While I'm Waiting

So we know how 16 year old Lindsay would react to still being single, but the big question is how does 30 year old Lindsay feel about it. Well, I have my good days (which have been a little more frequent lately) and my bad days, which have pretty much ruled my time in the last 5 years.

It is very hard being single! I have had a couple instances where I returned to being with a man that I already know is not "the one" simply because it is nice to not be alone. Some people are perplexed why I would "waste" my time on a relationship that I know is not right. Those people don't know what it is like to be alone. I'm not trying for a pity party here - "Oh Lindsay, she's so sad and all alone." I am just trying to tell it like it is. When I struggle with stuff, I am on my own. When I have a craptastic day, I don't have anyone to talk to (except my patient mother). When I have to make tough decisions there is no one to weigh them with. I know marriage is hard, I am certain of it. I know that being part of a duo is not always great. But I also know being alone is harder.

1 Corinthians 7:8 The Message
I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.

Dude! Paul speaks the truth on this one! I have given singleness a shot, I have spent years perfecting it, and you know what? It is NOT for me. Of course, if you keep reading the chapter, Paul expands on his views of marriage:

1 Corinthians 7:32-35 The Message
I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.

Drat! So all this time, when I was all kinds of fixated on how much it sucks to be single, I was supposed to use that time to concentrate on God? Yeah, I have not exactly done that. Apparently all this time I have been "free" but I have let my displeasure with God's timing wrap me up in chains. I let that displeasure (let's just call it anger) be a major distraction for me.

So now what?

The thing is, for all the time I have spent being angry at God, and crying about being single, I truly believe I have been growing. In my humanness, I still wish God would bring someone into my life on my timetable, but in my spirit, I know that God has his reasons for what I perceive to be Him holding out on me. I once said to my dad, that even if God brought someone into my life in this moment, and I could live "happily ever after"  I would still be mad at Him for making me wait so long. I really wish that wasn't true, but it is. So that is what I am working on - having peace about God's plans for me. It's probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, is to let go of that anger about my perceived injustice in God's timing. Am I alone here? Have you ever thought that God was being unfair, or holding out on you? What is the thing that you got mad at God for?

I also have these moments when I feel like such a dummy for being so mad at God about something that is obviously not the only important thing in life.

"Can you worship a God who isn't obligated to explain His actions to you? Could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation?" ~ Francis Chan

For too many years I have been thinking that God owes me an explanation. In fact I became so mad at Him, I knew I would demand an explanation even if I got what I wanted. It has taken far too long to move beyond that arrogance and start to channel my energy towards being obedient, and accepting that God doesn't answer to me. I am to answer to Him.

I'm not good at letting other people have control. No, really, I suck at it. So when it comes to letting an abstract force have control, I generally let God have the reigns for all of 2 seconds before I decide He is not doing it right, or He must need my help. I am one of those people who takes it to the altar, and then after I have prayed, I go ahead and pick it back up again. God's busy, I can manage this myself. But can I really?

Psalm 37:4-8 New Living Translation
Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit everything you do to the LORD.
Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
Be still in the presence of the LORD,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.
Stop being angry!
Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper—
it only leads to harm.
The Word is pretty clear. Delight in who God is, have some peace and listen to Him, and above all, stop being mad, get over your issue because it's just going to destroy you, and the promise is that God will meet your need.

It is hard to believe, and it is even harder to practice. But I am trying. I am looking to Him, and trying. I may have wasted time not seeking Him first in my singleness, but that only made my sadness and restlessness worse. It's time to change my game plan. It's absolutely time to commit to serving him while I wait.

While I'm Waiting - John Waller

L