Sure, it has been awhile, but I have been doing some life-learn'n in my absence from the blogging world, and a plan to return to this space has been expanding more and more over the last few months. So I am back, and I have some explaining to do.
When last we left this blog I was wrapping up some of my story, my explanation for who I am today despite a number of personal trials. I was literally just about to start digging into my greatest and most raw feelings. Feelings about being single at the age of 30 and how I was ridiculously mad at God for that unplanned reality in my life. I was overflowing with anger, frustration, confusion and even desperation about this situation that I cannot really control. I was ready to start unpacking those feelings and willing to let my friends see all those unpleasant details.
And then something unexpected happened.
I met someone. A friend at work had heard me complain about my singleness and offered a possible introduction to some single men she knew. Make no mistake, my frustration with being "left behind" when it came to my deepest desire; to find a companion and partner for life, came out in regular discussion. These feelings were so pervasive, they were practically unavoidable to those around me. Which admittedly probably made me sucktastic company at times. In an effort to help me out, my coworker arranged to have me go to a game night with herself, her partner and his many single friends. My expectations were moderate. While I had been told that there would be several single men at game night, everything about my past experience told me not to get my hopes up. But I brought my "A" game. I worked the outfit, the hair, the makeup, whatever external control I could enact. And then, I prayed. Unfortunately, it may have been more of an afterthought than it should have been. But on the drive, to Northern Virginia, all dressed up, I prayed that God would direct my interactions, give me hope, and guidance.
Years ago, when I was moaning about being single, my mother recommended I make a list of what I want in a man; in a life partner, so that when I am out in the world looking for him I would know what I am looking for and how to recognize it. The highlights of the list included finding a "Mighty Man of God" (more on that in a minute),someone tall, educated, and able to "keep up". I had a series of 3 men I dated who simply could not keep up with the language I use, the way I use language, and my never-ending infantry of sarcasm. These three short but educational relationships taught me that no matter what, I had to find a partner who could give and good as he gets, who knows what "indigenous" means and that the Harbor Tunnel does actually go underwater, not over it. The tall thing is easy to understand because I am 5"11 and a little on the curvy side, so I wanted a man who was "bigger" than me. And the need for a "Mighty Man of God" was conceptualized when I was 16 years old, when I deduced that men who are mighty in the Lord are relationship leaders, prayer warriors, and strength bearers.
Great Expectations.
You know what? Sometimes God does not give you what you want. He gives you what you need. And then, remarkably sometimes those are actually the same thing. The man I met at that game night is not what I was looking for. He is shorter and thinner than me, and, brace yourselves; Jewish. The night I met him I was pretty certain he would not be interested in me anyway. But it turns out, he has been exactly what I needed. I'm not in the mood for predicting the outcome of our relationship, but what I am completely certain of is that this person is absolutely, without question, in my life for a reason. I am happy, hopeful, and feel completely safe.
This does not mean I have not had a chat or two with God about why in the world he has laid this path before me, or what he is going for here, but who am I to let my expectations get in the way?
I met with a patient today, who donated a kidney to a stranger. She had planned to donate to someone she knew, but that person passed away unexpectedly before she could receive the kidney. My patient said once she spoke with God about donating her kidney, she felt a peace about the experience and started to feel that her kidney was not really hers anymore. So when the planned recipient passed away, doctors were worried my patient would decide not to donate anymore. My patient donated anyway. She told me that while she had expected one outcome, she was certain that God's plan for her kidney was sovereign, and she never questioned that God knew what he was doing, and that he would use her kidney for His plan.
I expect great things from God - but I have to be willing to adjust those expectations, because sometimes, His plan is beyond our understanding.
Ephesians 1:11-12
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.
So I put my hope in Christ. I revel in what joy he has brought into my life after many years of sadness and desperation. I look to Him to help me with the details, and I keep my expectations GREAT, because my Father always has a plan.
L
