You know, it probably goes without saying, but life is tricky. And being a Christian does not always make it easier.
Recently, I have found myself trying very hard to understand God's will, his plan, his purpose. And since I'm not God, and He is irritatingly silent in revealing his plans on my schedule, I have also found myself feeling as though I must be the problem.
I mean, if we believe in a God who is able to do immeasurably MORE than all we ask, but then he doesn't do more, and sometimes seems to do practically nothing, how do we reconcile the reasons that God seems silent?
It must be me.
It must be that I am not prayerful enough, that I am not humble enough, that I don't speak His name enough, that I don't go to church enough, or that I don't read the Word enough. We know that we should do these good Christian things, but we're human and therefore hopelessly inadequate at doing all the things that we believe God would want from us before he can pour out his blessings. We come to God, and we ASK for great things, but quite frankly, we know we're not worthy, so when our heavenly Santa Claus puts us on the "Naughty List" we are not all that surprised. We're not happy about it, but we make our peace with disappointment because we must not be "doing" enough to earn God's favor.
But that's the point. We are NOT WORTHY! But that's not news to God. It has always been his plan for us to be unable to attain favor through any other means than by receiving his love and mercy.
Galatians 3
2-4 Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God’s Message to you? Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren’t smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it?
When we became believers we didn't do so by working for it, we became believers simply by accepting what God wanted to give. So why then, as we mature as Christians do we forget that we were always meant to receive, and that our works will not determine whether or not we get what we want. That while we may mean well with our adherence to a bunch of religious rules this legalism is not likely to result in our desired outcome.
We may think we know better. We think "Ok God, I want something, but I know I'm not actually worthy of your blessings so I am going to contribute to this equation to help you out. I'm going to pray every day to show you that I'm helping. You know; Jesus, plus me, equals success!"
Yeah, about that... it just doesn't work that way.
9-10 So those now who live by faith are blessed along with Abraham, who lived by faith—this is no new doctrine! And that means that anyone who tries to live by his own effort, independent of God, is doomed to failure.
We will fail if we rely on legalism or moralist rules. WE CAN'T EARN HIS FAVOR - we already have it! There is nothing wrong with praying, reading the Word, going to church, those are wonderful things, but they are a product of God's presence in our life, not something that will help God bless us.
11-12 The obvious impossibility of carrying out such a moral program should make it plain that no one can sustain a relationship with God that way. The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him. Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you.
Just like when we first accepted Christ into our lives, we EMBRACED what God had for us, offered no promises, no works, no rule-keeping; we just received. We were good with whatever God had for us, and that deepened our faith in Him. "Hey God, I'm pretty much a mess. I'm not gonna be able to do this alone. I need you in my life, forever. Can you please help me out?" We brought nothing but a little bit of faith to the equation of salvation but oh, how we received!
13 Christ redeemed us from that self-defeating, cursed life by absorbing it completely into himself.
21-22 If such is the case, is the law, then, an anti-promise, a negation of God’s will for us? Not at all. Its purpose was to make obvious to everyone that we are, in ourselves, out of right relationship with God, and therefore to show us the futility of devising some religious system for getting by our own efforts what we can only get by waiting in faith for God to complete his promise. For if any kind of rule-keeping had power to create life in us, we would certainly have gotten it by this time.
If rule-keeping made us better Christians, if it deepened our faith, or somehow helped God do his work, then we would have figured out the perfect plan for getting what we want from God every time.
We can't do it. I can't do it. I can't "help" God get me what I want. I am called to receive what is given when it is given. And as I receive, then will I pray. Then will I serve, because in receiving, we are reminded that we are REDEEMED, that we have been made whole and perfect by his love.
We don't earn it, we can't make it happen.
God called me to try yet another new church this weekend, even though I have been exhausted by the search for a church home. I have been discouraged. I have been mad. I have been blaming myself for not being a good enough Christian to have found a church home by now. And I have been thinking that the reason I'm not getting what I want when I pray is maybe because I am not "trying hard enough" to follow the rules; Pray. Read the Bible. Go to Church. I have told myself that God is being silent because I am not good enough.
This weekend, at a new church, the pastor spoke about this very topic. I was reminded that none of us are good enough. We don't earn salvation. We don't earn favor. We can't work towards blessings. We receive His love as we did on Day One of our new lives, and then miraculously, wonderfully God responds. He is always calling us to just receive, and in receiving then and only then will we enter the fullness of his plan for us.
"Jesus, plus Nothing, equals Everything."
- L
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Good Life
I am holding on to this song tonight.
It has been a tough few weeks for myself and my family.
As we finished celebrating Christmas, and I steadied myself for another handful of days of work before the New Year, my mom sent me a worrisome, but hopeful text:
"Grandma is in the hospital with a respiratory issue, but she should be home in a few days."
I wasn't worried. Grandma had several medical incidents over the last two years. She is a fiece and resilient lady who survived the atrocities of World War II. She ccould certainly overcome a little shortness of breath.
While I was at work the next day, I received a phone call from a close friend of my grandparents. I was standing outside the room of a woman who was actively dying, and I was preparing to go into the room to console and support her overwhelmed daughter. But when I received three missed calls from Ontario, it occurred to me that it was me, who may need support. I was then informed that my Grandmother was on a ventilator, and that her prognosis was poor. Despite the agony of saying goodbye, my Grandpa would allow them to remove the vent in the next 48 hours so that my Grandmother could pass away peacefully, with dignity. The call was to provide an update and urge me to visit now if I wanted to say goodbye.
I didn't cry.
I couldn't cry while I was literally standing in the midst of those very same decisions happening all around me. I am supposed to be able to deal with hard choices, loss, grief and bereavement. I'm the one who can help guide others with those mess emotions. There is no space for me to feel those feelings here.
In the following two days, Grandma rallied (she's got what she calls "tough East Prussian blood" in her.) And while she did come off the vent, she was now trapped on Bilevel Positive Airway Pressure or BiPap, which is a rather uncomfortable full face mask that pushes air to your mouth and nose. I say "trapped" because it is almost impossible to talk with air pushing at your face, and you can't really eat with it either. With the BiPap in place, she was awake but not particularly comfortable.
And I couldn't see her. I couldn't talk to her. I couldn't ask the doctors the millions of questions on my mind. I was over 500 miles away from her side and I couldn't do anything except wait.
I stink at waiting.
I was overwhelmed, anxious, moody, grouchy and completely on edge. Never knowing when the phone would ring. Wondering if I would get bad news, and then quickly have to coordinate an impromptu trip to Ontario... in JANUARY, when it SNOWS. Wishing I could hold her hand and offer her words of comfort that I am able to freely give to so many of my patients and their families. Feeling profoundly helpless. Feeling angry that I couldn't control any part of what was happening. Worrying that she was suffering.
I almost came unglued in those two weeks of uncertainty. All that I have done to break through old patterns of coping with anxiety and sadness, this was a grueling test of my own resiliency. I'd love to say I took it in stride, called out to God for help, and laid my worries at his feet... I mean, that's what I'm supposed to be able to say, because I'm a Christian, (and a professional therapist) and I KNOW what I'm supposed to do in a crisis. I admit, I forgot that when we suffer, we are NOT ALONE, and our Father is waiting for us to call out to Him.
Psalm 34:17-18 (The Message)
Is anyone crying for help? God is listening,ready to rescue you.
If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.
On Sunday, January 9th I was laying low, worried, and not wanting to do much of anything. So I decided to watch our small collection of home movies. There are just a few, from a handful of years when my Grandpa had a camcorder and they were exclusively shots with my Grandma & Grandpa, my parents and my sister. But every one of those videos is this precious time capsule, that captured my family for a moment in time. So that, by the time I finished all the videos, I felt like I had spent the day with my family; and with my Grandma. And as the last video ended and I wondered what to watch next, the phone rang...
She died that evening, peacefully on January 9th, 2016 just three days shy of her 90th birthday.
I was honored to be asked by my Grandpa to deliver a eulogy for my Grandma:
I am honored to stand here today as we say goodbye to my wonderful Grandma, Ursula Irma Krakau Frisch.
In the days since Grandma stepped into the beautiful beyond I find myself hearing her words in my head. Her constant insights and advice to me through the years:
“Just Live Your Life Lindsay”
“Don’t rush it.”
“Enjoy being young.”
“You’ve got a good life.”
My Grandmother’s early life was not particularly easy or enjoyable. In fact there were parts of it that were profoundly hard. She lived through World War II, and saw her mother die and her father be forever changed by war. She and her sister, Kika escaped to West Germany and survived by good fortune and what she has always referred to as “Strong East Prussian blood”. She found a new future in Canada and started building a new life. But then endured a broken marriage and divorce before her beloved son, Victor was even two years old.
But through these trials, she developed remarkable resiliency. She learned how to be an incredible single mom with tenacity and grace in a time where she had very few peers to help guide her. She worked, she paid bills, she advocated for herself. She balanced work and motherhood and even figured out how to make sure she had fashionable clothes season to season. She was creative, persistent and unwavering her fight for a happy ending. And when she was ready, she opened her heart and let love come to her. She rebuilt herself a family when she said “yes” to spending the rest of her life with my Grandfather, Reiner.
As Grandma’s family grew, the addition of grandchildren to her life seems to have been quite possibly one of her greatest joys (if I do say so myself!)
She has loved my sister, Erin and I abundantly. She showered us with hugs, kisses, and gifts. She rarely said “no” and indulged our wild imaginations, wishes and games. She instituted a family rule “That when one has a birthday the other gets something too” Forever ensuring that celebrating your sister’s birthday wasn’t so bad and can even be fun, when there’s something in it for you! From encouraging our ginger ale & pound cake tea parties to supplying a basket full of chocolates and an unearned $5 “allowance” at every visit, to donating carrots for our defective rabbit-traps – she embraced the endearing chaos of two rambunctious grandchildren.
On the day that she died, I had decided to watch our small collection of family movies. I watched her laugh, fuss over dinner, share hugs with her family, give gifts, worry that the size of the Christmas sweater was right, and genuinely delight in the marvelous family she helped create. In one moment, in giving a card to my sister on her 10th birthday I heard her say (off camera since she preferred not to be filmed if possible!)
“From all our hearts, Erin that your future is nothing but bright.”
It never occurred to her that we couldn’t attain exactly what we set out to have. She believed in a magical future for all of us. A future unburdened by war, death, despair, divorce, and uncertainty; she knew the secret that I am only now uncovering – when we cherish what we have, we can have it ALL.
She wanted us to find the joy the way she had; even if it takes tremendous work. She wanted us to live in such a way that we savored the beauty of each moment, so that maybe, just maybe we could slow down time, and just rest in the safety and peace of something happy. Because being happy is precious indeed.
As we reflect on all Grandma shared with and taught us, and as we say goodbye, I am so thankful that I was able to introduce her to my husband, Aaron. That she was able to see that I am on my way to the big, bright, stunning life I know she believed I would have.
I am profoundly grateful to have been her granddaughter and to have her wise and loving words; “You have a Good Life” written on my heart.
L
My Help is from You
It has been a tough few weeks for myself and my family.
As we finished celebrating Christmas, and I steadied myself for another handful of days of work before the New Year, my mom sent me a worrisome, but hopeful text:
"Grandma is in the hospital with a respiratory issue, but she should be home in a few days."
I wasn't worried. Grandma had several medical incidents over the last two years. She is a fiece and resilient lady who survived the atrocities of World War II. She ccould certainly overcome a little shortness of breath.
While I was at work the next day, I received a phone call from a close friend of my grandparents. I was standing outside the room of a woman who was actively dying, and I was preparing to go into the room to console and support her overwhelmed daughter. But when I received three missed calls from Ontario, it occurred to me that it was me, who may need support. I was then informed that my Grandmother was on a ventilator, and that her prognosis was poor. Despite the agony of saying goodbye, my Grandpa would allow them to remove the vent in the next 48 hours so that my Grandmother could pass away peacefully, with dignity. The call was to provide an update and urge me to visit now if I wanted to say goodbye.
I didn't cry.
I couldn't cry while I was literally standing in the midst of those very same decisions happening all around me. I am supposed to be able to deal with hard choices, loss, grief and bereavement. I'm the one who can help guide others with those mess emotions. There is no space for me to feel those feelings here.
In the following two days, Grandma rallied (she's got what she calls "tough East Prussian blood" in her.) And while she did come off the vent, she was now trapped on Bilevel Positive Airway Pressure or BiPap, which is a rather uncomfortable full face mask that pushes air to your mouth and nose. I say "trapped" because it is almost impossible to talk with air pushing at your face, and you can't really eat with it either. With the BiPap in place, she was awake but not particularly comfortable.
And I couldn't see her. I couldn't talk to her. I couldn't ask the doctors the millions of questions on my mind. I was over 500 miles away from her side and I couldn't do anything except wait.
I stink at waiting.
I was overwhelmed, anxious, moody, grouchy and completely on edge. Never knowing when the phone would ring. Wondering if I would get bad news, and then quickly have to coordinate an impromptu trip to Ontario... in JANUARY, when it SNOWS. Wishing I could hold her hand and offer her words of comfort that I am able to freely give to so many of my patients and their families. Feeling profoundly helpless. Feeling angry that I couldn't control any part of what was happening. Worrying that she was suffering.
I almost came unglued in those two weeks of uncertainty. All that I have done to break through old patterns of coping with anxiety and sadness, this was a grueling test of my own resiliency. I'd love to say I took it in stride, called out to God for help, and laid my worries at his feet... I mean, that's what I'm supposed to be able to say, because I'm a Christian, (and a professional therapist) and I KNOW what I'm supposed to do in a crisis. I admit, I forgot that when we suffer, we are NOT ALONE, and our Father is waiting for us to call out to Him.
Psalm 34:17-18 (The Message)
Is anyone crying for help? God is listening,ready to rescue you.
If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.
On Sunday, January 9th I was laying low, worried, and not wanting to do much of anything. So I decided to watch our small collection of home movies. There are just a few, from a handful of years when my Grandpa had a camcorder and they were exclusively shots with my Grandma & Grandpa, my parents and my sister. But every one of those videos is this precious time capsule, that captured my family for a moment in time. So that, by the time I finished all the videos, I felt like I had spent the day with my family; and with my Grandma. And as the last video ended and I wondered what to watch next, the phone rang...
She died that evening, peacefully on January 9th, 2016 just three days shy of her 90th birthday.
I was honored to be asked by my Grandpa to deliver a eulogy for my Grandma:
I am honored to stand here today as we say goodbye to my wonderful Grandma, Ursula Irma Krakau Frisch.
In the days since Grandma stepped into the beautiful beyond I find myself hearing her words in my head. Her constant insights and advice to me through the years:
“Just Live Your Life Lindsay”
“Don’t rush it.”
“Enjoy being young.”
“You’ve got a good life.”
My Grandmother’s early life was not particularly easy or enjoyable. In fact there were parts of it that were profoundly hard. She lived through World War II, and saw her mother die and her father be forever changed by war. She and her sister, Kika escaped to West Germany and survived by good fortune and what she has always referred to as “Strong East Prussian blood”. She found a new future in Canada and started building a new life. But then endured a broken marriage and divorce before her beloved son, Victor was even two years old.
But through these trials, she developed remarkable resiliency. She learned how to be an incredible single mom with tenacity and grace in a time where she had very few peers to help guide her. She worked, she paid bills, she advocated for herself. She balanced work and motherhood and even figured out how to make sure she had fashionable clothes season to season. She was creative, persistent and unwavering her fight for a happy ending. And when she was ready, she opened her heart and let love come to her. She rebuilt herself a family when she said “yes” to spending the rest of her life with my Grandfather, Reiner.
As Grandma’s family grew, the addition of grandchildren to her life seems to have been quite possibly one of her greatest joys (if I do say so myself!)
She has loved my sister, Erin and I abundantly. She showered us with hugs, kisses, and gifts. She rarely said “no” and indulged our wild imaginations, wishes and games. She instituted a family rule “That when one has a birthday the other gets something too” Forever ensuring that celebrating your sister’s birthday wasn’t so bad and can even be fun, when there’s something in it for you! From encouraging our ginger ale & pound cake tea parties to supplying a basket full of chocolates and an unearned $5 “allowance” at every visit, to donating carrots for our defective rabbit-traps – she embraced the endearing chaos of two rambunctious grandchildren.
On the day that she died, I had decided to watch our small collection of family movies. I watched her laugh, fuss over dinner, share hugs with her family, give gifts, worry that the size of the Christmas sweater was right, and genuinely delight in the marvelous family she helped create. In one moment, in giving a card to my sister on her 10th birthday I heard her say (off camera since she preferred not to be filmed if possible!)
“From all our hearts, Erin that your future is nothing but bright.”
It never occurred to her that we couldn’t attain exactly what we set out to have. She believed in a magical future for all of us. A future unburdened by war, death, despair, divorce, and uncertainty; she knew the secret that I am only now uncovering – when we cherish what we have, we can have it ALL.
She wanted us to find the joy the way she had; even if it takes tremendous work. She wanted us to live in such a way that we savored the beauty of each moment, so that maybe, just maybe we could slow down time, and just rest in the safety and peace of something happy. Because being happy is precious indeed.
As we reflect on all Grandma shared with and taught us, and as we say goodbye, I am so thankful that I was able to introduce her to my husband, Aaron. That she was able to see that I am on my way to the big, bright, stunning life I know she believed I would have.
I am profoundly grateful to have been her granddaughter and to have her wise and loving words; “You have a Good Life” written on my heart.
L
My Help is from You
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Holy Spirit
So. Christians sometimes process the world a little differently than the general public.
I say this, because what I want to talk about may be foreign to folks who are not familiar with, or big believers in, the concept of the Holy Spirit. Most everyone will accept the idea that we, as humans are spiritual beings, searching for purpose and meaning from internal and external sources. But not everyone understands this business of the Holy Spirit (or Holy Ghost as folks used to call it before we all started to feel a little uncomfortable with referring to God as a "Ghost" on par with the likes of Casper, the friendly...)
When born-again Christians talk about the Holy Spirit, they are referring to an aspect of the Trinity. The Holy Spirit is the third piece of a simple, and yet complex holy power-sqaud that makes up our spiritual Avengers team. This dream team is comprised of Father God, creator of the Earth and the Heavens. He was the one sitting up in the Heavens, before there was anything else, who decided to take on one, massive endeavor, and build a universe including the likes of man and woman. Part two of the spiritual God-squad is The son of God, Jesus Christ who was our Father God in the flesh. Jesus was the method by which God descended from his heavenly throne, to walk the Earth with the people he created, and free his people from their slavery and sin by dying in the most brutal and sacrificial way imaginable. The Holy Spirit basically becomes the method by which we connect to Father God and our Savior, the Son of God. The Holy Spirit is the way by which God communicates with us. I tend to think of Him as the Still Small Voice, the Guidepost, the Communicator. And in a delightful acknowledgement of God leading his people to Him, Christianity is not the only religion that acknowledges the Holy Spirit; Judaism, Islam and even Baha'i Faith acknowledge the Holy Spirit, (though not all buy into the concept of the Trinity).
For Christians, Jesus addressed the role of The Holy Spirit by identifying him as a friend:
John 14:15-17 (The Message)
“If you love me, show it by doing what I’ve told you. I will talk to the Father, and he’ll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you. This Friend is the Spirit of Truth. The godless world can’t take him in because it doesn’t have eyes to see him, doesn’t know what to look for. But you know him already because he has been staying with you, and will even be in you!
So the Holy Spirit is IN us!
We are absolutely not alone. I feel pretty lucky that in my life, I have literally been able to witness the Holy Spirit at work in a tangible, visual way. But if you have ever felt a path, a plan, or reassurance of a choice brewing within you, and a wisdom beyond your own, chances are you have felt the work of the Holy Spirit.
I set the stage, and described (to the best of my humble ability) some identifiers of the Holy Spirit because it can be complicated to understand. But in MY life, I have personally felt the Spirit work. There is FRUIT in my life brought forth by communication with the Holy Spirit. I have been led to victory and protected from harm. I have felt a wisdom far beyond my humanness and had the fortune of making choices based on more than just a gut-check, but a conversation with my Spiritual compass.
So why all this emphasis on the Holy Spirit? Well, I happen to think that the Christian communion with the Holy Spirit makes us a pretty unique bunch of believers. We make BIG decisions based on guidance we receive from an unseen adviser, so we sometimes say or do things that make almost no sense to "outsiders". For this reason, we are not always very forthcoming about the depth of our relationship with the Holy Spirit.
But we should be forthcoming! We should emphasize the complete awesomeness of The Still Small Voice that leads us. It happens to be something so powerful it makes people truly wonder if this "Christianity thing" might just be the REAL DEAL.
One day, as I was talking to my then-boyfriend (now husband) about a difficult situation in my life, I started ranting about all the things God and I had been talking about and how I was feeling "led". He was quiet for a while, unsure of how to respond to my faith-filled stream of consciousness. He then said something unexpected; that when I spoke this way it sometimes made him feel somewhat in awe of my intimacy with God because, he said, "You really BELIEVE." He knew I was a Christian. From our first meeting we had spoken about our religious differences numerous times. But something about me talking about my colloquial relationship with my Heavenly Father struck him as beyond "just" being religious, but as a true BELIEVER.
Our personal relationship with God, our reliance on our Friend, the Holy Spirit, makes us uniquely equipped for navigating the mysteries in life. So in my life, when I am looking for guidance, I pray, I seek God, and when I start to feel a nudge, I try to open myself to the Holy Spirit so that I am LED to the right path.
When I started dating my husband I was super confused. For my whole life, I had been taught to look for a man who shared my beliefs. I had been taught to look for a Christian. Despite years of trying to find a nice, Christian boy, I couldn't seem to scrounge one up. And then a nice, Jewish boy came into my life instead. I was perplexed! He was NOT what I was looking for, and yet, almost immediately, he was exactly what I needed. I kept praying, assuming that God must have this one wrong, that the Spirit would lead me to the conclusion that a Jewish man was not the right thing for me.
But The Spirit did not answer the way I expected.
1 Corinthians 2:10-13 (The Message)
The Spirit, not content to flit around on the surface, dives into the depths of God, and brings out what God planned all along. Who ever knows what you’re thinking and planning except you yourself? The same with God—except that he not only knows what he’s thinking, but he lets us in on it. God offers a full report on the gifts of life and salvation that he is giving us. We don’t have to rely on the world’s guesses and opinions.
As I prayed, as I "checked in" with God on this confusing matter of falling in love with a Jewish man, I never felt it was wrong. I didn't see a "Warning" sign, there were no "Red Flags" or "Danger Ahead" spiritual billboards. It seemed more like there was an unexpected, open door in front of me. There was a lot of unknown through that door, and in my humanity I worried that this path would be harder than I wanted it to be. But you know, when God calls you, when you feel that tug of the Holy Spirit to step out in faith, it's nearly impossible to ignore it.
The fear of missing out (FOMO) on what God had ordained for my life, the plan that was BIGGER than my tiny expectations, made me press forward towards that door, into the glorious beyond. But these steps, into a future, most unexpected are not always easy, and this is when I need the Holy Spirit to pour into my life, to help me "dive into the depths."
So I surrender. I make myself available to the guidance of the Spirit and I hold fast to the promise of God's plan being woven through my faith in Him.
When I started dating my husband I was super confused. For my whole life, I had been taught to look for a man who shared my beliefs. I had been taught to look for a Christian. Despite years of trying to find a nice, Christian boy, I couldn't seem to scrounge one up. And then a nice, Jewish boy came into my life instead. I was perplexed! He was NOT what I was looking for, and yet, almost immediately, he was exactly what I needed. I kept praying, assuming that God must have this one wrong, that the Spirit would lead me to the conclusion that a Jewish man was not the right thing for me.
But The Spirit did not answer the way I expected.
1 Corinthians 2:10-13 (The Message)
The Spirit, not content to flit around on the surface, dives into the depths of God, and brings out what God planned all along. Who ever knows what you’re thinking and planning except you yourself? The same with God—except that he not only knows what he’s thinking, but he lets us in on it. God offers a full report on the gifts of life and salvation that he is giving us. We don’t have to rely on the world’s guesses and opinions.
As I prayed, as I "checked in" with God on this confusing matter of falling in love with a Jewish man, I never felt it was wrong. I didn't see a "Warning" sign, there were no "Red Flags" or "Danger Ahead" spiritual billboards. It seemed more like there was an unexpected, open door in front of me. There was a lot of unknown through that door, and in my humanity I worried that this path would be harder than I wanted it to be. But you know, when God calls you, when you feel that tug of the Holy Spirit to step out in faith, it's nearly impossible to ignore it.
The fear of missing out (FOMO) on what God had ordained for my life, the plan that was BIGGER than my tiny expectations, made me press forward towards that door, into the glorious beyond. But these steps, into a future, most unexpected are not always easy, and this is when I need the Holy Spirit to pour into my life, to help me "dive into the depths."
So I surrender. I make myself available to the guidance of the Spirit and I hold fast to the promise of God's plan being woven through my faith in Him.
The Holy Spirit drives Christians to make unexpected choices, to live outside the box, and to take gigantic leaps of faith, even when everyone else thinks we're nuts. It is complicated and perfectly simple. It is what makes us BELIEVERS.
We Believe - Newsboys
L
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Loss
I work with loss every day.
I am currently a Palliative Care Therapist on a Palliative Medicine team. Most people have no idea what that is, so I'll explain;
Palliative Care (pronounced pal-lee-uh-tiv) is specialized medical care for people with serious illnesses. It focuses on providing patients with relief from the symptoms and stress of a serious illness. The goal is to improve quality of life for both the patient and the family.
So every day I meet people at a touchpoint where they are in the spectrum of illness, and partner with them to help navigate the emotional land mines that serious illness amplifies. Sometimes I work directly with patients, sometimes I spend the majority of my time with their family members. But I am always working with people for whom, the stakes have never been higher and the fear of loss has never been greater.
Loss.
I meet with people at a severe moment of need, and give them space and the permission, to process their feelings about what lies ahead. The pain they endure, the things they may have to change, the home they may have to leave, the family they have to rely on, the indignities they have to bear. They are dealing with loss; over and over again. Illness can chip away at what once was whole, and often leaves people in pieces.
I've held the hands of 90-year-olds, teared up with 70-year-olds, prayed with 50-year-olds and laughed with 30 year-olds. Each of them facing loss. I have heard, and carried their stories, advocated for their needs and tried to help "fix" as much as I can before they move on to the next part of their journey. Sometimes they are returning to their own home where everything is familiar, sometimes it's a nursing home where nothing is familiar, and sometimes it's hospice, where they will stretch beyond their fragile mortality to touch the other side.
Certainly people hear what I do, and wonder how I can work with people who are dying every day and not break into a million pieces...
The truth?
I've been broken before. And I was restored. I was abundantly restored! And then, because God knows exactly how to put us back together, he gave me the gift of this job. He gave it to me, at this time in my life, when He knew I could handle it. He allows me to walk alongside people who are breaking, and be safe haven for that brokenness. Daily; this work amplifies opportunities for me to remember where I have come from and help me see where I need to go.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (The Message)
All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.
And despite the fact that I bear witness to the visceral pain of profound loss almost every day, I am not numb to it. When pain touches, (even briefly) my own life, I am silenced by the vibrant fragility of our lives and the searing reality of loss.
An old friend of mine passed away yesterday.
Suddenly, the experience of loss, previously at a safe-distance, is reaching into my life and reminding me that tomorrow has not been promised. That THIS DAY is GIVEN and we are wise to live every last second out of it. Are you living every last second out of your days? Are you humbled by the supreme gift of another day?
Umm... Yes?
Yeah, so even though I work with death every day, even though I have literally been in the room when someone transcended their humanness, I still expect tomorrow to come.
And that's the human condition. We always think we have more time! One more day, one more moment. Even people who are dying are caught off guard by the stealth way death walks in. So what has my work with death taught me? What has loss taught me?
Try to be thankful.
Try to be mindful.
Try to do better.
I am currently a Palliative Care Therapist on a Palliative Medicine team. Most people have no idea what that is, so I'll explain;
Palliative Care (pronounced pal-lee-uh-tiv) is specialized medical care for people with serious illnesses. It focuses on providing patients with relief from the symptoms and stress of a serious illness. The goal is to improve quality of life for both the patient and the family.
So every day I meet people at a touchpoint where they are in the spectrum of illness, and partner with them to help navigate the emotional land mines that serious illness amplifies. Sometimes I work directly with patients, sometimes I spend the majority of my time with their family members. But I am always working with people for whom, the stakes have never been higher and the fear of loss has never been greater.
Loss.
I meet with people at a severe moment of need, and give them space and the permission, to process their feelings about what lies ahead. The pain they endure, the things they may have to change, the home they may have to leave, the family they have to rely on, the indignities they have to bear. They are dealing with loss; over and over again. Illness can chip away at what once was whole, and often leaves people in pieces.
I've held the hands of 90-year-olds, teared up with 70-year-olds, prayed with 50-year-olds and laughed with 30 year-olds. Each of them facing loss. I have heard, and carried their stories, advocated for their needs and tried to help "fix" as much as I can before they move on to the next part of their journey. Sometimes they are returning to their own home where everything is familiar, sometimes it's a nursing home where nothing is familiar, and sometimes it's hospice, where they will stretch beyond their fragile mortality to touch the other side.
Certainly people hear what I do, and wonder how I can work with people who are dying every day and not break into a million pieces...
The truth?
I've been broken before. And I was restored. I was abundantly restored! And then, because God knows exactly how to put us back together, he gave me the gift of this job. He gave it to me, at this time in my life, when He knew I could handle it. He allows me to walk alongside people who are breaking, and be safe haven for that brokenness. Daily; this work amplifies opportunities for me to remember where I have come from and help me see where I need to go.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (The Message)
All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.
And despite the fact that I bear witness to the visceral pain of profound loss almost every day, I am not numb to it. When pain touches, (even briefly) my own life, I am silenced by the vibrant fragility of our lives and the searing reality of loss.
An old friend of mine passed away yesterday.
Suddenly, the experience of loss, previously at a safe-distance, is reaching into my life and reminding me that tomorrow has not been promised. That THIS DAY is GIVEN and we are wise to live every last second out of it. Are you living every last second out of your days? Are you humbled by the supreme gift of another day?
Umm... Yes?
Yeah, so even though I work with death every day, even though I have literally been in the room when someone transcended their humanness, I still expect tomorrow to come.
And that's the human condition. We always think we have more time! One more day, one more moment. Even people who are dying are caught off guard by the stealth way death walks in. So what has my work with death taught me? What has loss taught me?
Try to be thankful.
Try to be mindful.
Try to do better.
"Love like I'm not scared.
Give when it's not fair.
Live life for another.
Take time for a brother.
Fight for the weak ones.
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle.
Stand tall, but above it all,
Fix my eyes on YOU
On YOU."
Loss.
It can sneak up on you.
Better live BIG right now.
Rest in Abundant & Heavenly Peace, Becky.
L
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Mom
I'm not a mother.
Now that my greatest dream has come true, and I have found the most wonderful man to share my life with, the next goal in my life is to become a mom.
It's shocking reallly.
When you spend your 20's being single and totally self-absorbed, it is not uncommon to have a hard time picturing children in your life. Your life is all about you. Taking care of you, doing the things YOU like, spending your time YOUR way. It was really hard for me to think seriously about being a parent someday. And that's ok! How can you expect someone who is doing their best just to survive, someone who is paying their dues with horrible dates, someone who is broken by not meeting Mr. Right, to think about being a parent?
That's just crazy.
One day, a couple years ago I was at my parent's church when an evangelist was there. I know he meant well, but his whole sermon was about how young people are delaying marriage for their own purposes, delaying children and potentially eliminating the grandparent generation.
I was SO upset by his comments, I left the service. (the ONLY time I have ever walked out of a church service). I was SO mad that this man was assuming that I was delaying marriage and my happily ever after, on purpose. It broke me that there were people who loved GOD who thought I would delay marriage and children on purpose! I thought I was ready for marriage and children long ago, so being accused of delaying that step in my life on purpose got under my skin in a way that I clearly can't forget.
God! I wanted to be married LONG ago - but you made me wait. Because it was your GOOD, and PERFECT plan for me. Not because I wanted to, but because God knows more than me.
And thank goodness he does!
If you had asked me even three years ago if I wanted children, I would have looked at you with a semi-blank stare. It was almost impossible for me to picture kids, when I couldn't picture happily-ever-after. But along with the love of my life, came something remarkable - the desire, and prayerful wish, to have a child.
Think about the journey it takes to decide to have a child.
Sure, lots of people have kids without thinking too much about it. But when you go through trials like I did, and look to the Heavens wondering if God will help you stay alive, it's REALLY hard to imagine that he will bestow the desire to be a parent within your heart.
Since getting married, the desire to be a Mom has grown so much stronger! Sure, my 33-year-old biological clock also factors in to those desires, but more than that, I am struck by the opportunity to bring life into the world, honor God with that gift, and stay open to HIS perfect will for our lives.
Again - it won't be easy for me. Marrying my lovely Jewish husband put a significant challenge in my life with respect to raising our children. But I married a man who admires my PASSION for my faith and trusts (as he should) that I will never undermine his belief system. I married a man who is always trying to understand my ABUNDANT faith in God, and at the very least, always respects it.
Ok. I've only been married for 6 weeks. But as I look to my future, I trust GOD's perfect plan. When I tried to figure it out on my own I ended up with a broken heart and weary spirit. I'm done trying to predict what God has for me, I'm done listening to other people. This conversation about new life belongs in my FATHER's hands and mine and my husband's hearts. And that's enough.
Proverbs 16:9 - The Message
We plan the way we want to live
But only GOD makes us able to live it.
L
Now that my greatest dream has come true, and I have found the most wonderful man to share my life with, the next goal in my life is to become a mom.
It's shocking reallly.
When you spend your 20's being single and totally self-absorbed, it is not uncommon to have a hard time picturing children in your life. Your life is all about you. Taking care of you, doing the things YOU like, spending your time YOUR way. It was really hard for me to think seriously about being a parent someday. And that's ok! How can you expect someone who is doing their best just to survive, someone who is paying their dues with horrible dates, someone who is broken by not meeting Mr. Right, to think about being a parent?
That's just crazy.
One day, a couple years ago I was at my parent's church when an evangelist was there. I know he meant well, but his whole sermon was about how young people are delaying marriage for their own purposes, delaying children and potentially eliminating the grandparent generation.
I was SO upset by his comments, I left the service. (the ONLY time I have ever walked out of a church service). I was SO mad that this man was assuming that I was delaying marriage and my happily ever after, on purpose. It broke me that there were people who loved GOD who thought I would delay marriage and children on purpose! I thought I was ready for marriage and children long ago, so being accused of delaying that step in my life on purpose got under my skin in a way that I clearly can't forget.
God! I wanted to be married LONG ago - but you made me wait. Because it was your GOOD, and PERFECT plan for me. Not because I wanted to, but because God knows more than me.
And thank goodness he does!
If you had asked me even three years ago if I wanted children, I would have looked at you with a semi-blank stare. It was almost impossible for me to picture kids, when I couldn't picture happily-ever-after. But along with the love of my life, came something remarkable - the desire, and prayerful wish, to have a child.
Think about the journey it takes to decide to have a child.
Sure, lots of people have kids without thinking too much about it. But when you go through trials like I did, and look to the Heavens wondering if God will help you stay alive, it's REALLY hard to imagine that he will bestow the desire to be a parent within your heart.
Since getting married, the desire to be a Mom has grown so much stronger! Sure, my 33-year-old biological clock also factors in to those desires, but more than that, I am struck by the opportunity to bring life into the world, honor God with that gift, and stay open to HIS perfect will for our lives.
Again - it won't be easy for me. Marrying my lovely Jewish husband put a significant challenge in my life with respect to raising our children. But I married a man who admires my PASSION for my faith and trusts (as he should) that I will never undermine his belief system. I married a man who is always trying to understand my ABUNDANT faith in God, and at the very least, always respects it.
Ok. I've only been married for 6 weeks. But as I look to my future, I trust GOD's perfect plan. When I tried to figure it out on my own I ended up with a broken heart and weary spirit. I'm done trying to predict what God has for me, I'm done listening to other people. This conversation about new life belongs in my FATHER's hands and mine and my husband's hearts. And that's enough.
Proverbs 16:9 - The Message
We plan the way we want to live
But only GOD makes us able to live it.
L
Friday, August 1, 2014
Lucky One
I'm getting married.
Those three words amaze me. If it were not for the ring on my finger and the incredible love in my heart it might be impossible for me to believe.
I am someone who has hoped and prayed for the gift of marriage for almost as long as I can remember. I faithfully and carefully guarded my heart believing that love would come on my approximate timetable. I am someone who went to, and watched countless unions and weddings of friends and started to feel left behind. I am someone who had my heart broken. I am someone who lost herself, spiraled out and hit bottom. I am someone who was once so bitter, angry and depressed I thought love would never find me.
And I'm getting married!
In a 10 year period of trying to find myself, and sometimes losing track of my faith I became so beat up I almost stopped trying to seek Him first. And then, after years of trying to write and not having a voice, words quite suddenly came back to me. I started writing a blog. I aired out my secrets and burdens and stopped letting them have so much power. And as I sorted through the experiences, hurts and feelings from my past, I turned to God's word to help me articulate my heart. And when I reached for God's word, He grabbed hold of my heart, and gave me peace. And then I met someone.
In the months, now years that have followed since meeting that someone, MY someone, it has been easy to be distracted. Falling in love does that - it kind of takes over. I fell in love fast and I have found myself in a whole new kind of all-consuming tailspin. No longer depressed, I got caught in a stunning wave of personal happiness. But I admit to getting carried away by Eros, or romantic love and not spending enough time working on my foundational relationship with my heavenly Father. I have work to do there!
He has always remained part of my life. He was there in the early days, after a date, or when I was trying so hard to understand why men are so crazy sometimes. He was there when I fell in love, and when worried that it might be too hard trying to make an inter-faith relationship work. He reminded me of my personal strength, and the strength of some incredible women I have known in the church who have loved the Lord and loved their husbands despite not sharing the same beliefs with them. He assured me over and over that THIS love, THIS man, was the one I would need. He was there when that man, the one I never expected to find, got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. HE was there in the moments that followed when I prayed with my new fiance over our marriage and life together. HE was there. HE is always there.
"His power abounds when a heart seeks His will over it's own."
My plan for the man I would marry was very different than the plan God has been laying out. It is harder. It is less popular with some of my Christian friends. It changes how my future will look. But I believe it is God's will. So, since this path will be different than the one I planned, it's a good thing God has been preparing me for a more challenging course all along.
I have a new love I searched a lifetime for, and an enduring love that has always known me. It's overwhelming and brilliant, more than I ever expected! There is a whole new life that awaits me!
I'm getting married!
Isaiah 30:18 MSG
But God’s not finished. He’s waiting around to be gracious to you.
He’s gathering strength to show mercy to you.
God takes the time to do everything right—everything.
Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones.
The Day Before You
L
Those three words amaze me. If it were not for the ring on my finger and the incredible love in my heart it might be impossible for me to believe.
I am someone who has hoped and prayed for the gift of marriage for almost as long as I can remember. I faithfully and carefully guarded my heart believing that love would come on my approximate timetable. I am someone who went to, and watched countless unions and weddings of friends and started to feel left behind. I am someone who had my heart broken. I am someone who lost herself, spiraled out and hit bottom. I am someone who was once so bitter, angry and depressed I thought love would never find me.
And I'm getting married!
In a 10 year period of trying to find myself, and sometimes losing track of my faith I became so beat up I almost stopped trying to seek Him first. And then, after years of trying to write and not having a voice, words quite suddenly came back to me. I started writing a blog. I aired out my secrets and burdens and stopped letting them have so much power. And as I sorted through the experiences, hurts and feelings from my past, I turned to God's word to help me articulate my heart. And when I reached for God's word, He grabbed hold of my heart, and gave me peace. And then I met someone.
In the months, now years that have followed since meeting that someone, MY someone, it has been easy to be distracted. Falling in love does that - it kind of takes over. I fell in love fast and I have found myself in a whole new kind of all-consuming tailspin. No longer depressed, I got caught in a stunning wave of personal happiness. But I admit to getting carried away by Eros, or romantic love and not spending enough time working on my foundational relationship with my heavenly Father. I have work to do there!
He has always remained part of my life. He was there in the early days, after a date, or when I was trying so hard to understand why men are so crazy sometimes. He was there when I fell in love, and when worried that it might be too hard trying to make an inter-faith relationship work. He reminded me of my personal strength, and the strength of some incredible women I have known in the church who have loved the Lord and loved their husbands despite not sharing the same beliefs with them. He assured me over and over that THIS love, THIS man, was the one I would need. He was there when that man, the one I never expected to find, got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. HE was there in the moments that followed when I prayed with my new fiance over our marriage and life together. HE was there. HE is always there.
"His power abounds when a heart seeks His will over it's own."
My plan for the man I would marry was very different than the plan God has been laying out. It is harder. It is less popular with some of my Christian friends. It changes how my future will look. But I believe it is God's will. So, since this path will be different than the one I planned, it's a good thing God has been preparing me for a more challenging course all along.
I have a new love I searched a lifetime for, and an enduring love that has always known me. It's overwhelming and brilliant, more than I ever expected! There is a whole new life that awaits me!
I'm getting married!
Isaiah 30:18 MSG
But God’s not finished. He’s waiting around to be gracious to you.
He’s gathering strength to show mercy to you.
God takes the time to do everything right—everything.
Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones.
The Day Before You
L
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Great Expectations
Sure, it has been awhile, but I have been doing some life-learn'n in my absence from the blogging world, and a plan to return to this space has been expanding more and more over the last few months. So I am back, and I have some explaining to do.
When last we left this blog I was wrapping up some of my story, my explanation for who I am today despite a number of personal trials. I was literally just about to start digging into my greatest and most raw feelings. Feelings about being single at the age of 30 and how I was ridiculously mad at God for that unplanned reality in my life. I was overflowing with anger, frustration, confusion and even desperation about this situation that I cannot really control. I was ready to start unpacking those feelings and willing to let my friends see all those unpleasant details.
And then something unexpected happened.
I met someone. A friend at work had heard me complain about my singleness and offered a possible introduction to some single men she knew. Make no mistake, my frustration with being "left behind" when it came to my deepest desire; to find a companion and partner for life, came out in regular discussion. These feelings were so pervasive, they were practically unavoidable to those around me. Which admittedly probably made me sucktastic company at times. In an effort to help me out, my coworker arranged to have me go to a game night with herself, her partner and his many single friends. My expectations were moderate. While I had been told that there would be several single men at game night, everything about my past experience told me not to get my hopes up. But I brought my "A" game. I worked the outfit, the hair, the makeup, whatever external control I could enact. And then, I prayed. Unfortunately, it may have been more of an afterthought than it should have been. But on the drive, to Northern Virginia, all dressed up, I prayed that God would direct my interactions, give me hope, and guidance.
Years ago, when I was moaning about being single, my mother recommended I make a list of what I want in a man; in a life partner, so that when I am out in the world looking for him I would know what I am looking for and how to recognize it. The highlights of the list included finding a "Mighty Man of God" (more on that in a minute),someone tall, educated, and able to "keep up". I had a series of 3 men I dated who simply could not keep up with the language I use, the way I use language, and my never-ending infantry of sarcasm. These three short but educational relationships taught me that no matter what, I had to find a partner who could give and good as he gets, who knows what "indigenous" means and that the Harbor Tunnel does actually go underwater, not over it. The tall thing is easy to understand because I am 5"11 and a little on the curvy side, so I wanted a man who was "bigger" than me. And the need for a "Mighty Man of God" was conceptualized when I was 16 years old, when I deduced that men who are mighty in the Lord are relationship leaders, prayer warriors, and strength bearers.
Great Expectations.
You know what? Sometimes God does not give you what you want. He gives you what you need. And then, remarkably sometimes those are actually the same thing. The man I met at that game night is not what I was looking for. He is shorter and thinner than me, and, brace yourselves; Jewish. The night I met him I was pretty certain he would not be interested in me anyway. But it turns out, he has been exactly what I needed. I'm not in the mood for predicting the outcome of our relationship, but what I am completely certain of is that this person is absolutely, without question, in my life for a reason. I am happy, hopeful, and feel completely safe.
This does not mean I have not had a chat or two with God about why in the world he has laid this path before me, or what he is going for here, but who am I to let my expectations get in the way?
I met with a patient today, who donated a kidney to a stranger. She had planned to donate to someone she knew, but that person passed away unexpectedly before she could receive the kidney. My patient said once she spoke with God about donating her kidney, she felt a peace about the experience and started to feel that her kidney was not really hers anymore. So when the planned recipient passed away, doctors were worried my patient would decide not to donate anymore. My patient donated anyway. She told me that while she had expected one outcome, she was certain that God's plan for her kidney was sovereign, and she never questioned that God knew what he was doing, and that he would use her kidney for His plan.
I expect great things from God - but I have to be willing to adjust those expectations, because sometimes, His plan is beyond our understanding.
Ephesians 1:11-12
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.
So I put my hope in Christ. I revel in what joy he has brought into my life after many years of sadness and desperation. I look to Him to help me with the details, and I keep my expectations GREAT, because my Father always has a plan.
L
When last we left this blog I was wrapping up some of my story, my explanation for who I am today despite a number of personal trials. I was literally just about to start digging into my greatest and most raw feelings. Feelings about being single at the age of 30 and how I was ridiculously mad at God for that unplanned reality in my life. I was overflowing with anger, frustration, confusion and even desperation about this situation that I cannot really control. I was ready to start unpacking those feelings and willing to let my friends see all those unpleasant details.
And then something unexpected happened.
I met someone. A friend at work had heard me complain about my singleness and offered a possible introduction to some single men she knew. Make no mistake, my frustration with being "left behind" when it came to my deepest desire; to find a companion and partner for life, came out in regular discussion. These feelings were so pervasive, they were practically unavoidable to those around me. Which admittedly probably made me sucktastic company at times. In an effort to help me out, my coworker arranged to have me go to a game night with herself, her partner and his many single friends. My expectations were moderate. While I had been told that there would be several single men at game night, everything about my past experience told me not to get my hopes up. But I brought my "A" game. I worked the outfit, the hair, the makeup, whatever external control I could enact. And then, I prayed. Unfortunately, it may have been more of an afterthought than it should have been. But on the drive, to Northern Virginia, all dressed up, I prayed that God would direct my interactions, give me hope, and guidance.
Years ago, when I was moaning about being single, my mother recommended I make a list of what I want in a man; in a life partner, so that when I am out in the world looking for him I would know what I am looking for and how to recognize it. The highlights of the list included finding a "Mighty Man of God" (more on that in a minute),someone tall, educated, and able to "keep up". I had a series of 3 men I dated who simply could not keep up with the language I use, the way I use language, and my never-ending infantry of sarcasm. These three short but educational relationships taught me that no matter what, I had to find a partner who could give and good as he gets, who knows what "indigenous" means and that the Harbor Tunnel does actually go underwater, not over it. The tall thing is easy to understand because I am 5"11 and a little on the curvy side, so I wanted a man who was "bigger" than me. And the need for a "Mighty Man of God" was conceptualized when I was 16 years old, when I deduced that men who are mighty in the Lord are relationship leaders, prayer warriors, and strength bearers.
Great Expectations.
You know what? Sometimes God does not give you what you want. He gives you what you need. And then, remarkably sometimes those are actually the same thing. The man I met at that game night is not what I was looking for. He is shorter and thinner than me, and, brace yourselves; Jewish. The night I met him I was pretty certain he would not be interested in me anyway. But it turns out, he has been exactly what I needed. I'm not in the mood for predicting the outcome of our relationship, but what I am completely certain of is that this person is absolutely, without question, in my life for a reason. I am happy, hopeful, and feel completely safe.
This does not mean I have not had a chat or two with God about why in the world he has laid this path before me, or what he is going for here, but who am I to let my expectations get in the way?
I met with a patient today, who donated a kidney to a stranger. She had planned to donate to someone she knew, but that person passed away unexpectedly before she could receive the kidney. My patient said once she spoke with God about donating her kidney, she felt a peace about the experience and started to feel that her kidney was not really hers anymore. So when the planned recipient passed away, doctors were worried my patient would decide not to donate anymore. My patient donated anyway. She told me that while she had expected one outcome, she was certain that God's plan for her kidney was sovereign, and she never questioned that God knew what he was doing, and that he would use her kidney for His plan.
I expect great things from God - but I have to be willing to adjust those expectations, because sometimes, His plan is beyond our understanding.
Ephesians 1:11-12
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.
So I put my hope in Christ. I revel in what joy he has brought into my life after many years of sadness and desperation. I look to Him to help me with the details, and I keep my expectations GREAT, because my Father always has a plan.
L
Monday, February 27, 2012
Refining
When I was depressed, I didn't write.
The reason I did not write is because writing about how I was feeling made it worse. Any good therapist out there will make a recommendation to a depressed young woman to start journaling. (This is both useful for the patient and the therapist.) I like writing. I have always liked it. When I was in fourth grade, our teacher gave out some Halloween paper, and asked us to write a one page Halloween story. I went ahead and wrote 10 pages - so many that she told me I could not have any more special Halloween stationary. When I was 13, I wrote the most depressing, emo "book" that one has ever laid eyes on. After about 120 pages worth of writing I realized it was completely awful, and in a fit of teenage angst, decided to throw it out (which I truly do not regret - it was NOT good.) And then, when I renewed my committment to my faith, I started writing every single day, without fail, documenting my life, as well as my journey of faith.
Writing has always been something I loved, but when depression moved into my life, I couldn't stand to document it. As a teenager I never worried about others reading my diary - in fact I kind of enjoyed sharing it with captive sleepover friends. As a college student, I was mostly writing about my faith and my adoration for men who were "just not that into me." I never wrote things that were much of a secret; my writing had never been about secrets. But when depression set in, and then self injury, writing about it was overwhelmingly embarassing, and shameful. And since I could not write honestly anymore, without being overcome with frustration, anger, and guilt, I pretty much stopped. Writing made me feel worse.
Not being able to write forced me to look outside myself for an outlet. And as much as I love God, he was not my favorite person during that time, and I felt completely distant from my faith. I have incredible parents, but the distress I was experiencing exceeded their skill-set, and I was not able to share all my secrets with them. So I started seeing a therapist. In all, I have had four therapists since that first one in my sophomore year of college. Having someone who was prepared to listen to me talk about every awful feeling I was experiencing, and then holding me accountable to working towards change, was my lifeline.
Even now, I can't help but wish my faith had been strong enough to sustain me, but depression blocked the connection I had always felt to my faith. I still believed everything I had been raised with, but in some ways, that made my struggle much harder. I was once one of those people who believed you can pray depression out of someone's life. But when it was happening to me, I realized it just was not gonna be that simple.
I started taking an antidepressant in the summer before my junior year. I was ashamed, and felt silly, as though maybe this depression stuff wasn't really bad enough to warrant such a drastic measure. I kept it a secret for about 3 months, which, for anyone who knows me, is completely amazing since my life is pretty much an open book. Even once I told people, I still struggled with whether or not I really needed medication at all. I kept thinking I was "faking" and making a bigger deal about my mood than it really was.
When I was about 5 years old, I was playing with my friends on the swings in their backyard. The swingset had a slide, and when I went down it, I landed kind of funny. I was not hurt at all, but all my friends were so worried! My friend Matthew even offered me his Smarties so I would feel better. So I just went with it. I pretended I had hurt myself, because the attention felt pretty darn good.
As a young adult, I was truly afraid that I was repeating that scenario. I had already started studying mental health, and I knew enough to know, that there are people who do that - manipulate others, or fake illness to get attention. I was so afraid that I was becoming one of those people. Ironically it was my inability to write that signaled to me that my problems were real. The frustration I felt in not being able to connect to that part of myself highlighted how real my issue was.
I guess my point with all of this, is that if you are someone who is struggling, don't underestimate the impact it can have on your life, and the damage it can do. I was worried about what my parents would think, or what getting help would mean, or how people would see me and it took far too long for me to start the work that needed to be done to get back to a mood equilibrium. I kept a lot of secrets back then, and secrets have a way of tearing at your insides, and distancing you from the love and support of others.
When I started writing this blog, several people reached out to me, and wanted to know if they could have done more to help me. The truth is, I had no idea how to ask or truly receieve help. I was all mixed up, and even with numerous friends and supports in place, I felt alone.
If you are hurting, if you are questioning what the heck God is doing, or why He is taking you through such a desert, ask for help. Ask for help over and over, as though you were drowing and in need of a lifeguard, and when someone reached out their hand to you, grab hold.
Our Savior does not want us to drown, but He will allow us to be tested by fire. God allowed Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego to be thrown into the fire, and then he delivered them from it. (Dan 3:19-28)
1 Peter 1:3-7 (The Message)
What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all—life healed and whole.
I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.
Depression, anxiety, self injury, hopelessness, none of these things are from God, but faith put through suffering comes out proved genuine. That's who I am now, I am someone who has been refined by fire, and my faith is proved genuine! Those trials were terrifying, and painful, but even when I was in the fire, I would try to connect to God. Maybe only for a moment, maybe without knowing if I would be really heard, but I kept praying. I never stopped believing. How blessed I am that this faith I grew up with was tested by fire, and God will have it on display as evidence of HIS victory! And now, I can write again. HIS victory indeed!
L
Rack, Shack & Benny
The reason I did not write is because writing about how I was feeling made it worse. Any good therapist out there will make a recommendation to a depressed young woman to start journaling. (This is both useful for the patient and the therapist.) I like writing. I have always liked it. When I was in fourth grade, our teacher gave out some Halloween paper, and asked us to write a one page Halloween story. I went ahead and wrote 10 pages - so many that she told me I could not have any more special Halloween stationary. When I was 13, I wrote the most depressing, emo "book" that one has ever laid eyes on. After about 120 pages worth of writing I realized it was completely awful, and in a fit of teenage angst, decided to throw it out (which I truly do not regret - it was NOT good.) And then, when I renewed my committment to my faith, I started writing every single day, without fail, documenting my life, as well as my journey of faith.
Writing has always been something I loved, but when depression moved into my life, I couldn't stand to document it. As a teenager I never worried about others reading my diary - in fact I kind of enjoyed sharing it with captive sleepover friends. As a college student, I was mostly writing about my faith and my adoration for men who were "just not that into me." I never wrote things that were much of a secret; my writing had never been about secrets. But when depression set in, and then self injury, writing about it was overwhelmingly embarassing, and shameful. And since I could not write honestly anymore, without being overcome with frustration, anger, and guilt, I pretty much stopped. Writing made me feel worse.
Not being able to write forced me to look outside myself for an outlet. And as much as I love God, he was not my favorite person during that time, and I felt completely distant from my faith. I have incredible parents, but the distress I was experiencing exceeded their skill-set, and I was not able to share all my secrets with them. So I started seeing a therapist. In all, I have had four therapists since that first one in my sophomore year of college. Having someone who was prepared to listen to me talk about every awful feeling I was experiencing, and then holding me accountable to working towards change, was my lifeline.
Even now, I can't help but wish my faith had been strong enough to sustain me, but depression blocked the connection I had always felt to my faith. I still believed everything I had been raised with, but in some ways, that made my struggle much harder. I was once one of those people who believed you can pray depression out of someone's life. But when it was happening to me, I realized it just was not gonna be that simple.
I started taking an antidepressant in the summer before my junior year. I was ashamed, and felt silly, as though maybe this depression stuff wasn't really bad enough to warrant such a drastic measure. I kept it a secret for about 3 months, which, for anyone who knows me, is completely amazing since my life is pretty much an open book. Even once I told people, I still struggled with whether or not I really needed medication at all. I kept thinking I was "faking" and making a bigger deal about my mood than it really was.
When I was about 5 years old, I was playing with my friends on the swings in their backyard. The swingset had a slide, and when I went down it, I landed kind of funny. I was not hurt at all, but all my friends were so worried! My friend Matthew even offered me his Smarties so I would feel better. So I just went with it. I pretended I had hurt myself, because the attention felt pretty darn good.
As a young adult, I was truly afraid that I was repeating that scenario. I had already started studying mental health, and I knew enough to know, that there are people who do that - manipulate others, or fake illness to get attention. I was so afraid that I was becoming one of those people. Ironically it was my inability to write that signaled to me that my problems were real. The frustration I felt in not being able to connect to that part of myself highlighted how real my issue was.
I guess my point with all of this, is that if you are someone who is struggling, don't underestimate the impact it can have on your life, and the damage it can do. I was worried about what my parents would think, or what getting help would mean, or how people would see me and it took far too long for me to start the work that needed to be done to get back to a mood equilibrium. I kept a lot of secrets back then, and secrets have a way of tearing at your insides, and distancing you from the love and support of others.
When I started writing this blog, several people reached out to me, and wanted to know if they could have done more to help me. The truth is, I had no idea how to ask or truly receieve help. I was all mixed up, and even with numerous friends and supports in place, I felt alone.
If you are hurting, if you are questioning what the heck God is doing, or why He is taking you through such a desert, ask for help. Ask for help over and over, as though you were drowing and in need of a lifeguard, and when someone reached out their hand to you, grab hold.
Our Savior does not want us to drown, but He will allow us to be tested by fire. God allowed Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego to be thrown into the fire, and then he delivered them from it. (Dan 3:19-28)
1 Peter 1:3-7 (The Message)
What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all—life healed and whole.
I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.
Depression, anxiety, self injury, hopelessness, none of these things are from God, but faith put through suffering comes out proved genuine. That's who I am now, I am someone who has been refined by fire, and my faith is proved genuine! Those trials were terrifying, and painful, but even when I was in the fire, I would try to connect to God. Maybe only for a moment, maybe without knowing if I would be really heard, but I kept praying. I never stopped believing. How blessed I am that this faith I grew up with was tested by fire, and God will have it on display as evidence of HIS victory! And now, I can write again. HIS victory indeed!
L
Rack, Shack & Benny
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Valentine
I have only had one Valentine's Day in my life which included a boyfriend, which is kinda sad, but that does not make it any less true. That Valentine's with a boyfriend pretty much rocked. I am a big fan of having a boyfriend for Valentine's Day. While my boyfriend would later reveal himself to be a man of poor character, that year I could not have been more delighted to be in a relationship. There were roses, teddy bears, cards and letters. It was completely marvelous.
As far as Valentine's Day goes, I have always been at pretty much at peace with the holiday. While there have been far too many of them spent as a single girl, my friends and family have always kept the day pretty sweet. My mom always sends a card and a couple dollars, or a little gift, my grandparents like to send a little money too (being one of only 2 grandchildren has its perks!), and then at work I bring in some candy, wear pink, and try not to think about how I'll be spending the evening alone. I don't bother being depressed, because it is just ONE day, and the all the love will be over by tomorrow, so I can muddle through.
1 Corinthians 7:17, The Message.
And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.
And with a promise like that one, how could I be sad? And despite my penchant for unreasonable sadness, I tend to be an optomist when it comes to this day. I always think ahead to the future and hope that "next year I will have a Valentine." And quite frankly I would rather have a quality Valentine over a boyfriend that will later cheat on me...
I only remember one other Valentine's Day in my life. I was in fourth grade and completely in love with a boy whom I will call Tyler Griffin (for complete and total privacy purposes). Tyler had started at our school at the tail end of third grade, and I prided myself on not falling in love with him right away, since on his first day, he demonstrated questionable judgement by jumping in mud puddles on the baseball field at recess. I mean what girl wants a muddy boyfriend? No, it took time for my love of Tyler to grow. By the time Valentine's Day rolled around, I was ready to passive aggressively share my feelings by sending him a "Secret Admirer" Valentine. Now those were the days when we all exchanged Valentines with every kid in the class, even the ones who were smelly or ate paste. So I gave a Valentine to every kid in the class, just like everyone else, but for Tyler, I gave the prettiest, most feelings-revealing card. But when you are in fourth grade, you don't always think things through. When Tyler received his secret admirer card, he promptly went through his stack of Valentines and used process of elimination (along with a group of eager, laughing, secret-busting peers) to reveal that the only person who had not given him a Valentine was me, and thus, the secret admirer card was clearly from me. When Tyler and his cohorts asked me if the admirer was me, I of course denied knowing anything about such ridiculousness. They were not fooled by my stellar acting skills, and thus, the secret was out, followed by too many giggles at my expense. It was a very disappointing Valentine's Day.
I figure Valentine's Day is pretty simple as an adult, and I'm pretty thankful I do not have to experience such stressful and embarassing situations anymore. For the record, the following year I was still in love with Tyler, and was clever enough to remember to give him a "regular" Valentine in addition to the secret admirer one -- nailed it.
Ultimately even the people who are a part of a couple on this day get that this one day is not that big a deal. That helps make it a little easier too. Mostly I just want to be clear that I am not nearly as bitter about this particular holiday as most single people are... In fact this day is an anniversary for me. I became a Christian on this day, in 1986 and then 10 years and one day later, I was water baptized. So today I will remember to celebrate what an incredible gift I have been given - one that will outlast any roses or teddy bears, the gift of eternity in Heaven with the lover of my soul.
1 John 4:13-16 The Message
This is how we know we're living steadily and deeply in him, and he in us: He's given us life from his life, from his very own Spirit. Also, we've seen for ourselves and continue to state openly that the Father sent his Son as Savior of the world. Everyone who confesses that Jesus is God's Son participates continuously in an intimate relationship with God. We know it so well, we've embraced it heart and soul, this love that comes from God.
My God is Love. I will continue to hope, seek and pray for God's will to be done in revealing my Earthly Valentine to me. And while I wait, I will hold on to his promise, his salvation, and his incredible Love.
L
As far as Valentine's Day goes, I have always been at pretty much at peace with the holiday. While there have been far too many of them spent as a single girl, my friends and family have always kept the day pretty sweet. My mom always sends a card and a couple dollars, or a little gift, my grandparents like to send a little money too (being one of only 2 grandchildren has its perks!), and then at work I bring in some candy, wear pink, and try not to think about how I'll be spending the evening alone. I don't bother being depressed, because it is just ONE day, and the all the love will be over by tomorrow, so I can muddle through.
1 Corinthians 7:17, The Message.
And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.
And with a promise like that one, how could I be sad? And despite my penchant for unreasonable sadness, I tend to be an optomist when it comes to this day. I always think ahead to the future and hope that "next year I will have a Valentine." And quite frankly I would rather have a quality Valentine over a boyfriend that will later cheat on me...
I only remember one other Valentine's Day in my life. I was in fourth grade and completely in love with a boy whom I will call Tyler Griffin (for complete and total privacy purposes). Tyler had started at our school at the tail end of third grade, and I prided myself on not falling in love with him right away, since on his first day, he demonstrated questionable judgement by jumping in mud puddles on the baseball field at recess. I mean what girl wants a muddy boyfriend? No, it took time for my love of Tyler to grow. By the time Valentine's Day rolled around, I was ready to passive aggressively share my feelings by sending him a "Secret Admirer" Valentine. Now those were the days when we all exchanged Valentines with every kid in the class, even the ones who were smelly or ate paste. So I gave a Valentine to every kid in the class, just like everyone else, but for Tyler, I gave the prettiest, most feelings-revealing card. But when you are in fourth grade, you don't always think things through. When Tyler received his secret admirer card, he promptly went through his stack of Valentines and used process of elimination (along with a group of eager, laughing, secret-busting peers) to reveal that the only person who had not given him a Valentine was me, and thus, the secret admirer card was clearly from me. When Tyler and his cohorts asked me if the admirer was me, I of course denied knowing anything about such ridiculousness. They were not fooled by my stellar acting skills, and thus, the secret was out, followed by too many giggles at my expense. It was a very disappointing Valentine's Day.
I figure Valentine's Day is pretty simple as an adult, and I'm pretty thankful I do not have to experience such stressful and embarassing situations anymore. For the record, the following year I was still in love with Tyler, and was clever enough to remember to give him a "regular" Valentine in addition to the secret admirer one -- nailed it.
Ultimately even the people who are a part of a couple on this day get that this one day is not that big a deal. That helps make it a little easier too. Mostly I just want to be clear that I am not nearly as bitter about this particular holiday as most single people are... In fact this day is an anniversary for me. I became a Christian on this day, in 1986 and then 10 years and one day later, I was water baptized. So today I will remember to celebrate what an incredible gift I have been given - one that will outlast any roses or teddy bears, the gift of eternity in Heaven with the lover of my soul.
1 John 4:13-16 The Message
This is how we know we're living steadily and deeply in him, and he in us: He's given us life from his life, from his very own Spirit. Also, we've seen for ourselves and continue to state openly that the Father sent his Son as Savior of the world. Everyone who confesses that Jesus is God's Son participates continuously in an intimate relationship with God. We know it so well, we've embraced it heart and soul, this love that comes from God.
My God is Love. I will continue to hope, seek and pray for God's will to be done in revealing my Earthly Valentine to me. And while I wait, I will hold on to his promise, his salvation, and his incredible Love.
L
Thursday, February 9, 2012
While I'm Waiting
So we know how 16 year old Lindsay would react to still being single, but the big question is how does 30 year old Lindsay feel about it. Well, I have my good days (which have been a little more frequent lately) and my bad days, which have pretty much ruled my time in the last 5 years.
It is very hard being single! I have had a couple instances where I returned to being with a man that I already know is not "the one" simply because it is nice to not be alone. Some people are perplexed why I would "waste" my time on a relationship that I know is not right. Those people don't know what it is like to be alone. I'm not trying for a pity party here - "Oh Lindsay, she's so sad and all alone." I am just trying to tell it like it is. When I struggle with stuff, I am on my own. When I have a craptastic day, I don't have anyone to talk to (except my patient mother). When I have to make tough decisions there is no one to weigh them with. I know marriage is hard, I am certain of it. I know that being part of a duo is not always great. But I also know being alone is harder.
1 Corinthians 7:8 The Message
I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.
Dude! Paul speaks the truth on this one! I have given singleness a shot, I have spent years perfecting it, and you know what? It is NOT for me. Of course, if you keep reading the chapter, Paul expands on his views of marriage:
1 Corinthians 7:32-35 The Message
I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.
Drat! So all this time, when I was all kinds of fixated on how much it sucks to be single, I was supposed to use that time to concentrate on God? Yeah, I have not exactly done that. Apparently all this time I have been "free" but I have let my displeasure with God's timing wrap me up in chains. I let that displeasure (let's just call it anger) be a major distraction for me.
So now what?
The thing is, for all the time I have spent being angry at God, and crying about being single, I truly believe I have been growing. In my humanness, I still wish God would bring someone into my life on my timetable, but in my spirit, I know that God has his reasons for what I perceive to be Him holding out on me. I once said to my dad, that even if God brought someone into my life in this moment, and I could live "happily ever after" I would still be mad at Him for making me wait so long. I really wish that wasn't true, but it is. So that is what I am working on - having peace about God's plans for me. It's probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, is to let go of that anger about my perceived injustice in God's timing. Am I alone here? Have you ever thought that God was being unfair, or holding out on you? What is the thing that you got mad at God for?
I also have these moments when I feel like such a dummy for being so mad at God about something that is obviously not the only important thing in life.
"Can you worship a God who isn't obligated to explain His actions to you? Could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation?" ~ Francis Chan
For too many years I have been thinking that God owes me an explanation. In fact I became so mad at Him, I knew I would demand an explanation even if I got what I wanted. It has taken far too long to move beyond that arrogance and start to channel my energy towards being obedient, and accepting that God doesn't answer to me. I am to answer to Him.
I'm not good at letting other people have control. No, really, I suck at it. So when it comes to letting an abstract force have control, I generally let God have the reigns for all of 2 seconds before I decide He is not doing it right, or He must need my help. I am one of those people who takes it to the altar, and then after I have prayed, I go ahead and pick it back up again. God's busy, I can manage this myself. But can I really?
Psalm 37:4-8 New Living Translation
Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit everything you do to the LORD.
Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
Be still in the presence of the LORD,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.
Stop being angry!
Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper—
it only leads to harm.
The Word is pretty clear. Delight in who God is, have some peace and listen to Him, and above all, stop being mad, get over your issue because it's just going to destroy you, and the promise is that God will meet your need.
It is hard to believe, and it is even harder to practice. But I am trying. I am looking to Him, and trying. I may have wasted time not seeking Him first in my singleness, but that only made my sadness and restlessness worse. It's time to change my game plan. It's absolutely time to commit to serving him while I wait.
While I'm Waiting - John Waller
L
It is very hard being single! I have had a couple instances where I returned to being with a man that I already know is not "the one" simply because it is nice to not be alone. Some people are perplexed why I would "waste" my time on a relationship that I know is not right. Those people don't know what it is like to be alone. I'm not trying for a pity party here - "Oh Lindsay, she's so sad and all alone." I am just trying to tell it like it is. When I struggle with stuff, I am on my own. When I have a craptastic day, I don't have anyone to talk to (except my patient mother). When I have to make tough decisions there is no one to weigh them with. I know marriage is hard, I am certain of it. I know that being part of a duo is not always great. But I also know being alone is harder.
1 Corinthians 7:8 The Message
I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.
Dude! Paul speaks the truth on this one! I have given singleness a shot, I have spent years perfecting it, and you know what? It is NOT for me. Of course, if you keep reading the chapter, Paul expands on his views of marriage:
1 Corinthians 7:32-35 The Message
I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.
Drat! So all this time, when I was all kinds of fixated on how much it sucks to be single, I was supposed to use that time to concentrate on God? Yeah, I have not exactly done that. Apparently all this time I have been "free" but I have let my displeasure with God's timing wrap me up in chains. I let that displeasure (let's just call it anger) be a major distraction for me.
So now what?
The thing is, for all the time I have spent being angry at God, and crying about being single, I truly believe I have been growing. In my humanness, I still wish God would bring someone into my life on my timetable, but in my spirit, I know that God has his reasons for what I perceive to be Him holding out on me. I once said to my dad, that even if God brought someone into my life in this moment, and I could live "happily ever after" I would still be mad at Him for making me wait so long. I really wish that wasn't true, but it is. So that is what I am working on - having peace about God's plans for me. It's probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, is to let go of that anger about my perceived injustice in God's timing. Am I alone here? Have you ever thought that God was being unfair, or holding out on you? What is the thing that you got mad at God for?
I also have these moments when I feel like such a dummy for being so mad at God about something that is obviously not the only important thing in life.
"Can you worship a God who isn't obligated to explain His actions to you? Could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation?" ~ Francis Chan
For too many years I have been thinking that God owes me an explanation. In fact I became so mad at Him, I knew I would demand an explanation even if I got what I wanted. It has taken far too long to move beyond that arrogance and start to channel my energy towards being obedient, and accepting that God doesn't answer to me. I am to answer to Him.
I'm not good at letting other people have control. No, really, I suck at it. So when it comes to letting an abstract force have control, I generally let God have the reigns for all of 2 seconds before I decide He is not doing it right, or He must need my help. I am one of those people who takes it to the altar, and then after I have prayed, I go ahead and pick it back up again. God's busy, I can manage this myself. But can I really?
Psalm 37:4-8 New Living Translation
Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit everything you do to the LORD.
Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
Be still in the presence of the LORD,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.
Stop being angry!
Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper—
it only leads to harm.
The Word is pretty clear. Delight in who God is, have some peace and listen to Him, and above all, stop being mad, get over your issue because it's just going to destroy you, and the promise is that God will meet your need.
It is hard to believe, and it is even harder to practice. But I am trying. I am looking to Him, and trying. I may have wasted time not seeking Him first in my singleness, but that only made my sadness and restlessness worse. It's time to change my game plan. It's absolutely time to commit to serving him while I wait.
While I'm Waiting - John Waller
L
Monday, February 6, 2012
Dreams
If you were a little girl once; do you remember when you were little, and you dreamt about getting married and having babies? In my girlie childhood, I spent quite a bit of time planning this future for myself. I decided I would marry an architect when I was about 22, and I would have two children, because everything in the world is designed for a family of four. I would want girls (mostly because when you are a girl yourself, you can't imagine having to spend too much time with a little boy) and we would build a lovely house (that me and my architect husband designed) and live happily ever after.
Of course, these are childhood dreams, but even at a young age when you are busy making lofty plans for yourself, you have the sensibility that not everything will turn out as you plan - you may, for instance have to settle for a doctor instead of an architect. But we can hardly imagine how our futures will really unfold.
The dream is actually quite simple, and one that has been repeated over and over through history. Grow up, get an education, find a partner, get married, have children. Such a simple formula! I was perfectly right to spend hours dreaming of this outcome for my life because how could it possibly unfold any differently?
By the time I started college, I felt like I was well on my way to having all my childhood dreams fulfilled. I was still at a stage in my history where I had "Kissed Dating Goodbye" but I knew there were opportunities to build friendships with men all over the place. I was on track with my relationship with God; fervently sticking to my convictions, praying for purity of heart and mind, and avoiding temptation. My journal entries from this time in my life are packed with prayers for God to help me resist sin, in action and mind. I even admonished others to follow my example. (Which was no doubt incredibly annoying to my friends..) I met a few men my freshman year of college who I was instantly convinced would all make suitable "happily ever after" candidates. Mighty men of God, who were smart, kind, funny and attractive. I was endlessly optimistic about my prospects.
But then my world started to shift. I can't quite pinpoint when, but things started to change for me, and by sophomore year I was still delighted by the men in my world, but there was one in particular who I was convinced was my "happily ever after guy". So convinced, in fact that I stopped looking for anyone else. It is worth mentioning that this person was not exactly on board with my happily ever after plans. In fact, we often spent time talking about other women he was interested in.
Here is where things kind of went into a tailspin for me. I was like a kid who only wants to use the color red over and over again, when in fact there are lots of other amazing colors available. As much as my friends, and my parents tried to convince me to try another color, I was convinced the only one worth spending my time on was the color red. I had tunnel vision, and could not see beyond what was right in front of me.
You know what happens when you spend too much time on something that is leading down a dead end? You get discouraged. You get hurt. You get angry. I started to spend a lot of time with those emotions. In fact they flooded my heart and mind. I was mad at this man, I was mad at God, I was mad at myself. But I just couldn't stop. And then, depression started to creep in. But even then, I could not walk away, I held on for dear life and prayed it would work out.
It wasn't going to work out, but I would not know that for another year and a half. Yep, that's right. I spent three years just coloring with red, stubbornly refusing to consider any other color, even when sticking with the red one was hurting me. Three years. Even now when I think about it, I am overwhelmed by how much time that is, and how little I have to show for it. I believe God has a plan, and I am sure that part of his plan was for me to spend time with the color red, but I don't think he was planning for me to commit three years to it.
Allow me to be clear. I am not blaming this man at all. He tried a dozen ways to communicate that he was not interested in me the way I was in him. I just chose to ignore it. And I believe we both got something from our friendship. I am absolutely certain it was his words that helped me stay out of the hospital when I was at my emotional rock bottom. Our time together was not a waste, but it did not produce much fruit either.
Luke 13:6-7
Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’
I find it quite fitting that the man had been waiting for three years. After three years of little to no fruit, I cut the tree down. I ended my connection with the color red, and started to work on moving on. By this time I was almost done college, but also just trying to stay alive. Healing would not come for some time.
There are a few chapters to understanding how I got to where I am today, as a 30 year old single girl. There have been more tears cried, more personal pain, more anger with God than most people know. I had a pretty simple plan for a happy ending when I was a child. And when I was 16 I started to spiritually commit to that plan, with a feeling of assurance that my obedience would be rewarded. I started to guide my thoughts and actions toward allowing myself to be open to God's plan - my dreams come true.
I have been known to say that if you told 16 year old Lindsay that at age 30 I will still be single, 16 year old Lindsay would not even know how to move forward. Perhaps there is some wisdom to God's plan after all... If I had known then that I would have to wait for so long without my happy ending, my story would most certainly be different. Perhaps much darker. God took a chance with this particular plan though, since being single through my 20's was incredibly lonely, and a much more difficult path than I was counting on.
1 Corinthians 10:13 The Message
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.
God's word is true. I was pushed to my limit, but not past it. I have been on the edge many times, but He has continued to help me come through it. His plan for me was certainly outside what I had been dreaming of. And I am guilty of thinking God let me down, but it has been in my human weakness that I have felt that way; my God has never left me, and He HAS NOT let me down.
So what I am working on now is reflecting on the past, but not being overcome by it. My history is important, it has become a part of me, but the future is HIS alone. When I wrote about God's will, I spent no less than 2 hours researching how to know God's will. It's not so easy to figure it out. The only thing I am clear on is that we need to look to HIM. So that I what I am trying to do. I have spent years wrapped up in my own stuff, and since God has been so merciful as to bring me restoration, I refuse to squander it on old habits. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will look to Him.
Ephesians 3:21-22a
God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
L
Blessings by Laura Story
Of course, these are childhood dreams, but even at a young age when you are busy making lofty plans for yourself, you have the sensibility that not everything will turn out as you plan - you may, for instance have to settle for a doctor instead of an architect. But we can hardly imagine how our futures will really unfold.
The dream is actually quite simple, and one that has been repeated over and over through history. Grow up, get an education, find a partner, get married, have children. Such a simple formula! I was perfectly right to spend hours dreaming of this outcome for my life because how could it possibly unfold any differently?
By the time I started college, I felt like I was well on my way to having all my childhood dreams fulfilled. I was still at a stage in my history where I had "Kissed Dating Goodbye" but I knew there were opportunities to build friendships with men all over the place. I was on track with my relationship with God; fervently sticking to my convictions, praying for purity of heart and mind, and avoiding temptation. My journal entries from this time in my life are packed with prayers for God to help me resist sin, in action and mind. I even admonished others to follow my example. (Which was no doubt incredibly annoying to my friends..) I met a few men my freshman year of college who I was instantly convinced would all make suitable "happily ever after" candidates. Mighty men of God, who were smart, kind, funny and attractive. I was endlessly optimistic about my prospects.
But then my world started to shift. I can't quite pinpoint when, but things started to change for me, and by sophomore year I was still delighted by the men in my world, but there was one in particular who I was convinced was my "happily ever after guy". So convinced, in fact that I stopped looking for anyone else. It is worth mentioning that this person was not exactly on board with my happily ever after plans. In fact, we often spent time talking about other women he was interested in.
Here is where things kind of went into a tailspin for me. I was like a kid who only wants to use the color red over and over again, when in fact there are lots of other amazing colors available. As much as my friends, and my parents tried to convince me to try another color, I was convinced the only one worth spending my time on was the color red. I had tunnel vision, and could not see beyond what was right in front of me.
You know what happens when you spend too much time on something that is leading down a dead end? You get discouraged. You get hurt. You get angry. I started to spend a lot of time with those emotions. In fact they flooded my heart and mind. I was mad at this man, I was mad at God, I was mad at myself. But I just couldn't stop. And then, depression started to creep in. But even then, I could not walk away, I held on for dear life and prayed it would work out.
It wasn't going to work out, but I would not know that for another year and a half. Yep, that's right. I spent three years just coloring with red, stubbornly refusing to consider any other color, even when sticking with the red one was hurting me. Three years. Even now when I think about it, I am overwhelmed by how much time that is, and how little I have to show for it. I believe God has a plan, and I am sure that part of his plan was for me to spend time with the color red, but I don't think he was planning for me to commit three years to it.
Allow me to be clear. I am not blaming this man at all. He tried a dozen ways to communicate that he was not interested in me the way I was in him. I just chose to ignore it. And I believe we both got something from our friendship. I am absolutely certain it was his words that helped me stay out of the hospital when I was at my emotional rock bottom. Our time together was not a waste, but it did not produce much fruit either.
Luke 13:6-7
Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’
I find it quite fitting that the man had been waiting for three years. After three years of little to no fruit, I cut the tree down. I ended my connection with the color red, and started to work on moving on. By this time I was almost done college, but also just trying to stay alive. Healing would not come for some time.
There are a few chapters to understanding how I got to where I am today, as a 30 year old single girl. There have been more tears cried, more personal pain, more anger with God than most people know. I had a pretty simple plan for a happy ending when I was a child. And when I was 16 I started to spiritually commit to that plan, with a feeling of assurance that my obedience would be rewarded. I started to guide my thoughts and actions toward allowing myself to be open to God's plan - my dreams come true.
I have been known to say that if you told 16 year old Lindsay that at age 30 I will still be single, 16 year old Lindsay would not even know how to move forward. Perhaps there is some wisdom to God's plan after all... If I had known then that I would have to wait for so long without my happy ending, my story would most certainly be different. Perhaps much darker. God took a chance with this particular plan though, since being single through my 20's was incredibly lonely, and a much more difficult path than I was counting on.
1 Corinthians 10:13 The Message
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.
God's word is true. I was pushed to my limit, but not past it. I have been on the edge many times, but He has continued to help me come through it. His plan for me was certainly outside what I had been dreaming of. And I am guilty of thinking God let me down, but it has been in my human weakness that I have felt that way; my God has never left me, and He HAS NOT let me down.
So what I am working on now is reflecting on the past, but not being overcome by it. My history is important, it has become a part of me, but the future is HIS alone. When I wrote about God's will, I spent no less than 2 hours researching how to know God's will. It's not so easy to figure it out. The only thing I am clear on is that we need to look to HIM. So that I what I am trying to do. I have spent years wrapped up in my own stuff, and since God has been so merciful as to bring me restoration, I refuse to squander it on old habits. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will look to Him.
Ephesians 3:21-22a
God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
L
Blessings by Laura Story
Sunday, January 29, 2012
My Plan, His Will
Today I have a less revealing secret to share, which only requires that my audience not to talk to my boss. I am hoping to move back to Canada, and have been searching for a job in the Toronto area for about 9 months. For those who don't know, my family moved to Maryland from Ontario about 14 years ago. In 2006 we became American citizens. But the thing is, that despite how blessed I have been living and working here, I want to go back to the homeland.
The process to be eligible to work in Canada as a social worker has not been too difficult, though it has been expensive. I have spent over $600 in less than a year to maintain registration with the Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers (OCSWSSW - catchy huh?) so that I can obtain employment in Ontario. I have been registered since April 2011, and I have been applying for jobs fairly regularly since then. I easily applied to 50 jobs. I have not heard back from one single job in that time, which is ridiculously discouraging.
So here is where things get tricky; is the lack of response from the good people of Canada God's way of saying he does not want me to move back to Canada, or is this simply another one of those really cool tests of faith being placed in my path? God's will is annoyingly tough to figure out.
My reasons for moving back are pretty extensive. First of all, if I am going to do it, I should be single when it happens, since in my experience, most American guys are not so keen on moving to Canada. They do like to quote the "Blame Canada" episode of South Park though. So, currently I am STILL single (there is a whole bunch of blogs on that topic in my future) and now is a good time to make such a life-altering move. In addition, I miss the culture there, the people and the pace of life. When I was in Barrie, Ont for a wedding a few years ago, I was overwhelmed by how happy I was surrounded by other Canadians, it felt perfect. As I drove home to MD from that trip, I kept feeling like I was leaving my home.
The overwhelming reason to try and return to Canada has a lot to do with my work, and what I do for a living. I like to help people. I'm trained to help people, and I am pretty good at it too. But in the US we have this broken health care system which is a significant barrier to me being able to help people the way I want to. In addition, the health care system here makes things worse for people who are already struggling, and I have no way to fix that. I'm a "fixer." It's in my nature to solve the problems of other people, and I can't fix this. I work with patients every day who have to make choices between a roof over their head or health care and I am tired of it. Let me be clear, Canada does not have a perfect system either, but it is a stronger, more cohesive system where everyone is in and no one is left out. Basic health care is a guarantee in Canada, which means as a social worker, I will get to spend more time doing what I love - helping people, and less time trying to figure out how to pay for it.
I think that the thing that is abundantly clear when you are trying to make a change in your life, is that we generally do not have as much control over that change as we want to. Not only that, but once we decide we want to do something, it is exceptionally easy to get all wrapped up in our own plans, and assume that because our plans are so big and wonderful, it must be what God wants for us.
Matthew 10:39 The Message
If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.
I'm already on to the idea that if I try and make this change in my own wisdom, I am likely to fail. But obedience is a difficult behavior to master, and even when I am trying to look to Him for the right path, I sometimes get caught up in myself, and lose my focus.
James 1:5-7 The Message
If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought.
When it comes to moving back to Canada, I am asking God for help, and I believe I have counted the cost. It will mean leaving my incredible family, and being a significant distance away from their loving shelter. It will involve leaving some incredible friends behind. There will be new and challenging things to learn since I have never worked in Canada before. It will certainly mean a time of isolation while I settle in; before I have made new connections. And possibly most distressing of all; it will mean giving up soft shell crab, because believe me, Ontario has no idea how to made a decent crab cake...
In many ways it is kind of crazy to take such an unnecessary step. Why change everything when I don't have to? The truth is, I have been feeling like I "have to" for a while now. I think everything needs to change. I am restless and feel this burden to step outside my comfort zone. So I have my big beautiful plan, but I am wise to the fact that God sometimes uses "MY" plan to unfold HIS plan. So, I am also on the lookout for a reason to stay; just in case.
I still think God's will pretty tough to figure out, but I know I will not see it unfold in my life unless I am looking to Him. There are times when we think we have figured out what God wants, and then everything changes and we are left wondering why we went down that path. When I was depressed, trying to figure out God's will was particularly irritating - why would God want me to be so sad? What could he have been going for there?
1 Peter 4:12-13 The Message
Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner.
There is a plan. We are a part of that plan. To understand that plan always be looking to Him. You are not alone, he didn't start working and then just get bored in the middle. He is carrying the plan to completion (Philippians 1:6) whether we can see it or not. And GLORY is just around the corner.
Thank God for that!
L
The process to be eligible to work in Canada as a social worker has not been too difficult, though it has been expensive. I have spent over $600 in less than a year to maintain registration with the Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers (OCSWSSW - catchy huh?) so that I can obtain employment in Ontario. I have been registered since April 2011, and I have been applying for jobs fairly regularly since then. I easily applied to 50 jobs. I have not heard back from one single job in that time, which is ridiculously discouraging.
So here is where things get tricky; is the lack of response from the good people of Canada God's way of saying he does not want me to move back to Canada, or is this simply another one of those really cool tests of faith being placed in my path? God's will is annoyingly tough to figure out.
My reasons for moving back are pretty extensive. First of all, if I am going to do it, I should be single when it happens, since in my experience, most American guys are not so keen on moving to Canada. They do like to quote the "Blame Canada" episode of South Park though. So, currently I am STILL single (there is a whole bunch of blogs on that topic in my future) and now is a good time to make such a life-altering move. In addition, I miss the culture there, the people and the pace of life. When I was in Barrie, Ont for a wedding a few years ago, I was overwhelmed by how happy I was surrounded by other Canadians, it felt perfect. As I drove home to MD from that trip, I kept feeling like I was leaving my home.
The overwhelming reason to try and return to Canada has a lot to do with my work, and what I do for a living. I like to help people. I'm trained to help people, and I am pretty good at it too. But in the US we have this broken health care system which is a significant barrier to me being able to help people the way I want to. In addition, the health care system here makes things worse for people who are already struggling, and I have no way to fix that. I'm a "fixer." It's in my nature to solve the problems of other people, and I can't fix this. I work with patients every day who have to make choices between a roof over their head or health care and I am tired of it. Let me be clear, Canada does not have a perfect system either, but it is a stronger, more cohesive system where everyone is in and no one is left out. Basic health care is a guarantee in Canada, which means as a social worker, I will get to spend more time doing what I love - helping people, and less time trying to figure out how to pay for it.
I think that the thing that is abundantly clear when you are trying to make a change in your life, is that we generally do not have as much control over that change as we want to. Not only that, but once we decide we want to do something, it is exceptionally easy to get all wrapped up in our own plans, and assume that because our plans are so big and wonderful, it must be what God wants for us.
Matthew 10:39 The Message
If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.
I'm already on to the idea that if I try and make this change in my own wisdom, I am likely to fail. But obedience is a difficult behavior to master, and even when I am trying to look to Him for the right path, I sometimes get caught up in myself, and lose my focus.
James 1:5-7 The Message
If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought.
When it comes to moving back to Canada, I am asking God for help, and I believe I have counted the cost. It will mean leaving my incredible family, and being a significant distance away from their loving shelter. It will involve leaving some incredible friends behind. There will be new and challenging things to learn since I have never worked in Canada before. It will certainly mean a time of isolation while I settle in; before I have made new connections. And possibly most distressing of all; it will mean giving up soft shell crab, because believe me, Ontario has no idea how to made a decent crab cake...
In many ways it is kind of crazy to take such an unnecessary step. Why change everything when I don't have to? The truth is, I have been feeling like I "have to" for a while now. I think everything needs to change. I am restless and feel this burden to step outside my comfort zone. So I have my big beautiful plan, but I am wise to the fact that God sometimes uses "MY" plan to unfold HIS plan. So, I am also on the lookout for a reason to stay; just in case.
I still think God's will pretty tough to figure out, but I know I will not see it unfold in my life unless I am looking to Him. There are times when we think we have figured out what God wants, and then everything changes and we are left wondering why we went down that path. When I was depressed, trying to figure out God's will was particularly irritating - why would God want me to be so sad? What could he have been going for there?
1 Peter 4:12-13 The Message
Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner.
There is a plan. We are a part of that plan. To understand that plan always be looking to Him. You are not alone, he didn't start working and then just get bored in the middle. He is carrying the plan to completion (Philippians 1:6) whether we can see it or not. And GLORY is just around the corner.
Thank God for that!
L
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Going Naked
Talking about my big bad secrets has been both terrifying and liberating. I really don't think God means for us to keep secrets like those, I suspect he would prefer we shine a light on all our struggles so that others can help us through it. Hiding things is clearly a human condition.
Genesis 2:25 The Message
The two of them, the Man and his Wife, were naked, but they felt no shame.
Genesis 3:7-10 The Message
Immediately the two of them did "see what's really going on"—saw themselves naked! They sewed fig leaves together as makeshift clothes for themselves.
When they heard the sound of God strolling in the garden in the evening breeze, the Man and his Wife hid in the trees of the garden, hid from God.
God called to the Man: "Where are you?"
He said, "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked. And I hid."
That's really not what God was going for. He was planning on having his people live in freedom, without shame. But we pretty much messed that up, and now we keep secrets all the time. During my struggles, I wrote the following poem. (For the record, I am of the mindset that poetry is only interesting to the person who writes it, but give it a chance here, I promise to read your melancholy poem sometime if you like.)
Illusions of Me
Face not reveling former defeat
When wistful image and heart meet
I smile so hidden thoughts won’t speak
Through this secret frown I keep
And hope this mask of mine not transparent
Displays the light heart that I just can’t
I let the outside become who I am
To friends whose blindness won’t understand
Completely accepting of what they see
Their illusions perceive a different me
I become the illusion they demand
Conform to this myth but unable to stand
A weak spirit, cancerous to my hope
Lames my joys and I cannot cope
I lose focus of the hand before my eye
Disbelief simple faith will fill the hole
That this remedy of grace will soothe the soul
I clasp my hands in fingered knot
Driving away depression demons I’ve fought
Letting each failure fall with each damp tear
Puddles of sin defeat and pain lie here
I open up an imprisoned heart to be free
Receive a flood of grace so heavenly
Forgiveness covering once permanent dismay
Finding renewal in a brand new day
When you have a secret like depression, alcoholism, pornography addiction, self injury, drug abuse, sexual assault, disordered eating, gambling, or any one of hundreds of other issues, you are not about to tell droves of people about how you are experiencing something totally outside God's plan; that you are actually naked under all those clothes (read: lies.)
And here's the kicker, of all the people that we hide from, the church tends to be number one. Christians are good people, they are just trying to do the right thing, but they have a habit of being a little high and mighty about some things. I always think about the Casting Crowns song, "Does Anybody Hear Her?"
"If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her"
I have totally been one of those lofty people. That's another human condition. Thinking that our sin is not as bad as another sin. God has been pretty clear about that one; sin is sin. There are no "degrees of sin." And yet, among Christians, sometimes we assign those degrees in our heads, and judge accordingly. This is not a great move on our part since if there is one theme in the Bible it's that ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23). We all need grace.
What would our churches be like if we revealed our secrets? What would they be like if we confessed our sin to each other as well as God? Well it would probably be a hot mess there for a while since knowing all those secrets would probably overwhelm us, but ultimately the idea of the church being the safest place to tell your secret is I'm pretty sure what God has been hoping for all along.
When I was struggling I did not have any interest in seeing a Christian counselor. I was afraid, and ashamed of what I was going through, and I was pretty sure a Christian therapist would tell me to confess and just pray it out. (Which is of course, not how they practice, but I didn't know that at the time). Since I had already tried the confessing and praying thing, I knew I was gonna need more help than that. I also avoided talking to people in the church about what I was going through for the same reason.
I fully believe we would blow the roof off our churches if we trusted the power of living in truth. Sure, I'm being idealistic, but if you can't be idealistic about radical revival in the church, there's really very little point in being a Christian at all. Because here's the thing - God wants radical change in his people. He does not want us to hide from him or each other. I wish I had a better grasp on that when I was busy keeping secrets.
Anyway, my big point here, is that no one is exempt from having secrets, because we all do. The question is, can we learn to trust each other more, and help each other attain the freedom that comes from living in the Light. I say, lose the fig leaves, just go naked.
L
Genesis 2:25 The Message
The two of them, the Man and his Wife, were naked, but they felt no shame.
Genesis 3:7-10 The Message
Immediately the two of them did "see what's really going on"—saw themselves naked! They sewed fig leaves together as makeshift clothes for themselves.
When they heard the sound of God strolling in the garden in the evening breeze, the Man and his Wife hid in the trees of the garden, hid from God.
God called to the Man: "Where are you?"
He said, "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked. And I hid."
That's really not what God was going for. He was planning on having his people live in freedom, without shame. But we pretty much messed that up, and now we keep secrets all the time. During my struggles, I wrote the following poem. (For the record, I am of the mindset that poetry is only interesting to the person who writes it, but give it a chance here, I promise to read your melancholy poem sometime if you like.)
Illusions of Me
My eyes look up to the glass
Paned
reflections of my pastFace not reveling former defeat
When wistful image and heart meet
I smile so hidden thoughts won’t speak
Through this secret frown I keep
And hope this mask of mine not transparent
Displays the light heart that I just can’t
I let the outside become who I am
To friends whose blindness won’t understand
Completely accepting of what they see
Their illusions perceive a different me
I become the illusion they demand
Conform to this myth but unable to stand
A weak spirit, cancerous to my hope
Lames my joys and I cannot cope
I lose focus of the hand before my eye
Disbelief simple faith will fill the hole
That this remedy of grace will soothe the soul
I clasp my hands in fingered knot
Driving away depression demons I’ve fought
Letting each failure fall with each damp tear
Puddles of sin defeat and pain lie here
I open up an imprisoned heart to be free
Receive a flood of grace so heavenly
Forgiveness covering once permanent dismay
Finding renewal in a brand new day
When you have a secret like depression, alcoholism, pornography addiction, self injury, drug abuse, sexual assault, disordered eating, gambling, or any one of hundreds of other issues, you are not about to tell droves of people about how you are experiencing something totally outside God's plan; that you are actually naked under all those clothes (read: lies.)
And here's the kicker, of all the people that we hide from, the church tends to be number one. Christians are good people, they are just trying to do the right thing, but they have a habit of being a little high and mighty about some things. I always think about the Casting Crowns song, "Does Anybody Hear Her?"
"If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her"
I have totally been one of those lofty people. That's another human condition. Thinking that our sin is not as bad as another sin. God has been pretty clear about that one; sin is sin. There are no "degrees of sin." And yet, among Christians, sometimes we assign those degrees in our heads, and judge accordingly. This is not a great move on our part since if there is one theme in the Bible it's that ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23). We all need grace.
What would our churches be like if we revealed our secrets? What would they be like if we confessed our sin to each other as well as God? Well it would probably be a hot mess there for a while since knowing all those secrets would probably overwhelm us, but ultimately the idea of the church being the safest place to tell your secret is I'm pretty sure what God has been hoping for all along.
When I was struggling I did not have any interest in seeing a Christian counselor. I was afraid, and ashamed of what I was going through, and I was pretty sure a Christian therapist would tell me to confess and just pray it out. (Which is of course, not how they practice, but I didn't know that at the time). Since I had already tried the confessing and praying thing, I knew I was gonna need more help than that. I also avoided talking to people in the church about what I was going through for the same reason.
I fully believe we would blow the roof off our churches if we trusted the power of living in truth. Sure, I'm being idealistic, but if you can't be idealistic about radical revival in the church, there's really very little point in being a Christian at all. Because here's the thing - God wants radical change in his people. He does not want us to hide from him or each other. I wish I had a better grasp on that when I was busy keeping secrets.
Anyway, my big point here, is that no one is exempt from having secrets, because we all do. The question is, can we learn to trust each other more, and help each other attain the freedom that comes from living in the Light. I say, lose the fig leaves, just go naked.
L
Restoration
I had a glorious childhood.
My formative years were pretty much awesome 24/7. I was energetic, curious, loud, imaginative and playful. My world consisted of two super fun parents, who read to me every night, put on puppet shows for me, encouraged me and when needed, disciplined me in a fair and loving way. I also had this really fun little sister, who was four years younger than me, and almost completely accepting of everything I told her. I think we lived a pretty simple life the four of us. Sure, we moved more often than the average family, and Lord knows my parents have spent more money on new carpet than most, but in general, we were just like everyone else. I met all those developmental milestones psychiatrists are always concerned about. I was a little impulsive, which led to several emergency room visits, and I was far too bossy, but otherwise, I was a normal kid.
When I looked at my life years later, seated in my therapist's office, it was pretty hard to think of anything that could have triggered the incredible mental pain I was now in. In particular, there was no identifiable reason for my problems with self injury. Many people who struggle with self harm have themselves been harmed in some way. They tend to be people who experienced mental and/or physical abuse, sexual assault, or trauma. There are many who present with an eating disorder, or a personality disorder. But not me. I had a pretty limited scope of what I could blame my problems on. As you can imagine, this pretty much made it worse.
As a licensed social worker myself, with the same license now, that my therapist had then, I can vouch for the fact that when a patient has an issue like depression or self injury, most times there is a catalyst for those problems. My poor therapist was stuck trying to help a young woman who had no explaination for why things suddenly started to suck and why they stayed that way. Without a point of origin to work with, coping with depression was a much harder task. Therapy visits could not center around having been abused and focusing on working through that experience. No such trauma had occured, I had a glorious childhood! Many times, in that office, I felt kind of stupid for being sad. What was there to be sad about?
So even within the mental health community I did not fit. I have already written about how once I started to stuggle, I didn't feel like my faith fit anymore either. I think this may be why my depression was resistant to treatment and lasted as long as it did. I didn't know anyone like me, and I felt incredibly isolated. And when the depression became a fully-formed all consuming, day to day reality, I also lost the ability and desire to write. Back in high school I had started fervently and diligently writing at least two pages every day. Prayers, stories, poems, I have a dozen journals packed with the moments of my life. Depression took my favorite way to sort out my feelings about friends, family, God and life, and held it as a prisoner of war.
Journal Entry, November 1, 2001
I feel so tremendously guilty for being depressed. I feel like I have let people down. I hate this so much and I can't free myself from it. I've tried, I really have!
So I get thinking, well maybe I'm not really depressed. I mean I just can't be. It's someone else's life, not mine. I don't believe this is real, it can't be! I'm a Christian, this is not supposed to happen to people like me.
The thing that scares me the most is: am I letting God down? I mean, I'm so sad, how can that be of God? If I am so sad, so broken, so messed up, does that mean God is not with me anymore? What did I do to end up here? Why am I so far from Him?
It was desperate entries like this one, which eventually led to me not wanting to write at all. I kept asking all these questions that I had no answers to, and it just made my frustration with depression worse. I stopped consistently journaling shortly after that entry.
Writing was pretty much reserved for school after that, and while I still wrote occasionally, I never really felt the same passion for it. That is, up until about a week ago, when the passion for writing and desire to get back to it, overwhelmed me and sparked the idea for this blog.
I had a glorious childhood. For a reason that is still not clear to me, I suffered with some inexplicable, overwhelming pain, and when that pain disappeared, my desire to write came back. And here I am, on the other side of something I was pretty convinced was going to last forever. I am being restored, and this little spot on the internet is a part of that restoration.
I Need You - The Swift
L
My formative years were pretty much awesome 24/7. I was energetic, curious, loud, imaginative and playful. My world consisted of two super fun parents, who read to me every night, put on puppet shows for me, encouraged me and when needed, disciplined me in a fair and loving way. I also had this really fun little sister, who was four years younger than me, and almost completely accepting of everything I told her. I think we lived a pretty simple life the four of us. Sure, we moved more often than the average family, and Lord knows my parents have spent more money on new carpet than most, but in general, we were just like everyone else. I met all those developmental milestones psychiatrists are always concerned about. I was a little impulsive, which led to several emergency room visits, and I was far too bossy, but otherwise, I was a normal kid.
When I looked at my life years later, seated in my therapist's office, it was pretty hard to think of anything that could have triggered the incredible mental pain I was now in. In particular, there was no identifiable reason for my problems with self injury. Many people who struggle with self harm have themselves been harmed in some way. They tend to be people who experienced mental and/or physical abuse, sexual assault, or trauma. There are many who present with an eating disorder, or a personality disorder. But not me. I had a pretty limited scope of what I could blame my problems on. As you can imagine, this pretty much made it worse.
As a licensed social worker myself, with the same license now, that my therapist had then, I can vouch for the fact that when a patient has an issue like depression or self injury, most times there is a catalyst for those problems. My poor therapist was stuck trying to help a young woman who had no explaination for why things suddenly started to suck and why they stayed that way. Without a point of origin to work with, coping with depression was a much harder task. Therapy visits could not center around having been abused and focusing on working through that experience. No such trauma had occured, I had a glorious childhood! Many times, in that office, I felt kind of stupid for being sad. What was there to be sad about?
So even within the mental health community I did not fit. I have already written about how once I started to stuggle, I didn't feel like my faith fit anymore either. I think this may be why my depression was resistant to treatment and lasted as long as it did. I didn't know anyone like me, and I felt incredibly isolated. And when the depression became a fully-formed all consuming, day to day reality, I also lost the ability and desire to write. Back in high school I had started fervently and diligently writing at least two pages every day. Prayers, stories, poems, I have a dozen journals packed with the moments of my life. Depression took my favorite way to sort out my feelings about friends, family, God and life, and held it as a prisoner of war.
Journal Entry, November 1, 2001
I feel so tremendously guilty for being depressed. I feel like I have let people down. I hate this so much and I can't free myself from it. I've tried, I really have!
So I get thinking, well maybe I'm not really depressed. I mean I just can't be. It's someone else's life, not mine. I don't believe this is real, it can't be! I'm a Christian, this is not supposed to happen to people like me.
The thing that scares me the most is: am I letting God down? I mean, I'm so sad, how can that be of God? If I am so sad, so broken, so messed up, does that mean God is not with me anymore? What did I do to end up here? Why am I so far from Him?
It was desperate entries like this one, which eventually led to me not wanting to write at all. I kept asking all these questions that I had no answers to, and it just made my frustration with depression worse. I stopped consistently journaling shortly after that entry.
Writing was pretty much reserved for school after that, and while I still wrote occasionally, I never really felt the same passion for it. That is, up until about a week ago, when the passion for writing and desire to get back to it, overwhelmed me and sparked the idea for this blog.
I had a glorious childhood. For a reason that is still not clear to me, I suffered with some inexplicable, overwhelming pain, and when that pain disappeared, my desire to write came back. And here I am, on the other side of something I was pretty convinced was going to last forever. I am being restored, and this little spot on the internet is a part of that restoration.
I Need You - The Swift
L
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