaps much darker. God took a chance with this particular plan though, since being single through my 20's was incredibly lonely, and a much more difficult path than I was counting on.

1 Corinthians 10:13 The Message
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.
God's word is true. I was pushed to my limit, but not past it. I have been on the edge many times, but He has continued to help me come through it. His plan for me was certainly outside what I had been dreaming of. And I am guilty of thinking God let me down, but it has been in my human weakness that I have felt that way; my God has never left me, and He HAS NOT let me down.

So what I am working on now is reflecting on the past, but not being overcome by it. My history is important, it has become a part of me, but the future is HIS alone. When I wrote about God's will, I spent no less than 2 hours researching how to know God's will. It's not so easy to figure it out. The only thing I am clear on is that we need to look to HIM. So that I what I am trying to do. I have spent years wrapped up in my own stuff, and since God has been so merciful as to bring me restoration, I refuse to squander it on old habits. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will look to Him.

Ephesians 3:21-22a
God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

L
Blessings by Laura Story