When I was depressed, I didn't write.
The reason I did not write is because writing about how I was feeling made it worse. Any good therapist out there will make a recommendation to a depressed young woman to start journaling. (This is both useful for the patient and the therapist.) I like writing. I have always liked it. When I was in fourth grade, our teacher gave out some Halloween paper, and asked us to write a one page Halloween story. I went ahead and wrote 10 pages - so many that she told me I could not have any more special Halloween stationary. When I was 13, I wrote the most depressing, emo "book" that one has ever laid eyes on. After about 120 pages worth of writing I realized it was completely awful, and in a fit of teenage angst, decided to throw it out (which I truly do not regret - it was NOT good.) And then, when I renewed my committment to my faith, I started writing every single day, without fail, documenting my life, as well as my journey of faith.
Writing has always been something I loved, but when depression moved into my life, I couldn't stand to document it. As a teenager I never worried about others reading my diary - in fact I kind of enjoyed sharing it with captive sleepover friends. As a college student, I was mostly writing about my faith and my adoration for men who were "just not that into me." I never wrote things that were much of a secret; my writing had never been about secrets. But when depression set in, and then self injury, writing about it was overwhelmingly embarassing, and shameful. And since I could not write honestly anymore, without being overcome with frustration, anger, and guilt, I pretty much stopped. Writing made me feel worse.
Not being able to write forced me to look outside myself for an outlet. And as much as I love God, he was not my favorite person during that time, and I felt completely distant from my faith. I have incredible parents, but the distress I was experiencing exceeded their skill-set, and I was not able to share all my secrets with them. So I started seeing a therapist. In all, I have had four therapists since that first one in my sophomore year of college. Having someone who was prepared to listen to me talk about every awful feeling I was experiencing, and then holding me accountable to working towards change, was my lifeline.
Even now, I can't help but wish my faith had been strong enough to sustain me, but depression blocked the connection I had always felt to my faith. I still believed everything I had been raised with, but in some ways, that made my struggle much harder. I was once one of those people who believed you can pray depression out of someone's life. But when it was happening to me, I realized it just was not gonna be that simple.
I started taking an antidepressant in the summer before my junior year. I was ashamed, and felt silly, as though maybe this depression stuff wasn't really bad enough to warrant such a drastic measure. I kept it a secret for about 3 months, which, for anyone who knows me, is completely amazing since my life is pretty much an open book. Even once I told people, I still struggled with whether or not I really needed medication at all. I kept thinking I was "faking" and making a bigger deal about my mood than it really was.
When I was about 5 years old, I was playing with my friends on the swings in their backyard. The swingset had a slide, and when I went down it, I landed kind of funny. I was not hurt at all, but all my friends were so worried! My friend Matthew even offered me his Smarties so I would feel better. So I just went with it. I pretended I had hurt myself, because the attention felt pretty darn good.
As a young adult, I was truly afraid that I was repeating that scenario. I had already started studying mental health, and I knew enough to know, that there are people who do that - manipulate others, or fake illness to get attention. I was so afraid that I was becoming one of those people. Ironically it was my inability to write that signaled to me that my problems were real. The frustration I felt in not being able to connect to that part of myself highlighted how real my issue was.
I guess my point with all of this, is that if you are someone who is struggling, don't underestimate the impact it can have on your life, and the damage it can do. I was worried about what my parents would think, or what getting help would mean, or how people would see me and it took far too long for me to start the work that needed to be done to get back to a mood equilibrium. I kept a lot of secrets back then, and secrets have a way of tearing at your insides, and distancing you from the love and support of others.
When I started writing this blog, several people reached out to me, and wanted to know if they could have done more to help me. The truth is, I had no idea how to ask or truly receieve help. I was all mixed up, and even with numerous friends and supports in place, I felt alone.
If you are hurting, if you are questioning what the heck God is doing, or why He is taking you through such a desert, ask for help. Ask for help over and over, as though you were drowing and in need of a lifeguard, and when someone reached out their hand to you, grab hold.
Our Savior does not want us to drown, but He will allow us to be tested by fire. God allowed Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego to be thrown into the fire, and then he delivered them from it. (Dan 3:19-28)
1 Peter 1:3-7 (The Message)
What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all—life healed and whole.
I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.
Depression, anxiety, self injury, hopelessness, none of these things are from God, but faith put through suffering comes out proved genuine. That's who I am now, I am someone who has been refined by fire, and my faith is proved genuine! Those trials were terrifying, and painful, but even when I was in the fire, I would try to connect to God. Maybe only for a moment, maybe without knowing if I would be really heard, but I kept praying. I never stopped believing. How blessed I am that this faith I grew up with was tested by fire, and God will have it on display as evidence of HIS victory! And now, I can write again. HIS victory indeed!
L
Rack, Shack & Benny
Monday, February 27, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Valentine
I have only had one Valentine's Day in my life which included a boyfriend, which is kinda sad, but that does not make it any less true. That Valentine's with a boyfriend pretty much rocked. I am a big fan of having a boyfriend for Valentine's Day. While my boyfriend would later reveal himself to be a man of poor character, that year I could not have been more delighted to be in a relationship. There were roses, teddy bears, cards and letters. It was completely marvelous.
As far as Valentine's Day goes, I have always been at pretty much at peace with the holiday. While there have been far too many of them spent as a single girl, my friends and family have always kept the day pretty sweet. My mom always sends a card and a couple dollars, or a little gift, my grandparents like to send a little money too (being one of only 2 grandchildren has its perks!), and then at work I bring in some candy, wear pink, and try not to think about how I'll be spending the evening alone. I don't bother being depressed, because it is just ONE day, and the all the love will be over by tomorrow, so I can muddle through.
1 Corinthians 7:17, The Message.
And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.
And with a promise like that one, how could I be sad? And despite my penchant for unreasonable sadness, I tend to be an optomist when it comes to this day. I always think ahead to the future and hope that "next year I will have a Valentine." And quite frankly I would rather have a quality Valentine over a boyfriend that will later cheat on me...
I only remember one other Valentine's Day in my life. I was in fourth grade and completely in love with a boy whom I will call Tyler Griffin (for complete and total privacy purposes). Tyler had started at our school at the tail end of third grade, and I prided myself on not falling in love with him right away, since on his first day, he demonstrated questionable judgement by jumping in mud puddles on the baseball field at recess. I mean what girl wants a muddy boyfriend? No, it took time for my love of Tyler to grow. By the time Valentine's Day rolled around, I was ready to passive aggressively share my feelings by sending him a "Secret Admirer" Valentine. Now those were the days when we all exchanged Valentines with every kid in the class, even the ones who were smelly or ate paste. So I gave a Valentine to every kid in the class, just like everyone else, but for Tyler, I gave the prettiest, most feelings-revealing card. But when you are in fourth grade, you don't always think things through. When Tyler received his secret admirer card, he promptly went through his stack of Valentines and used process of elimination (along with a group of eager, laughing, secret-busting peers) to reveal that the only person who had not given him a Valentine was me, and thus, the secret admirer card was clearly from me. When Tyler and his cohorts asked me if the admirer was me, I of course denied knowing anything about such ridiculousness. They were not fooled by my stellar acting skills, and thus, the secret was out, followed by too many giggles at my expense. It was a very disappointing Valentine's Day.
I figure Valentine's Day is pretty simple as an adult, and I'm pretty thankful I do not have to experience such stressful and embarassing situations anymore. For the record, the following year I was still in love with Tyler, and was clever enough to remember to give him a "regular" Valentine in addition to the secret admirer one -- nailed it.
Ultimately even the people who are a part of a couple on this day get that this one day is not that big a deal. That helps make it a little easier too. Mostly I just want to be clear that I am not nearly as bitter about this particular holiday as most single people are... In fact this day is an anniversary for me. I became a Christian on this day, in 1986 and then 10 years and one day later, I was water baptized. So today I will remember to celebrate what an incredible gift I have been given - one that will outlast any roses or teddy bears, the gift of eternity in Heaven with the lover of my soul.
1 John 4:13-16 The Message
This is how we know we're living steadily and deeply in him, and he in us: He's given us life from his life, from his very own Spirit. Also, we've seen for ourselves and continue to state openly that the Father sent his Son as Savior of the world. Everyone who confesses that Jesus is God's Son participates continuously in an intimate relationship with God. We know it so well, we've embraced it heart and soul, this love that comes from God.
My God is Love. I will continue to hope, seek and pray for God's will to be done in revealing my Earthly Valentine to me. And while I wait, I will hold on to his promise, his salvation, and his incredible Love.
L
As far as Valentine's Day goes, I have always been at pretty much at peace with the holiday. While there have been far too many of them spent as a single girl, my friends and family have always kept the day pretty sweet. My mom always sends a card and a couple dollars, or a little gift, my grandparents like to send a little money too (being one of only 2 grandchildren has its perks!), and then at work I bring in some candy, wear pink, and try not to think about how I'll be spending the evening alone. I don't bother being depressed, because it is just ONE day, and the all the love will be over by tomorrow, so I can muddle through.
1 Corinthians 7:17, The Message.
And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.
And with a promise like that one, how could I be sad? And despite my penchant for unreasonable sadness, I tend to be an optomist when it comes to this day. I always think ahead to the future and hope that "next year I will have a Valentine." And quite frankly I would rather have a quality Valentine over a boyfriend that will later cheat on me...
I only remember one other Valentine's Day in my life. I was in fourth grade and completely in love with a boy whom I will call Tyler Griffin (for complete and total privacy purposes). Tyler had started at our school at the tail end of third grade, and I prided myself on not falling in love with him right away, since on his first day, he demonstrated questionable judgement by jumping in mud puddles on the baseball field at recess. I mean what girl wants a muddy boyfriend? No, it took time for my love of Tyler to grow. By the time Valentine's Day rolled around, I was ready to passive aggressively share my feelings by sending him a "Secret Admirer" Valentine. Now those were the days when we all exchanged Valentines with every kid in the class, even the ones who were smelly or ate paste. So I gave a Valentine to every kid in the class, just like everyone else, but for Tyler, I gave the prettiest, most feelings-revealing card. But when you are in fourth grade, you don't always think things through. When Tyler received his secret admirer card, he promptly went through his stack of Valentines and used process of elimination (along with a group of eager, laughing, secret-busting peers) to reveal that the only person who had not given him a Valentine was me, and thus, the secret admirer card was clearly from me. When Tyler and his cohorts asked me if the admirer was me, I of course denied knowing anything about such ridiculousness. They were not fooled by my stellar acting skills, and thus, the secret was out, followed by too many giggles at my expense. It was a very disappointing Valentine's Day.
I figure Valentine's Day is pretty simple as an adult, and I'm pretty thankful I do not have to experience such stressful and embarassing situations anymore. For the record, the following year I was still in love with Tyler, and was clever enough to remember to give him a "regular" Valentine in addition to the secret admirer one -- nailed it.
Ultimately even the people who are a part of a couple on this day get that this one day is not that big a deal. That helps make it a little easier too. Mostly I just want to be clear that I am not nearly as bitter about this particular holiday as most single people are... In fact this day is an anniversary for me. I became a Christian on this day, in 1986 and then 10 years and one day later, I was water baptized. So today I will remember to celebrate what an incredible gift I have been given - one that will outlast any roses or teddy bears, the gift of eternity in Heaven with the lover of my soul.
1 John 4:13-16 The Message
This is how we know we're living steadily and deeply in him, and he in us: He's given us life from his life, from his very own Spirit. Also, we've seen for ourselves and continue to state openly that the Father sent his Son as Savior of the world. Everyone who confesses that Jesus is God's Son participates continuously in an intimate relationship with God. We know it so well, we've embraced it heart and soul, this love that comes from God.
My God is Love. I will continue to hope, seek and pray for God's will to be done in revealing my Earthly Valentine to me. And while I wait, I will hold on to his promise, his salvation, and his incredible Love.
L
Thursday, February 9, 2012
While I'm Waiting
So we know how 16 year old Lindsay would react to still being single, but the big question is how does 30 year old Lindsay feel about it. Well, I have my good days (which have been a little more frequent lately) and my bad days, which have pretty much ruled my time in the last 5 years.
It is very hard being single! I have had a couple instances where I returned to being with a man that I already know is not "the one" simply because it is nice to not be alone. Some people are perplexed why I would "waste" my time on a relationship that I know is not right. Those people don't know what it is like to be alone. I'm not trying for a pity party here - "Oh Lindsay, she's so sad and all alone." I am just trying to tell it like it is. When I struggle with stuff, I am on my own. When I have a craptastic day, I don't have anyone to talk to (except my patient mother). When I have to make tough decisions there is no one to weigh them with. I know marriage is hard, I am certain of it. I know that being part of a duo is not always great. But I also know being alone is harder.
1 Corinthians 7:8 The Message
I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.
Dude! Paul speaks the truth on this one! I have given singleness a shot, I have spent years perfecting it, and you know what? It is NOT for me. Of course, if you keep reading the chapter, Paul expands on his views of marriage:
1 Corinthians 7:32-35 The Message
I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.
Drat! So all this time, when I was all kinds of fixated on how much it sucks to be single, I was supposed to use that time to concentrate on God? Yeah, I have not exactly done that. Apparently all this time I have been "free" but I have let my displeasure with God's timing wrap me up in chains. I let that displeasure (let's just call it anger) be a major distraction for me.
So now what?
The thing is, for all the time I have spent being angry at God, and crying about being single, I truly believe I have been growing. In my humanness, I still wish God would bring someone into my life on my timetable, but in my spirit, I know that God has his reasons for what I perceive to be Him holding out on me. I once said to my dad, that even if God brought someone into my life in this moment, and I could live "happily ever after" I would still be mad at Him for making me wait so long. I really wish that wasn't true, but it is. So that is what I am working on - having peace about God's plans for me. It's probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, is to let go of that anger about my perceived injustice in God's timing. Am I alone here? Have you ever thought that God was being unfair, or holding out on you? What is the thing that you got mad at God for?
I also have these moments when I feel like such a dummy for being so mad at God about something that is obviously not the only important thing in life.
"Can you worship a God who isn't obligated to explain His actions to you? Could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation?" ~ Francis Chan
For too many years I have been thinking that God owes me an explanation. In fact I became so mad at Him, I knew I would demand an explanation even if I got what I wanted. It has taken far too long to move beyond that arrogance and start to channel my energy towards being obedient, and accepting that God doesn't answer to me. I am to answer to Him.
I'm not good at letting other people have control. No, really, I suck at it. So when it comes to letting an abstract force have control, I generally let God have the reigns for all of 2 seconds before I decide He is not doing it right, or He must need my help. I am one of those people who takes it to the altar, and then after I have prayed, I go ahead and pick it back up again. God's busy, I can manage this myself. But can I really?
Psalm 37:4-8 New Living Translation
Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit everything you do to the LORD.
Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
Be still in the presence of the LORD,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.
Stop being angry!
Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper—
it only leads to harm.
The Word is pretty clear. Delight in who God is, have some peace and listen to Him, and above all, stop being mad, get over your issue because it's just going to destroy you, and the promise is that God will meet your need.
It is hard to believe, and it is even harder to practice. But I am trying. I am looking to Him, and trying. I may have wasted time not seeking Him first in my singleness, but that only made my sadness and restlessness worse. It's time to change my game plan. It's absolutely time to commit to serving him while I wait.
While I'm Waiting - John Waller
L
It is very hard being single! I have had a couple instances where I returned to being with a man that I already know is not "the one" simply because it is nice to not be alone. Some people are perplexed why I would "waste" my time on a relationship that I know is not right. Those people don't know what it is like to be alone. I'm not trying for a pity party here - "Oh Lindsay, she's so sad and all alone." I am just trying to tell it like it is. When I struggle with stuff, I am on my own. When I have a craptastic day, I don't have anyone to talk to (except my patient mother). When I have to make tough decisions there is no one to weigh them with. I know marriage is hard, I am certain of it. I know that being part of a duo is not always great. But I also know being alone is harder.
1 Corinthians 7:8 The Message
I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.
Dude! Paul speaks the truth on this one! I have given singleness a shot, I have spent years perfecting it, and you know what? It is NOT for me. Of course, if you keep reading the chapter, Paul expands on his views of marriage:
1 Corinthians 7:32-35 The Message
I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.
Drat! So all this time, when I was all kinds of fixated on how much it sucks to be single, I was supposed to use that time to concentrate on God? Yeah, I have not exactly done that. Apparently all this time I have been "free" but I have let my displeasure with God's timing wrap me up in chains. I let that displeasure (let's just call it anger) be a major distraction for me.
So now what?
The thing is, for all the time I have spent being angry at God, and crying about being single, I truly believe I have been growing. In my humanness, I still wish God would bring someone into my life on my timetable, but in my spirit, I know that God has his reasons for what I perceive to be Him holding out on me. I once said to my dad, that even if God brought someone into my life in this moment, and I could live "happily ever after" I would still be mad at Him for making me wait so long. I really wish that wasn't true, but it is. So that is what I am working on - having peace about God's plans for me. It's probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, is to let go of that anger about my perceived injustice in God's timing. Am I alone here? Have you ever thought that God was being unfair, or holding out on you? What is the thing that you got mad at God for?
I also have these moments when I feel like such a dummy for being so mad at God about something that is obviously not the only important thing in life.
"Can you worship a God who isn't obligated to explain His actions to you? Could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation?" ~ Francis Chan
For too many years I have been thinking that God owes me an explanation. In fact I became so mad at Him, I knew I would demand an explanation even if I got what I wanted. It has taken far too long to move beyond that arrogance and start to channel my energy towards being obedient, and accepting that God doesn't answer to me. I am to answer to Him.
I'm not good at letting other people have control. No, really, I suck at it. So when it comes to letting an abstract force have control, I generally let God have the reigns for all of 2 seconds before I decide He is not doing it right, or He must need my help. I am one of those people who takes it to the altar, and then after I have prayed, I go ahead and pick it back up again. God's busy, I can manage this myself. But can I really?
Psalm 37:4-8 New Living Translation
Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit everything you do to the LORD.
Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
Be still in the presence of the LORD,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.
Stop being angry!
Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper—
it only leads to harm.
The Word is pretty clear. Delight in who God is, have some peace and listen to Him, and above all, stop being mad, get over your issue because it's just going to destroy you, and the promise is that God will meet your need.
It is hard to believe, and it is even harder to practice. But I am trying. I am looking to Him, and trying. I may have wasted time not seeking Him first in my singleness, but that only made my sadness and restlessness worse. It's time to change my game plan. It's absolutely time to commit to serving him while I wait.
While I'm Waiting - John Waller
L
Monday, February 6, 2012
Dreams
If you were a little girl once; do you remember when you were little, and you dreamt about getting married and having babies? In my girlie childhood, I spent quite a bit of time planning this future for myself. I decided I would marry an architect when I was about 22, and I would have two children, because everything in the world is designed for a family of four. I would want girls (mostly because when you are a girl yourself, you can't imagine having to spend too much time with a little boy) and we would build a lovely house (that me and my architect husband designed) and live happily ever after.
Of course, these are childhood dreams, but even at a young age when you are busy making lofty plans for yourself, you have the sensibility that not everything will turn out as you plan - you may, for instance have to settle for a doctor instead of an architect. But we can hardly imagine how our futures will really unfold.
The dream is actually quite simple, and one that has been repeated over and over through history. Grow up, get an education, find a partner, get married, have children. Such a simple formula! I was perfectly right to spend hours dreaming of this outcome for my life because how could it possibly unfold any differently?
By the time I started college, I felt like I was well on my way to having all my childhood dreams fulfilled. I was still at a stage in my history where I had "Kissed Dating Goodbye" but I knew there were opportunities to build friendships with men all over the place. I was on track with my relationship with God; fervently sticking to my convictions, praying for purity of heart and mind, and avoiding temptation. My journal entries from this time in my life are packed with prayers for God to help me resist sin, in action and mind. I even admonished others to follow my example. (Which was no doubt incredibly annoying to my friends..) I met a few men my freshman year of college who I was instantly convinced would all make suitable "happily ever after" candidates. Mighty men of God, who were smart, kind, funny and attractive. I was endlessly optimistic about my prospects.
But then my world started to shift. I can't quite pinpoint when, but things started to change for me, and by sophomore year I was still delighted by the men in my world, but there was one in particular who I was convinced was my "happily ever after guy". So convinced, in fact that I stopped looking for anyone else. It is worth mentioning that this person was not exactly on board with my happily ever after plans. In fact, we often spent time talking about other women he was interested in.
Here is where things kind of went into a tailspin for me. I was like a kid who only wants to use the color red over and over again, when in fact there are lots of other amazing colors available. As much as my friends, and my parents tried to convince me to try another color, I was convinced the only one worth spending my time on was the color red. I had tunnel vision, and could not see beyond what was right in front of me.
You know what happens when you spend too much time on something that is leading down a dead end? You get discouraged. You get hurt. You get angry. I started to spend a lot of time with those emotions. In fact they flooded my heart and mind. I was mad at this man, I was mad at God, I was mad at myself. But I just couldn't stop. And then, depression started to creep in. But even then, I could not walk away, I held on for dear life and prayed it would work out.
It wasn't going to work out, but I would not know that for another year and a half. Yep, that's right. I spent three years just coloring with red, stubbornly refusing to consider any other color, even when sticking with the red one was hurting me. Three years. Even now when I think about it, I am overwhelmed by how much time that is, and how little I have to show for it. I believe God has a plan, and I am sure that part of his plan was for me to spend time with the color red, but I don't think he was planning for me to commit three years to it.
Allow me to be clear. I am not blaming this man at all. He tried a dozen ways to communicate that he was not interested in me the way I was in him. I just chose to ignore it. And I believe we both got something from our friendship. I am absolutely certain it was his words that helped me stay out of the hospital when I was at my emotional rock bottom. Our time together was not a waste, but it did not produce much fruit either.
Luke 13:6-7
Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’
I find it quite fitting that the man had been waiting for three years. After three years of little to no fruit, I cut the tree down. I ended my connection with the color red, and started to work on moving on. By this time I was almost done college, but also just trying to stay alive. Healing would not come for some time.
There are a few chapters to understanding how I got to where I am today, as a 30 year old single girl. There have been more tears cried, more personal pain, more anger with God than most people know. I had a pretty simple plan for a happy ending when I was a child. And when I was 16 I started to spiritually commit to that plan, with a feeling of assurance that my obedience would be rewarded. I started to guide my thoughts and actions toward allowing myself to be open to God's plan - my dreams come true.
I have been known to say that if you told 16 year old Lindsay that at age 30 I will still be single, 16 year old Lindsay would not even know how to move forward. Perhaps there is some wisdom to God's plan after all... If I had known then that I would have to wait for so long without my happy ending, my story would most certainly be different. Perhaps much darker. God took a chance with this particular plan though, since being single through my 20's was incredibly lonely, and a much more difficult path than I was counting on.
1 Corinthians 10:13 The Message
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.
God's word is true. I was pushed to my limit, but not past it. I have been on the edge many times, but He has continued to help me come through it. His plan for me was certainly outside what I had been dreaming of. And I am guilty of thinking God let me down, but it has been in my human weakness that I have felt that way; my God has never left me, and He HAS NOT let me down.
So what I am working on now is reflecting on the past, but not being overcome by it. My history is important, it has become a part of me, but the future is HIS alone. When I wrote about God's will, I spent no less than 2 hours researching how to know God's will. It's not so easy to figure it out. The only thing I am clear on is that we need to look to HIM. So that I what I am trying to do. I have spent years wrapped up in my own stuff, and since God has been so merciful as to bring me restoration, I refuse to squander it on old habits. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will look to Him.
Ephesians 3:21-22a
God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
L
Blessings by Laura Story
Of course, these are childhood dreams, but even at a young age when you are busy making lofty plans for yourself, you have the sensibility that not everything will turn out as you plan - you may, for instance have to settle for a doctor instead of an architect. But we can hardly imagine how our futures will really unfold.
The dream is actually quite simple, and one that has been repeated over and over through history. Grow up, get an education, find a partner, get married, have children. Such a simple formula! I was perfectly right to spend hours dreaming of this outcome for my life because how could it possibly unfold any differently?
By the time I started college, I felt like I was well on my way to having all my childhood dreams fulfilled. I was still at a stage in my history where I had "Kissed Dating Goodbye" but I knew there were opportunities to build friendships with men all over the place. I was on track with my relationship with God; fervently sticking to my convictions, praying for purity of heart and mind, and avoiding temptation. My journal entries from this time in my life are packed with prayers for God to help me resist sin, in action and mind. I even admonished others to follow my example. (Which was no doubt incredibly annoying to my friends..) I met a few men my freshman year of college who I was instantly convinced would all make suitable "happily ever after" candidates. Mighty men of God, who were smart, kind, funny and attractive. I was endlessly optimistic about my prospects.
But then my world started to shift. I can't quite pinpoint when, but things started to change for me, and by sophomore year I was still delighted by the men in my world, but there was one in particular who I was convinced was my "happily ever after guy". So convinced, in fact that I stopped looking for anyone else. It is worth mentioning that this person was not exactly on board with my happily ever after plans. In fact, we often spent time talking about other women he was interested in.
Here is where things kind of went into a tailspin for me. I was like a kid who only wants to use the color red over and over again, when in fact there are lots of other amazing colors available. As much as my friends, and my parents tried to convince me to try another color, I was convinced the only one worth spending my time on was the color red. I had tunnel vision, and could not see beyond what was right in front of me.
You know what happens when you spend too much time on something that is leading down a dead end? You get discouraged. You get hurt. You get angry. I started to spend a lot of time with those emotions. In fact they flooded my heart and mind. I was mad at this man, I was mad at God, I was mad at myself. But I just couldn't stop. And then, depression started to creep in. But even then, I could not walk away, I held on for dear life and prayed it would work out.
It wasn't going to work out, but I would not know that for another year and a half. Yep, that's right. I spent three years just coloring with red, stubbornly refusing to consider any other color, even when sticking with the red one was hurting me. Three years. Even now when I think about it, I am overwhelmed by how much time that is, and how little I have to show for it. I believe God has a plan, and I am sure that part of his plan was for me to spend time with the color red, but I don't think he was planning for me to commit three years to it.
Allow me to be clear. I am not blaming this man at all. He tried a dozen ways to communicate that he was not interested in me the way I was in him. I just chose to ignore it. And I believe we both got something from our friendship. I am absolutely certain it was his words that helped me stay out of the hospital when I was at my emotional rock bottom. Our time together was not a waste, but it did not produce much fruit either.
Luke 13:6-7
Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’
I find it quite fitting that the man had been waiting for three years. After three years of little to no fruit, I cut the tree down. I ended my connection with the color red, and started to work on moving on. By this time I was almost done college, but also just trying to stay alive. Healing would not come for some time.
There are a few chapters to understanding how I got to where I am today, as a 30 year old single girl. There have been more tears cried, more personal pain, more anger with God than most people know. I had a pretty simple plan for a happy ending when I was a child. And when I was 16 I started to spiritually commit to that plan, with a feeling of assurance that my obedience would be rewarded. I started to guide my thoughts and actions toward allowing myself to be open to God's plan - my dreams come true.
I have been known to say that if you told 16 year old Lindsay that at age 30 I will still be single, 16 year old Lindsay would not even know how to move forward. Perhaps there is some wisdom to God's plan after all... If I had known then that I would have to wait for so long without my happy ending, my story would most certainly be different. Perhaps much darker. God took a chance with this particular plan though, since being single through my 20's was incredibly lonely, and a much more difficult path than I was counting on.
1 Corinthians 10:13 The Message
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.
God's word is true. I was pushed to my limit, but not past it. I have been on the edge many times, but He has continued to help me come through it. His plan for me was certainly outside what I had been dreaming of. And I am guilty of thinking God let me down, but it has been in my human weakness that I have felt that way; my God has never left me, and He HAS NOT let me down.
So what I am working on now is reflecting on the past, but not being overcome by it. My history is important, it has become a part of me, but the future is HIS alone. When I wrote about God's will, I spent no less than 2 hours researching how to know God's will. It's not so easy to figure it out. The only thing I am clear on is that we need to look to HIM. So that I what I am trying to do. I have spent years wrapped up in my own stuff, and since God has been so merciful as to bring me restoration, I refuse to squander it on old habits. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will look to Him.
Ephesians 3:21-22a
God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
L
Blessings by Laura Story
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)