Beauty From Pain

So yesterday I took a big risk, and documented something highly personal. When I woke up this morning, I kept wondering if I had made a mistake by telling my secret and started to second guess putting my true story out there. But those who are reading this blog have been incredibly supportive, and compassionate, which I am so thankful for! So the journey continues.

I think something that is worth conveying is that during the dark moments in my history, as much as I needed support, I had absolutely no ability to really accept it. Not only that, I am a really good liar. So if you asked me how I was, I would tell you I was feeling fine. Even when people who knew about my depression asked me how I was, I always downplayed it. When you are keeping a secret this big, you learn to lie straight to a person's face without a second thought. Particularly when good things were happening:

(Journal Entry)
December 2004
Got into graduate school - Dec 12
Went to Canada - Dec 16
Celebrated Christmas - Dec 24
Cut - Dec 27

But despite my ability to lie, and fake it for certain circumstances, even in the midst of darkness, there was one constant. It was that as many times as I felt alone, God stayed with me, even when I tried to shoo him away. I was making so many mistakes, it seemed ridiculous that God would want anything to do with me. Over and over in my old journal entries there is this pattern of my self-destructive thoughts and actions, and my desperate cry for help from God. One night, I wrote out this passage from Romans:

Romans 7:17-24 The Message

I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
I think what may have been the hardest part for me was that in the two years before I went to college, I was having an absolute blast being a powerhouse for God. I was going to church, and I was leading a school Bible study that met 5 days a week! I was sharing the gospel in class, and inviting people to come check out my youth group. I was singing in church, and worshipping at the altar, seeking more. And it was all real! That intensity, that passion, it was 100 percent legitimate. I felt the Holy Spirit inside and out. I wept over the lost, I prayed for hours alone in my room, I fervently ready the Word, and I wrote about the incredible things God was doing in my life. My heart was overflowing with love for the Lord.

When you have that kind of intense, real and personal relationship with God, it is better than any drug, and just as addictive. I started college, determined to continue the high. But college is completely different from high school, and while I stayed true to my values and beliefs, it started to feel like college had knocked the wind out of my sails. Most people find themselves in college, I sort of lost myself.

I have to say, that I have no idea why God took me down the path that he did. I do not know why he allowed me to be afflicted by depression, and why he allowed it to have a hold on me for so long. I do KNOW that he has a plan, even when I think he is totally making a mistake.

Jeremiah 29:11 The Message
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

There is a reason Christians cling to this verse for dear life. Because just about everything in life is unpredictable, and it is pretty hard to believe there is a plan sometimes. Not only that, we tend to figure that God has other things to think about besides whether or not we are sad, or hurt, or lost. The fact that our God would make a promise like this, brings incredible comfort, even when we don't fully trust that promise. I was sure I would never be free from depression. I never thought I would get to the other side of it, and to be completely honest, I am not quite sure what the catalyst for recovery actually was. I just know that without a doubt, He has made Beauty From Ashes.

Beauty From Pain

L