Revisiting the Past

Father,

You see where I am right now, literally and figuratively. Your hand is so strong in my life, this moment is beautiful. But I am scared about what lies ahead. I will be obedient to your direction, but I need you to first give it! I have spent too much time distracted by other things so I am not even worthy. But have mercy on me and restore my fellowship with you. Help me to hear your voice over the roar of the world. Place your blessing upon me and give the presence of mind to run with it. Let my prayers be marked by humbleness and driven by praise. Restore me Lord. Give me the strength to continue to move forward. Order my steps and my thoughts. May my obedience be rewarded by the revelation of your plan for my life, minute by minute. I'll need patience too, Lord. Help me every day to accept that your timing is not my timing and that my agenda is a moot point in light of your plans. I struggle Lord. I may struggle more as time goes on. Make me strong in the face of adversity. Renew me daily. Prepare me now for what lies ahead. I don't want to waiver anymore. Make me steadfast as you are steadfast. Open yourself to me, so I can see you more in everyday things. Expand my borders - challenge me so I will grow. Thank you for your sacrifice. Bring me back to you. Let your love wash over me. Begin to work now. ~ Amen

Journal Entry by me, November 3, 2003.

Following this journal entry, I quoted a lyric from my friend's band;
"Sometimes it really bothers me, how arrogant we can be. Talking about how we found God, as if He's been hiding." ~ Even Issac

I am starting a new blog. I am not sure what will come of it - which is of course what everyone says when they start writing a blog. I was bustling around my home tonight, cleaning things and desperately trying to downsize my stuff, because I just have too much! I have a drawer with old journals in it, and while my general policy is not to re-read journal entries since it tends to be painfully embarrassing. The one I opened tonight turns out to be perhaps the last journal about my faith that I ever wrote.

I was desperately trying to figure out who I was after graduating from Towson. I was significantly depressed, a depression that would last for the next seven years. My friendships were changing. I was trying to decide if I should go to grad school, and I felt ready to fall in love. It was literally a crossroads.

I think I am there again. There is a stirring within my heart, and I don't want to miss its meaning by not taking the time to explore it. God is not hiding, he has been here all along, and I have been missing it. So now, almost 10 years later, I am going to write again. I am going to put it all out there. I am going to review who I was, and what I have learned. I am going to open my heart again, and reach out to my Father for guidance.

So this is the beginning.
L