Mom

I'm not a mother.

Now that my greatest dream has come true, and I have found the most wonderful man to share my life with, the next goal in my life is to become a mom.

It's shocking reallly.

When you spend your 20's being single and totally self-absorbed, it is not uncommon to have a hard time picturing children in your life. Your life is all about you. Taking care of you, doing the things YOU like, spending your time YOUR way. It was really hard for me to think seriously about being a parent someday. And that's ok! How can you expect someone who is doing their best just to survive, someone who is paying their dues with horrible dates, someone who is broken by not meeting Mr. Right, to think about being a parent?

That's just crazy.

One day, a couple years ago I was at my parent's church when an evangelist was there. I know he meant well, but his whole sermon was about how young people are delaying marriage for their own purposes, delaying children and potentially eliminating the grandparent generation.

I was SO upset by his comments, I left the service. (the ONLY time I have ever walked out of a church service). I was SO mad that this man was assuming that I was delaying marriage and my happily ever after, on purpose. It broke me that there were people who loved GOD who thought I would delay marriage and children on purpose! I thought I was ready for marriage and children long ago, so being accused of delaying that step in my life on purpose got under my skin in a way that I clearly can't forget.

God! I wanted to be married LONG ago - but you made me wait. Because it was your GOOD, and PERFECT plan for me. Not because I wanted to, but because God knows more than me.

And thank goodness he does!

If you had asked me even three years ago if I wanted children, I would have looked at you with a semi-blank stare. It was almost impossible for me to picture kids, when I couldn't picture happily-ever-after. But along with the love of my life, came something remarkable - the desire, and prayerful wish, to have a child.

Think about the journey it takes to decide to have a child.

Sure, lots of people have kids without thinking too much about it. But when you go through trials like I did, and look to the Heavens wondering if God will help you stay alive, it's REALLY hard to imagine that he will bestow the desire to be a parent within your heart.

Since getting married, the desire to be a Mom has grown so much stronger! Sure, my 33-year-old biological clock also factors in to those desires, but more than that, I am struck by the opportunity to bring life into the world, honor God with that gift, and stay open to HIS perfect will for our lives.

Again - it won't be easy for me. Marrying my lovely Jewish husband put a significant challenge in my life with respect to raising our children. But I married a man who admires my PASSION for my faith and trusts (as he should) that I will never undermine his belief system. I married a man who is always trying to understand my ABUNDANT faith in God, and at the very least, always respects it.

Ok. I've only been married for 6 weeks. But as I look to my future, I trust GOD's perfect plan. When I tried to figure it out on my own I ended up with a broken heart and weary spirit. I'm done trying to predict what God has for me, I'm done listening to other people. This conversation about new life belongs in my FATHER's hands and mine and my husband's hearts. And that's enough.

Proverbs 16:9 - The Message
We plan the way we want to live
But only GOD makes us able to live it.

L

Lucky One

I'm getting married.

Those three words amaze me. If it were not for the ring on my finger and the incredible love in my heart it might be impossible for me to believe.

I am someone who has hoped and prayed for the gift of marriage for almost as long as I can remember. I faithfully and carefully guarded my heart believing that love would come on my approximate timetable. I am someone who went to, and watched countless unions and weddings of friends and started to feel left behind. I am someone who had my heart broken. I am someone who lost herself, spiraled out and hit bottom. I am someone who was once so bitter, angry and depressed I thought love would never find me.

And I'm getting married!

In a 10 year period of trying to find myself, and sometimes losing track of my faith I became so beat up I almost stopped trying to seek Him first. And then, after years of trying to write and not having a voice, words quite suddenly came back to me. I started writing a blog. I aired out my secrets and burdens and stopped letting them have so much power. And as I sorted through the experiences, hurts and feelings from my past, I turned to God's word to help me articulate my heart. And when I reached for God's word, He grabbed hold of my heart, and gave me peace. And then I met someone.

In the months, now years that have followed since meeting that someone, MY someone, it has been easy to be distracted. Falling in love does that - it kind of takes over. I fell in love fast and I have found myself in a whole new kind of all-consuming tailspin. No longer depressed, I got caught in a stunning wave of personal happiness. But I admit to getting carried away by Eros, or romantic love and not spending enough time working on my foundational relationship with my heavenly Father. I have work to do there!

He has always remained part of my life. He was there in the early days, after a date, or when I was trying so hard to understand why men are so crazy sometimes. He was there when I fell in love, and when worried that it might be too hard trying to make an inter-faith relationship work. He reminded me of my personal strength, and the strength of some incredible women I have known in the church who have loved the Lord and loved their husbands despite not sharing the same beliefs with them. He assured me over and over that THIS love, THIS man, was the one I would need. He was there when that man, the one I never expected to find, got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. HE was there in the moments that followed when I prayed with my new fiance over our marriage and life together. HE was there. HE is always there.

"His power abounds when a heart seeks His will over it's own."

My plan for the man I would marry was very different than the plan God has been laying out. It is harder. It is less popular with some of my Christian friends. It changes how my future will look. But I believe it is God's will. So, since this path will be different than the one I planned, it's a good thing God has been preparing me for a more challenging course all along.

I have a new love I searched a lifetime for, and an enduring love that has always known me. It's overwhelming and brilliant, more than I ever expected! There is a whole new life that awaits me!

I'm getting married!

Isaiah 30:18 MSG
But God’s not finished. He’s waiting around to be gracious to you.
    He’s gathering strength to show mercy to you.
God takes the time to do everything right—everything.
    Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones.

The Day Before You

L